Do not pass go, do not collect $200

yeah, so ... I got back from my appointment with the surgeon to get my biopsy results, and he said, even though the biopsy came back benign on the tumor, he still doesn't like the way the rest of it looks, so he scheduled me for another (bigger, more invasive) surgery. I am supposed to be put completely under for this one, but because of the baby, just a local, and no sedation. They will be removing part of my nipple and the underlying tissue. I was thinking I'll be needing those parts in a few months for feeding Sonora, but apparently, he thinks it needs to be cut off (as I get to watch ...)

I am pretty much in shock.

I asked if I could push it back till after she is born, and he said we only have a small window in case it is something worse and we need to do surgery right away. I guess the 2nd trimester is the only time you can do these surgeries ... safer than the first or 3rd. He said if I go back in 3 weeks and all signs of infection are gone and everything is back to normal, then we can always cancel. Then, nurse Vicky handed me the pre-surgery kit with all the instructions.

So, don't put those knee pads away yet. I have 3 weeks more before we know anything concrete ... God help me get through it.

The infectious disease specialist ...

Well, I went in at 3pm. Daniel went with me. I was crying on the way over there telling Daniel I felt like this guy was my last hope ... like if he couldn't figure it out, we might as well brace ourselves for Wednesday's bad news.

He asked me a million questions, after I filled out a form with a million questions. He went step by step with each doctor visit and I brought him up to date and he said, "wait, so you had a biopsy on Thursday?" I said, "yes." He said, "this last Thursday?" I said, "yes." He said, "and what did the results say?" And I said, "I don't get to find out until Wednesday." He said, "that is just wrong. That's not necessary." And he told the nurse to call pathology right away and she said she would in a minute and he said, "it's almost 5 o'clock, call them right now before they leave" and he had the biopsy results faxed to him.

It's not cancer.

Oh my God, I just began bawling my eyes out right there and started thanking him over and over. I was sooooo relieved. Then came the million dollar question: "if it's not cancer, then what on earth is it?"

Well, he said what they did a biopsy on was fibroadenoma ... basically scar tissue. What was causing the burning rash??? Ready for this? It was strep. The same kind you get in your throat. They kept treating it like a bacteria infection, but it was a virus. If they had given me Augmentin right at the beginning, it would have been gone in 3-4 days. Unbelievable. Instead, everything they tried did absolutely no good. I asked if what I had could have harmed the baby. He said, " if any of that would have got to her, she'd be dead."

I almost passed out.

It was the grace of God that had His hand on our baby Sonora and was protecting her from all hell breaking loose in my body. I am SOOOOOO thankful to God, and to all of you who have been praying for His divine protection on her life. It is truly a miracle that my body fought this off on it's own, in the middle of bad bronchitis and a weakened immune system. The doctor said that he isn't going to prescribe any medication because I am at the tail end of it and it is finally leaving my body. We figured the way I caught it was trying on bras after I first got pregnant. Seriously unbelievable.

I am so relieved, so blessed, so happy! And the great thing is that Daniel has a little more freedom as far as if they don't hire him back at the Mission, it won't be a disaster, because I won't have a pre-existing problem and should be able to get any insurance with whoever the new insurance company will be. I am so glad that we have this little bit of relief in the middle of this crazy storm!

Thank you friends, thank you Jesus, thank you so much! My baby is safe!!!

Monday Blues

Well, after a night of no sleep, all I needed was for Daniel to be in a snappy mood. I am sure that NONE of you can even picture him in a snappy mood, but believe me, he is more than entitled ... well, except for in this house.

I have worked so hard to make our home a safe place for us, even in the midst of all these trials. I have made sure we avoid chaos, stay out of people's business that could make us feel overwhelmed, I have tried to be exceptionally kind and supportive during this drama week. Well this morning, Daniel didn't know if he was going to have an interview or not with the Mission. I asked him to wear a shirt and tie, just in case. He is in no way in the mood to show them any respect right now, he feels totally disrespected and angry and most of all hurt. I said, "well, if you don't know if today is the day they call you in, then at least have a shirt and tie in the car so you will be prepared." He would have worn a tie to any other interview, I am not asking him to do something out of the ordinary.

