SHE IS OURS!

Today, November 30, 2011, at the Lamoreaux Courthouse in Orange, CA, Sabine Cosette "officially" became a Saunders. Sabine's adoption is FINAL! We three Saunders ladies all wore black with white polka dots, we chatted up the judge, we were the first family in, and when we came out, the rest of the crowd *all waiting their turn* cheered. It was the most amazing moment, realizing we all had a journey, we all had a story of what brought us through the process. We began the first step on October 26, 2005, so it's been a little over 6 years to complete the process. People say good things come to those who wait. I say, great things come to those who persevere. Miracles happen to those who seek God. I am so thankful for every leg of our adoption journey. I had to stop by here tonight before the clock struck 12. I know by the time I post, it will be a couple minutes past. I won't have pictures to add to this post until later, but I needed closure on the longest ordeal of my life (so far) and I wouldn't change a thing. God, THANK YOU for our daughters Sonora and Sabine. Thank You that I gave birth to one and adopted the other. Thank You for everything that happened in YOUR perfect timing, which I will never understand, but will always trust. I can't believe it's finally over ... we are no longer "that couple who is adopting a baby." We're just Sonora and Sabine's parents, aka Daniel and Antoniette.

Happy Birthday, Baby of Mine ... Sonora, I love you!

There are some things in life you never forget. I remember the night before Sonora was born vividly, because I knew she was coming the next day. I knew to say goodbye one last time to her, I knew it would be my last night of feeling her kick. I remember the excitement of knowing I could finally hold her. Here it is, exactly 4 years later. Tomorrow, Sonora will be 4 years old. I still feel excited when I hold her. I still love to smell her hair, just like when she was a newborn. I still kiss all her boo boos. I still gasp if she trips or falls. I still sing baby mine to her at least once a day. I never get tired of doing her hair. I sometimes wish she would take the volume down a notch ... okay, more than sometimes, but I am so thankful for her confidence. Sonora is a big sister now. She is the BEST big sister in the world, in my opinion. I think for only having 3 hours notice, she has adapted beautifully. I see so many potentials for Sonora. I watch her interact with people, I watch her logical mind, I hear her sing and see her dance and I love her imagination that runs incredibly wild a few times each day. My beautiful Sonora. I can't even say enough wonderful things about you. Happy Birthday, my precious, amazing daughter. I love you forever and ever past the moon. *she would add here, "mama, I love you past God." Bless you tomorrow, and every day!

XOXO Mommy <3

Happy Birthday, Beautiful Sabine!

One year ago tonight, this was the scene. Daniel asleep, Sonora asleep. There was the guy riding the machine that polishes the floor and the lights were out in the lobby of the hospital.

I had just dropped off baby things at my sister-in-law's house for a garage sale. I didn't believe our attempt at adoption would come to fruition.

A couple minutes after 8pm, I got a phone call from Daniel saying we needed to get right to the hospital, a birth mother was in labor and we needed to be there, she wanted us to bond with the baby immediately.

We scrambled to get the carseat out of the back of the garage, under the stairs. I said, "get the bassinet ready, just in case."  I remember telling Daniel, "I can totally picture God using us to spare another family from the heartache of when they decide to keep the baby. I am okay with that, but did it have to be so late at night?" I honestly couldn't imagine that this would be "it" and we would finally get the baby we had been waiting for, praying for over the last 5 years.

My friend Ashley and I googled names on the internet. We already used our number one name choice on Sonora. We already decided if it was a boy, his name would be Everett Landon. If it was a girl, I always loved the name Sabine, but had no middle name. What about Jean val Jean's daughter in Les Mis? Cosette? I loved that name, and I love that she was his beloved adopted daughter, and it ended in "ette" like my name. Sonora's middle name, Adeline, is the letters of Daniel's name rearranged, so Cosette seemed perfect.

At 4:05, she was born. The director of the adoption agency was in the room during the birth. She said it was the first time that was ever asked of her. She came to the Lobby immediately and said, "would you like to meet your daughter?" At 4:25, we were already up in NICU.

She was only 20 minutes old when we first laid eyes on her. She was quiet, soft, gentle, tiny, petite. Only 6 pounds 14 oz, but she packed a wallop in the love department. I was stunned. She was stunning. I couldn't believe she was mine. Immediately upon first glance through the mini blinds before we even got to walk in the room, I felt the warmth in my heart and the confirmation that she was indeed, my baby girl. I knew she was coming home with us. I knew she was ours.

Sonora was enamoured with her, she still is. Our lives are changed forever. I am still in a bit of shock. Now, shock that this first year has flown by so fast. We only had 3 hours notice before we got to the hospital, and then only about 4 hours after that. This surprise, this amazing gift from God will be one year old in less than 12 hours. Right now, a year ago, I had no idea. Now, a year later, I still am amazed at all God has brought us through. Ashley happened to call me tonight and she will be here in a little bit. I am so happy to be able to reminisce with her about our adventure, the adventure of a lifetime. One minute, we were standing in Tommy's parking lot deciding what to eat, the next moment, we were rushing to the hospital to meet Sabine for the first time. Sabine has enchanted me with her amazing hugs, smiles and cheerful disposition. She adores her daddy and can't get enough of her big sister. She has beautifully blended with our family and is the icing on the cake as far as being a parent. I am so blessed by her.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful Sabine ... I love you forever!

