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Top Two

Hi Everyone ... this blog is for all the people who aren't "followers" (I have 7 who admit to reading when and what I post) yet have asked me (personally, through friends or through Daniel) to update the blog. Who are you anonymous lurkers? I began writing this blog to keep friends updated on the adoption process so I wouldn't have to tell the same story 20 times a day and be stuck on the phone, and now it's turned into some sort of saga that is being tuned in to like a reality show. I live life and am accused of going on some type of hiatus without knowing that there are readers being affected ... you need your "fix" of the chaos, the drama and the "what crazy thing will happen next?" It's odd to me that one life can provide entertainment to so many without a film crew, wardrobe and paid performers. Just me and the keyboard ... it's quite curious. I don't think alot of you know what it's like to go out to dinner, meet someone new and begin to tell a personal story only to have everyone at the table (yes, everyone) say, "oh, this is a good one ... I know this already" and I say, "what do you mean, I haven't said anything yet?" and then they answer, "I already read it in your blog." Talk about a spoiler alert! Seriously, this has happened to me more times than just once at dinner. It's bizarre to say the least. Why don't you leave me a comment and say you stopped by, tell me how ridiculous I sound, or that I made you laugh today? At least let me see some of the faces (avatars, profile pictures) who peer into my world, my afternoons, midnights and my publically posted private thoughts ... It's not what I am blogging about, at 3:51 am (start time) but it is something I just thought I'd throw out there.

I woke up about an hour ago to Sonora yelling "Da Da" but really meaning, "Daddy, will you please come get me since I am too tired to crawl out of bed and come to mommy and beg for milk?" I have been SLOWLY weaning her over the last few months and she is not taking it well. She used to sleep through the night *was in her own crib sleeping through the night at 3 months* and did so for quite some time. I had her to the point of only nursing at night until she got a high fever and I was told by the doctor and nurses to get as much fluid as possible in to her, "nurse whenever she wants for as long as she wants as long as we get it in her." This changed everything. This changed my world. I used to sleep. Now, Sonora looks at me with an "I know darn well the dairy is open all night!" look as she coyly says, "MILK." and taps & points to her breast of choice. It has been about a month that I have been saying, "no milk but mommy still loves you." and then I get the screaming, "MIIIIILLLLLK!" or the worst, "MAAAAAA MAAAAAAA, PLEEEEEEAAAASSSSE!" She throws herself on the bed and cries. Tonight was a record low at about 30 seconds until she settled into my arms and fell asleep. I cuddled her for about a half hour and contemplated life's meaning and then put her back in her bed. I came back to bed, plopped my head on the welcoming pillow and said a silent prayer: "Dear God, please let me fall right back to sleep. (half-second pause) but if you don't, I still love You."

And that started it all ... the whirlwind of thoughts that conspired to keep me awake and ultimately brought me here to the office when I'd rather be dreaming that I was one of the Dancing with the Stars instructors next season!

It began when I said, "... but I still love You."

Next thought, "of course He knows I still love Him.

Does He? Wait a minute, does anybody else know?

Am I living a life that says I love God? Is it obvious anymore?

Since having Sonora, I am not very good at being a best friend, well, available best friend, cooking meals regularly, making it to places on time ... what are my priorities?

What will Sonora think is most important to me in life when I am gone?

What do I think are most important to my parents?

What are their top 2 most important things in life?

Mom - obvious: appearances (physical and outward), admiration. Wow ... those 2 go hand in hand.

Dad ... a little bit harder. Hmmm ... oh, yeah: financial security is definitely up there, possibly #1. no, probably #1. What would be next, what does he invest his time and money in? Staying alive. Yep, that's it. His health. Wow, those go hand in hand also ... because if you live long, you'll need to pay for it ... no wonder ... this is all making sense to me right now ...

Dang, I must be tired. go to sleep. go to sleep.

Should I blog this?

No, I'll remember this tomorrow.