Well, something snapped in him and it wasn't pretty. I sat there with my tongue bitten and my heart racing and all I wanted to do was scream, instead, I said, "You will act with integrity regardless of how they treated you. The shirt and tie isn't for them, it's for you. You are my husband, and my husband is the kind of man who carries himself properly, regardless of what the world around him is doing. And also, my husband ALWAYS talks to me in a nice tone, because I certainly have earned it." I was so hurt. It is the first time in all this mess that there was anything aimed at each other besides total safety and support. I hated that feeling. I wasn't fighting for the shirt and tie, I was fighting for us, and for Daniel to keep his integrity and to not waiver, even in the smallest things, just because other people have. I said, things are not half as bad as they could be. He said, "oh yeah, well what if I don't get hired back on at the Mission?" I said, "that will be NOTHING compared to if you don't get hired back on AND I end up having breast cancer. And, even if I get cancer, it can be worse, we could lose the baby. Believe me, it could get a million times worse! So regardless of how worse it gets, we have to make it not an option to turn on each other, and if we do, we need to immediately acknowledge it and apologize and make it right. We need to be strong for each other because it could get so worse ... we have no idea how bad it could get."

It took a long time, too long in my opinion, but he finally calmed down and we got over it. He just left for work. He found out his 2 best friends there called in sick today. That is exactly what I am talking about. I said that I am proud of him for not calling in sick ... no matter how sick he feels about all of this. He is still employed there, even if only for a week, and if he goes out, I want him to go out with his character in tact. I reminded him that if he leaves, he still needs a good reference for whatever future position he may apply for.

It was just a lot of work this morning ... just getting through the morning. It isn't over for either of us. I am sure he is driving to work right now regretting snapping at me, his biggest fan, and I am here still wound up ... heart still racing and still feeling a little wounded.

I don't know where to place the tears. On the table where Daniel doesn't have job security? On the table where I see the infectious disease specialist today? On the table where I am afraid of the results they will give me Wednesday concerning the biopsy? On the table where Sonora's well being is probably being compromised by all my stress? Honestly, there are enough tears to go around. I also have close friends and family who are going through major trials. Marriage problems, problems with their kids, health problems ... all kinds of horrible things. I usually am a support to others during difficulties, but right now, I am barely hanging on. I have decided to not cry, to not let anything out, because I am afraid once I start, I may not stop until Christmas!

Yes, we are in a crisis mode. Yes, we trust the Lord to get us out. No, we have no idea the direction He is taking us. Yes, we will follow Him no matter what. Yes, we are just like you ... sitting there wondering how in the world is all this happening to just one couple. No, we don't think it's "fair" but we realize that life isn't about being fair. Sept. 11 wasn't fair. The tsunami wasn't fair. Hurricane Katrina wasn't fair. We still think we have it made.

Today started out bad ... ugly in my opinion, but it could get worse. Also, believe it or not, it could get better. I could go to the infectious disease specialist and they could tell me exactly what is wrong with my breasts and maybe even be able to cure it without harming my baby. I could find the answer today before I even get the biopsy results back! Daniel could go in and one of the 5 jobs he applied for could pay more than his current position ... don't laugh ... it could happen!

Anything is possible. So, I will stop being a worry wart, and start having some hope. It's been awhile since I have felt it. I have claimed it, but I haven't actually felt it.

Please, keep us in your prayers, especially Daniel today. In fact, skip me altogether and double up on him!

BBQ Baked Beans

Seriously, sometimes you just need to indulge ...

We had a couple cans of the Bush's baked beans (I think it was Bush's) and they were just sitting there in my pantry feeling all neglected. YES! I said the beans have feelings ...

I thought, we need to cook those poor, forgotten beans. But of course, you can't have beans without a hot dog and BBQ chips ... We have hot dogs. but no buns (except the one in the oven ... ha ha ha) so Daniel is at Vons getting buns and the chips and I am in charge of stirring the beans which have been doctored up with ketchup and brown sugar. It's what - like 9:30 at night now? Don't really feel like going outside and BBQing corn on the cob, though it sounds delish!