XXXOOO,

Mommy

1 more month.

One more month and Sabine's adoption should be final.

One more month and Sabine will be 1 year old so that means a PARTY!

One more month and I will have a letter completed to Sabine's birth parents letting them know how much we love her and how I think of them every day.

One more month and the International Food Festival I have been working so hard to make a success will be over.

One more month and I will be planning Sonora's fourth birthday party.

One more month and I will be wondering what to do for Daniel's 40th birthday!

I barely feel I can make it through the week, much less one more month.

I look at everyone with grown kids and think, "how did they manage?" I don't just want to manage, I want to be a raging success. I want my girls to know joy, and love and peace and hope. I want to equip them to face all that the world will throw at them, and I want them to throw a little back! I want them to both be independant and secure. I want them to learn the value of volunteering and giving to those in need. I want them to always show grace to others. I want so much for them, both. But for right now, I am going to get through this one month.

Summer

She sees everything ...

Today was a rough day for us. 3 of us sick. Everyone tired. Daniel and I finally talking about some things we needed to talk about but haven't had the time to. Sonora just sat at the kitchen table coloring and Sabine was constantly fussing as we tried to get through a normal conversation, but couldn't even finish a sentence. It was so frustrating. I am purely exhausted. Still, it's late and I wanted to look back at when we got Sabine and see how much she's changed over the last 7 months. I came across these photos that I never noticed before. There were a bunch of photos that Sonora took. It was just us in the room for 3 days. These 2 pictures say a lot. They were taken at 9:08 AM and Sabine was exactly 5 hours old. We had been up since early the day before and were about to start the waiting vigil to see if her birthparents would sign the relinquishment papers. I look at this photo and I remember feeling uneasy when Sonora asked when we could take the baby home. We called her Sabine right from the start, but it was so unfamiliar to us. With Sonora, we had at least 5 months practice after we found out she was a girl. We said goodnight Sonora every night and prayed with her before she ever came out. With Sabine, we prayed for her for years, not knowing she would be a girl or what her name would be. I remember being surprised that they would not give us any snacks in that room because the room was technically for the baby. Here I had a 3 year old and we were occupying the room, but they told us they were not allowed to offer us drinks or food since the baby didn't belong to us yet. I was thinking about how were we going to get diapers and formula. Daniel was set to start a new job on Monday and these photos were taken Thursday morning. So much was going through my head. I would have never imagined the lengths my friends would go to just to help us provide for this little one who came with such short notice. I am humbled when I look at these photos and think about how God would give this almost 50 year old woman with tired eyes 2 little baby girls to raise. How? I still wonder, but I trust Him. Sabine was so new, and so foreign to me. Now she is so familiar and such a part of my existence. I still am in awe of how she came into our lives and how much I can love her, even though I didn't give birth to her. I have to say though, I almost feel that I dreamt her into existence. That's how much she belongs with me. And Sonora, well, she sees everything. She sees so much that she doesn't talk about. These pictures are proof. She captured the moment ... exhausted Daniel sleeping, me wondering, and Sabine trusting us to be her new family.

Sometimes ...

Sometimes, I like to cuddle them until they fall asleep and stroke their foreheads while I hold them tight. Sometimes, I am so thankful when they both fall asleep in the car on the way home so I can carry them up, one at a time, and lay them in their bed and crib. I love not having to tell Sonora, "shhhhh, sissy's sleeping." Sometimes, I love watching them play with each other. I love seeing Sabine light up when Sonora comes at her. I love listening to the songs Sonora makes up for her. I run for my camera and barely make it in time to chronicle the beauty of their new, budding relationship as sisters.

Sometimes, I can't wait to be with either of them alone, so I can focus on them, one at a time. I love to teach them at their own level. I love pushing Sonora to new levels and watching her stretch herself. I love remembering Sonora when she was Sabine's age. I love learning how different Sabine is than Sonora and I love falling in love with her anew. Sometimes, I can't wait to do things as a family, like drive to church together, go to the park together, go to Disneyland. I really enjoy having Daniel with me so we can laugh together at them, so we can be full of pride when people come up to us (and they always do) and tell us what beautiful girls we have. I love that he can help me with one so I can include the other and vice verse. I love being able to care for the one that is crying or hurt knowing he is there and has my back. Sometimes, I miss being alone with Daniel so much that it makes me cry when I am in the shower so the girls can't hear me. I miss just hugging him, or being held and feeling protected, instead of always being the protector of the little ones while he is gone working 2 jobs. I can't remember the last time I laid on the couch with my feet in his lap while we watched something on TV.Sonora thinks her permanent position in life is between us and Sabine hasn't left our side for 6 months. Daniel is only home on Sundays. I love my girls, but sometimes, I just plain miss my husband. Sometimes, I feel like I can conquer the world with all the love I have and all the energy I feel. I have so much hope and peace and joy. Sometimes, I feel like I wish God would just come and take us all home, because I have so much pain, and get so discouraged and exhausted. Sometimes, I think I am the most blessed person in the world.
Sometimes, I think I could use a little more blessings. All the time, no matter what, I am thankful to God for all He has done in my life and all He has brought me through, in the past, now and what's to come. I can't believe, sometimes, how my life is and I wonder where it's headed.