Think Top 2 Top 2 Top ---

4:36AM real-life time out: Sonora's pitter pattering feet brought her to the office and I had to go back to bed with her, yes, I caved in and gave her the coveted milk, which she giddily accepted. I waited to hear the deep breathing and slowly, quietly with the stealthiness of a crouching tiger slid out from her grip and now, at 4:48, I return to finish before I forget, though the milk I originally poured to go with the Chips Ahoy cookies isn't as cold ...

Top 2 ...

What's my top 2? Easy. Loving God, loving others. Wait a minute? That's my church's mantra. Well, it's a good mantra, but I don't want a mantra, I just want a top 2. But that IS my top 2. Why isn't my top 2 God and then Daniel and then Sonora? That would be a top 3. No, God first, other's second. That pretty much covers Daniel, Sonora and the world. Ewwww ... do I put Daniel and Sonora equally with the rest of the world? Well, I do put them aside from time to time to do stuff for others ... do I love the others or am I trying to show God's love for them? Same thing, I guess. So, for me, it really is love God, love others.

Do people see that?

If I were to ask everyone I know to list my priorities what would they say?

What's Daniel's top 2? God, family. Definitely.

Daniel, are you awake?

Mmm.

I can't sleep. What's your top 2 in life?

(no hesitation) God and family.

I KNEW IT! That's what I said!

Mmm.

What do you think Sonora's top 2 are? I say right booby, left booby. You know ... nourishment and comfort. Do you think that's right?

(Yawns) Dora and Boots.

YOU ARE SO FUNNY! I gotta blog this now. I thought I could just go back to sleep ...

You need to sleep.

I gotta get this all out so I can sleep ...

But that's not all of it. I am thinking that in the middle of an earthquake, my top 2 was a clear path to Sonora and shoes on my feet so in case glass shatters, I can get to her and get us out. At 1 pm yesterday, it felt like my top 2 was a meal without effort and a little bit of sleep. There are times when my top 2 seems to consist of the peace that comes with the chores being completed so I can have some fun times. When I was younger, for years my top 2 was finding true love and surviving. Surviving a lot of stuff that few friends *real-life friends* know needed surviving.

Can your top 2 change? I mean your real top 2. Can it stay the same over a lifetime? If you actually get it right ... I am not saying Loving God and loving others is the only top 2, but I just realized it is actually God's top 2 ... His actual top 2 for eternity. Wow. So if I can keep my top 2 the same as His, then it really is right and it should be kept for a lifetime. Just think, if you can get your top 2 to line up with God's perfect plan for you life, then the rest of your life can make sense!

Does my life make sense?

Maybe not to some, maybe not to a lot of people, but to me it does. I am actually content. I don't have all that I want. I am not a size 7 anymore, my joints hurt me every day. I don't have the energy I think I need to keep up with Sonora and to divide with the new baby that will hopefully enter our lives before this Christmas, and the living room isn't always in order, but for the most part, my life does make sense. I don't look around and say, "why me?" anymore when crazy stuff happens. I don't question God, I simply trust Him at every turn. I don't want to tempt "fate" as people say, but I really do trust Him and all He has in store for me ... and as most of you, dear readers know, He has A LOT in store for me ... and for you. You may or may not blog yourselves, but you do have a blog-worthy story to tell. Can you narrow it down to a top 2? I don't know. Why don't you ask yourself what it has been at times, what it is now and what it might later become.

I'm eating the last cookie and finishing the not-so-ice-cold milk at 5:32 AM. Then I will try and scoot Sonora's limp body over so I can squeeze into what used to be MY side of the bed and hopefully catch a few Zs while the rest of you awaken to begin your daily routines. Hopefully I was able to provide what you were looking for when you came to visit today.

I feel like Miss Mary Ann on Romper Room ... "I see Eve, and Gladys, and Heather, and Jewelly and Chelle's grandma and Becky ..."

Many blessings to you ... yawn ... oh my gosh, the sun is almost up ... many many blessings to YOU!