Well, I am doing okay today ... a few stabbing pains that took my breath away, like a reverse target going outward from my body. Maybe it was all the faithful prayers and whatever it was decided to leave ... I think I like that picture ...

Sonora is having a good day. I was singing How Great is Our God and thinking how cool it is that she can hear me and every word. She may not understand it yet, but I know her little spirit is already formed and I am so excited to share fellowship with her someday.

We went through a bunch of paperwork that was sitting on our counter and found a box of Anne Geddes birth announcements. We got them at the Baby Celebration in a packet that was advertising cord blood banking. It was cool ... I am not the biggest Anne Geddes fan, but these were cute and I will definitely use them. I opened them up and saw the place where you put the weight and length and name of the baby, and I began crying, thinking about filling it out and wondering when that will be and if she will come out alright and just anticipating the joy and trying to push out the fearful thoughts that haunt me these last few days.

My friend from church, Marisa, invited me to go have dinner and then go to Color Me Mine on Tuesday night. That was so thoughtful ... a welcome distraction the night before the results and something to look forward to. I swear, the love and the support is overwhelming, and it is mocking Satan's attempts to bring us down. I can't believe that I never once questioned God in this. I am not being boastful, I am honestly amazed that we trust Him so much and that we are not letting go of the truths He has so clearly shown us about who He is. I am blown away by my own steadfast gaze towards His will and how I am coming to a place of acceptance of whatever He will pass on to me. I am not quite totally there yet, but I am getting closer to the point of saying, "bring it on, Lord, whatever you want ... here I am, send me!" I am still a little bit caught up in the "if it's possible to remove this cup from me" phase!

Anyway, I wanted to also thank my sister, who has been unfailing at showing up whenever there is a scary moment ... that didn't sound right ... ha ha ... what I mean is, she is always there for me, even with 2 kids of her own and many miles and hours of traffic between us. She was at the doctors waiting for me and offering to go in with me during the drama. We don't get to see each other that often, but it's nice to know when it counts, she is there.

Well, the man of my BBQ dreams just showed up, so I am outta here!

Thanks, again, for all your prayers. I know I am being covered because I can actually sleep a little, and no panic attacks, and a sense of peace and hope is with me. Really, THANK YOU! I can't say how much I needed this relief.

I feel brave today! Rawrrrrrr!

Laugh all you want ... I feel like I could take on the world! And, that isn't even the pain killers talking because I have taken no pain killers!

One reason is that I slept. It is amazing how clear your head is when you sleep!

Another reason is my best friend, Amy, sent me an e-mail and she said, "You were sooooo brave today. I was so proud of you. You literally laugh in the face of danger! mwuahaha!"

THAT is the Antoniette I have been searching for! THAT is the girl I once knew.

Well, I can laugh all week, but come Tuesday night, I think I will probably disappoint those of you who think I am a strong tower. I have 5 more days of waiting for the results, and knowing the faithless ninny I have been acting like lately, I will probably let those pesky emotions get the best of me the night before the results. I'd like to blame it all on hormones, but I think that is a cop out. I know that has to have something to do with it ... the fact that I am pregnant, but still, why can't I be stronger?!

I have to say, we have been truly amazed at all the Lord is doing to show us His faithfulness, and the hearts of HIS people. Night before last, a new friend showed up at our door. She has never been here before, we barely know each other, except through mutual friends and family. Somehow, we made a connection recently, but have never got together. Well, she and her husband heard of our situation and she just got in her car and showed up. I have been lonely, scared, angry, confused and all kinds of things since Monday, but after she showed up, I added to my list of emotions: awestruck, blessed, thankful and humbled. She didn't know what to say, she didn't even intend to come in. She just wanted to drop off a couple cards for us. I asked her in and we talked and had fellowship, we laughed about a few things and I got to show her Sonora's room. She kept me company till Daniel came home. Then after she left, we opened our cards. They brought us to tears. One was a congratulations card on becoming parents. The second was an inspirational card with encouraging bible verses in it. As if that wasn't enough, there was a check (a sizable check) that was enough to cover the last 2 ER visits, or our new set of tires. They had no idea what our recent expenses were, all they knew is that Daniel was out of a job. They just read a prayer request sent by e-mail to some people. We have never had them over for dinner, bought them an elaborate wedding gift, done them any favors ... they owe us nothing, and yet, the Lord put it on their hearts to minister to us in such a practical manner. We were, to put it quite simply, blown away. We both had tears in our eyes, and were in humble adoration of our God who could touch people, mere acquaintances, on our behalf and move them to meet our needs in His name.

The miracles don't stop there. Last night, when we were at Claim Jumper (and I was taking advantage of the local anesthetic they gave me) Daniel got a phone call from one of his oldest and dearest friends. These two rarely see each other, but what I have noticed over the years is that whenever there is a need, these 2 manage to get in touch with each other and pray, or talk things out, or just be there for each other and minister to each other over lunch or just a phone call. Well, last night was one of those phone calls. His friend's wife has been reading our blog. She told him about what was going on and how Daniel lost his job. As I was taking a bite of carrot cake, I noticed Daniel had tears in his eyes while he was talking. When he hung up, he told me and Amy that this friend and his wife prayed about it and decided to give us a certain percentage of their income over the next couple months! MY GOD! The generosity of God's people still astounds me! Daniel refused and said that we are not at that point yet. We have 3 more weeks for him to find a job. 2 weeks paid vacation, and 1 last week of the 2 weeks notice they gave him. Still, to know that God has our back through faithful friends. To be given the breath of relief, the ability to rest for a minute and know if worse comes to worse,we have an option and it will buy us a minute to breath and help us to keep going ... To be able to know that people look at us and realize it was nothing we did, no act of disobedience, no drug or alcohol use, no disrespect of a boss ... nothing at all that we did to bring on this horrible time and then reach out and help us and say, "Here ... I have some extra I can share with you," or even say, "here, it's not extra, but I am willing to sacrifice so you don't go under." What an amazing gift!

Honestly, it's right out of a Little House on the Prairie episode! No ... better, last night we were saying it felt like a George Bailey moment in It's a Wonderful Life when Martini comes and dumps all the change on the table and says, "A-George-Ah, I hear you were in a-trouble and I-ah break-ah open da jukebox for you!" And everyone is laughing, but in the middle of it all, George is so humbled and he looks at Mary with those (now) familiar tears in his eyes like he just can't believe that moments ago he was in such despair. And the bell rings, and Clarence gets his wings ...

It IS a Wonderful Life, indeed.

I did it

I went in ... it was fast ... it hurt while they were pushing on me, but not the core biopsy part ... the pushing down to keep it from bleeding. They went in 3 different times at 3 different angles.
Afterwards, we went to Claim Jumper and got a salad and dessert. It feels like it's on fire. The lidocaine wore off and boy, does it sting ...
I get the results on Wednesday at 10:30
(insert Jeopardy music here)
Thanks for the prayers, phone calls, support, text messages and e-mails ... it got me through.
That, and Sonora kicking the crud outta me during the whole procedure ... she really helped to distract me! That's my little girl!
I love you all and appreciate you so much ... I would call you back personally, but I am beat and I need to lay down ...
Again, thanks for everything!!!

AAAaaaHHHaaahhh!!!!!!

Yesterday, I went to 2 appointments. One was an ultrasound to see Sonora, the second was the OB appointment, where we got to hear her heartbeat. My pulse, however was 112. Should be like 60-80. Now, on top of everything else, they are testing me for anemia. We also were told that "chemotherapy is safe for the baby" ... not something one usually expects to hear during a routine pregnancy exam.

Last night I began having anxiety attacks again. I thought I was done with them. I was awake all night. This morning I finally just broke down and threw a crying tantrum. I thought it would feel good, until I began vomiting! I can't even pitch a fit properly!!!

I came to the conclusion that I am a sinking Peter. I have enough faith to walk on water towards Jesus, but then I look away and freak out and begin to sink. Oh me, of little faith!

Where is the tower of strength that so many of you know me to be? Where is the girl with all the biblical references and encouragement? Where is the one whose armor is dented and dinged from so many battles fought and conquered? That can't be her ... cowering in a corner with her head in her hands, her shield cracked in half. I want the warrior back. I want ME back. I want to stand, not lay in a fetal position waiting to be rescued. I want to feel powerful again.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired!

I want to come along side my husband and be a help to him, not a hindrance, a dead weight he has to drag along the journey. I want to be there to help him through HIS trial. I want to make his troubles and worries go away, not add to them. I want to be a blessing, not a burden!!! He swears I am not, but how can that be? How can a sick, pregnant, rashy, irrationally thinking, disease covered, frightened girl not be a burden??? Where is Antoniette ... the one who helps others, who has the energy of twenty-20 year olds? Where in the flippity flop is she??? I keep seeing glimpses of her here and there, but she keeps eluding me ... she keeps escaping my grip. Just when I think I have found her, I take a second glance and it is just a mirage of the past.

I know this will pass. I know this will go away, and something better or worse will follow. It is life. It is inevitable.

I wrote this to my friend, who is also a pastor I respect greatly:

"God knows we will tell people, humble ourselves and share the bad stuff, try and witness through it, and then always point people to Him when it's glory-giving time. I know it's an honor to be used by God, it's an honor to be a willing vessel He reaches for so often. I am not discouraged in that sense. I am totally thrilled to be a part of the plan He has to get people's attention. I totally understand and believe Romans 8:28 ... I know all things are NOT necessarily good, but in the end, they work together for good, so I am down with that. I don't see any contradictions in God's word about anything. I do not have an unrealistic sense of entitlement. I know the Lord is faithful, I know I deserve justice, which would put me in hell, but instead He has shown me grace, which puts me in heaven for eternity, so I don't think in any way I am being ripped off of anything, quite the contrary, I am thankful for be ripped off of eternal damnation.

I am, however, a bit exhausted. I don't know how to find that rest and peace. I mean, I do have that peace that passes understanding, but I think what I am trying to say is that I don't know how to have a peaceful rest. I want to just let everything go when I drop it at the cross. I want to let it go when I lay my head on the pillow at night. I want to let it all go and have the saving faith that walks on the water and doesn't sink, the kind that doesn't need to put my finger in the wound. I want to just be and not feel. I want to just walk around and be a perfect witness, and be the best encouragement and run the race, not hobble to the finish line on crutches.

...

I get to have an ultrasound today...

... I get to see our little one kick around, and not be worried about what they will find, not be worried about if there is a tumor or anything. Even as I type that I secretly think, "oh God ... how dare I assume that when we peek in on Sonora's goings on in my belly, that everything will be fine ..." I HATE the fearful thoughts and I HATE having to rebuke myself and remind myself constantly to meditate on whatever is pure, lovely, etc .... I want to just do it FIRST nature, not second nature.

I want Daniel to look at me and totally know that in no way am I scared, because I fully and completely trust God. I want to relieve Daniel of any burden that he feels right now. I get mad at myself if he looks at me and catches even a glimpse of fright, or worry or disappointment. I know we were created with emotions. I am not a big fan of those right now. They do not sustain me. I want to be the amazing help mate that the Lord created me to be, not another source of worry for Daniel. I am furious that my body has betrayed me, that I am unable to work full time. That I can't even get through a "normal" pregnancy. I can't even curl up in a ball and cry for a minute ... I curl up into a very obtuse C-shape and even then am afraid I am crunching Sonora!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

That's pretty much it ... my heart on paper - or in cyberspace. That is me, now. Full force, but running out of steam. I had a young friend write to me the other day. He is going through a very rough trial, himself. His girlfriend gave birth to their son at 23 weeks. Along with all the inevitable shame that undoubtedly comes of becoming an unwed parent when you are a Christian, this friend of mine has been watching his baby boy hang on for dear life these last 6 weeks. He wrote to me and encouraged me, You want to know how? He wrote about God's goodness. He wrote bible verse after appropriate bible verse in a Myspace message. THAT is what sustained me through the day yesterday. Hearing of God's goodness and being reminded of His awesomeness. This "kid" did not have soothing words of wisdom or encouragement that came from experience, although I am sure his dependence on God is now more experiential than it ever has been ... All he had to offer was the truth of who he knew God was. For all I know, he was ministering to himself as well. But you know what? It worked on me. It was exactly what I needed. I am not knocking those of you who have offered to and have taken me to breakfast/lunch/dinner/dessert ... God knows me and Sonora TOTALLY appreciate that! I am just saying, it's amazing, the healing power of the Word of God. It really is life to these decaying bones.

Oh my God ...

Satan: Hmmmm ... who can I mess with today? Who's day can I totally screw up and make them fall to their knees?

God: Have you considered my servant Antoniette? She will fall to her knees alright ... but she will take as many people down with her as she can and they will all pray to and worship ME!

Buckle your seatbelts ... this one's a doosy.

I went to my appointment with the surgeon today. He looked at me and asked when this all started. I said I first reported it on April 17th and have been to see 5 doctors about it since. He just kept shaking his head as he asked me question after question about my symptoms and was pushing, squeezing and maneuvering my body around. He even pushed on my pelvis and I almost socked him and screamed, "Hey ... there's a little girl in there ... leave her alone!" As I described symptom after symptom, he would look at the nurse and shake his head. Someone should tell him it's kind of obvious and it makes us patients nervous. I don't mind doing it, but it will have to wait until after the surgery.

So, yes, I said surgery. I am going in this Thursday for an ultrasound guided biopsy, and possible removal of the cyst/abcsess. He will also biopsy the mass while in there. He wanted to do an MRI and also a mammogram, but because of the baby, it's impossible. I have had this kind of surgery before and it's not too scary. Not fun, but at least I know what to expect. The waiting for the biopsy results after that will be the kicker.

Now, for the BAD news ... yes, there is more, I can barely type through my tears right now.

When I called Daniel at work to let him know what's going on, I asked him how his meeting at work went. Well, (sit down for this ...) they fired everyone from his department. Yes, you read it correctly. They said they "dissolved" the department. 15 guys are now without a job.

Deep breath ...

Okay, so Daniel said there are 7 or 8 positions left in the Rescue Mission and 15 guys. Do the math. About half the people will not make it ... and that is assuming they will hire first from within, and that the positions are something that these men are qualified for. Daniel has some senority, but not much. I know of at least 6 other people there who have worked more years than Daniel.

My heart is breaking for every family affected, but honestly, mostly MY family! I am sad because all these men love God and have been true fellowship to Daniel his entire career, and now I am hopoing it doesn't turn into a cut-throat environment and that they do not backstab each other to get the last few jobs left.

What will this mean as far as our insurance goes?

I have like 8 million more questions, and I am sure you can come up with some good ones yourselves.

So, surgery for me, and no job for Daniel.

Knee pads anyone???

okay ... deep breath ...

I called Dr Petrie at 8 am and they said, "why do you need an appointment with Dr Petrie?" and I was tongue tied. I just said, "well, my OB and regular physician both saw something on my breast ultrasound that they wanted checked out." And she said, "well, you know we won't touch you while you are pregnant, right?"

What?

So you're just going to let me sit here in the land of ignorant limbo for the next 5 months?

Okay - sounds good to me ... if you're not going to touch me, that's the answer I was actually hoping for anyway! Great ... have a nice summer ... see you in the fall!

And then rational Antoniette returns ...

"Well, I don't know what the protocol for pregnant women is, I just know 2 doctors told me to see a surgeon right away, so could you please let Dr Petrie know I am a repeat customer and would appreciate a consult with him?"

She looks into my file ... she says, "oh ... can you be here at 10:30 today?"

Wow ... that was fast. A whole different song than the last tune ...

So, I am getting ready to leave now. I also have an appointment at 11:10 with the OB.

Prayers once more appreciated ... I will be alone, Daniel has a meeting at work he can't miss.

Sleeping Around ...

Well, the last you all checked in on me, you read that I spent the night in the Chick-Fil-A parking lot after a wonderful night at the Blue Lantern Bed and Breakfast. I can't sleep well at home, but seem to be able to sleep in unusual places. I would have to say today was the most unusual!

After going to church, and then having lunch with my parents for Father's Day, Daniel and I decided to go to Costco and buy some tires. The guy said it would be about 45 minutes till my car was ready, so we walked around and looked at the various things in the store. We happened upon a really nice patio set. It's called the tete a tete ... it is a loveseat with a huge ottoman, an umbrella and a small table attached in between the 2 seats.

So I said, that looks comfy, let's sit here and wait for our tires. We held hands sitting on the comfy loveseat and had our feet up and ...

... a half hour later ... ZZZzzzz ZZZzzzz ZZZzzzz ...

... Daniel said, "wow babe, you took a really good nap! You were snoring!"

I was mortified!

"What?! You let me snore in public? Here? While all the Costco shoppers were walking by comparing patio furniture prices?"

He said, "yep."

I couldn't believe it. Me and my big belly were there, in the middle of a warehouse store ... just snoozin' away.

We got up, went and got a couple snacks from the free sample aisle and then picked up the car and came home.

I wonder where I'll be sleeping next ...

Got the call

Well, actually got 2 calls. One from the OB who said, " get in to see the general surgeon right away."
I was like ... what? Surgeon? Shouldn't I have a SPECIAL surgeon, not a general one?


The next call was about 10 minutes later. My regular doctor called and said, "how are you doing?" I said, "you tell me ..." and he said, "we found something ... it's at 2 o'clock right breast. I want you to see the surgeon, make the appointment on Monday when they open." I asked which surgeon, he said Dr Petrie ... the one who was kind enough to remove the last tumor and leave the rest of my breast attached. I like him. My scar barely shows.


I mentioned to my doctor about the OB's suggestion to see the general surgeon and he said the choice was mine, and I choose Petrie. He's already been digging around in there and will recognize any old scar tissue he left behind and distinguish it from a tumor without chopping me all to heck. He does a decent biopsy as well. He let me stay awake during the last surgery, even though he suggested I go completely under, and I really appreciated that. He said he was surprised I did such a good job ... even hearing all what was going on and feeling the tugging. I didn't feel any pain, so it was fine. I figure at least I might have the option to not have a general anesthesia in case of surgery with him, and that will be better for our baby, Sonora.


I asked if it could be Paget's disease (rare breast cancer) and he said, "that's certainly on the table." The treatment of Paget's is mastectomy followed by radiation and/or chemotherapy.
Yeah, I am terrified of the worst case scenario, but we don't have all the facts yet. Last time I was afraid and it was benign, so maybe this will be also.


Please pray when you think of me. I am not worried about losing my breasts ... I am worried about losing my baby girl. I can live without breasts ... I can always get reconstructive surgery, but I don't know what I would do if this caused any harm to my baby. I will be 21 weeks along tomorrow.


I am tired of thinking about it. I blogged this on myspace in hopes of "letting it go" over the weekend and just copied it onto here so I wouldn't have to retype it all.

As of right now, I am okay.

Sonora at 20 Weeks! We're halfway there!

Wow! I can't believe we are at the half-way mark! These last 2 weeks have been filled with appointments and busy-ness and all kinds of happenings, and in the middle of it, Sonora and I have reached a very important goal ... we made it to 20 weeks. We were told in the hospital that until a fetus has reached 20 weeks, the doctors will not try and save it if something goes wrong. It is just considered a miscarriage, but at 20 weeks, it is considered preterm labor and birth. Obviously, we are hoping this little girl comes out fully baked, but some of the pressure has been lifted, even if only in my mind (which, as you all know is a big relief for me!)

Let's see, the last adventure you all got to hear about was the trip to ER. It has only been a week, but the Lord is faithful, even when I am faithless. I feel as if I have turned a corner, health-wise. I still have that nagging cough, but at least the panic attacks have seemed to subside. Now, if I get anxious about something, I just start my little breathing routine (sometimes obvious to the onlooker, sometimes not ...) and I have, with God's help, been able to cut them off before they get bad. Almost at full control, actually. I went to my breathing therapist yesterday and she said I don't need to come back! I guess her big clue was when I walked in, had a seat and she shut the door and I didn't rush to wedge myself in it to keep it open! After the mumps episode, I haven't had any panic or irrational thoughts and even when I get a little anxious about something, it's now something real that is understandable to others ... I feel like the guy from Beautiful Mind when he asks, "do you see the person I am talking to?" I am always checking myself to see if I am over reacting against Daniel's emotions. I know, I know, I couldn't have picked a more polar opposite, but so far, I have been keeping calm and that's all I care about right now.

Amy took me to see Wicked at the Pantages on Sunday night. It was my birthday present this year. How I love a good musical. I did have to sit on the aisle seat, but I made it through the entire thing without incident. It was extremely crowded, so I decided to leave the theater right at before the performers took their bows. That was the last time I felt any nervousness or had the need to change my actions to avoid an attack.

We had the opportunity to go to the Blue Lantern B&B Tuesday night to celebrate our Month-a-versary! This was where we spent our wedding night almost 10 years ago. We had a free night's stay and it was about ready to expire, so we decided to take off and enjoy ourselves. We got there late, because we were invited to the Chick-Fil-A private opening ceremony by our home. We were treated to a nice dinner and the ironic thing is that we had a private audience with the son of the founder. This is the very man I was trying so desperately to contact after my fall in Florida that left me unable to walk for 9 months in 2004! My letters to him were without response. And here he was, in my home town, sitting at a table with ONLY Daniel and myself for at least 45 minutes! I couldn't believe how the Lord worked it out. I had the opportunity to tell him how poorly I was treated by his insurance company and about all the pain and suffering that followed, but God gave me a peace just to sit and allow him to talk with us and share a meal and fellowship together. It felt so awesome to have the power, and not use it. I feel like God did another healing in my life that night. Every time my leg acted up, or my ankle swelled, I had such an anger towards that company and also about all the emotional and financial chaos in our lives that followed. Here we were, alone with the man, who, in our opinion could have made a difference and we didn't even hold him accountable. God is amazing.

Well, we did get to the Blue Lantern late, but it was worth it. Daniel wanted to watch the movie Music and Lyrics, so we opened the balcony door and all the windows, enjoyed the ocean breeze, smells and sounds and Daniel put in the DVD. No sooner did the opening credits roll and I was asleep! He said he couldn't believe it! He said he didn't know what was more interesting to watch, the movie or me sleeping, since it has been at least 3 months that it hasn't taken me 4 or 5 hours to fall asleep, and even then it's only for about 1-2 hours at a time! I actually slept all night! I felt so bad, like I had abandoned him when we were supposed to spend quality time together. Thank God I have a husband who was so happy for me that I slept.

We came home early the next day, and we stopped over at Chick-fil A because the night before we were told that the first 100 customers to spend the night and be there at the public grand opening would receive free chicken meals for a year. When we got there, about 1:30 pm, the number of people was 65. So I looked at Daniel and said, " what do you think, should we do it?" And he said go for it, so he parked the car and we got in line. We were number 80 and 81. We had NO IDEA we couldn't leave the parking lot once we signed in. We couldn't go home to get provisions or anything. We were so stupid. We sat there and were determined to stick it out. I can't believe that after a relaxing night on the beachfront, I spent the next 15 hours in a strip mall parking lot! Amanda went to the sports store and bought us an inflatable mattress, Danielle brought sleeping bags, and we had extra clothes, toothbrush, etc in our car from our trip. We actually did it. We hooked up with a group of kids from Calvary Chapel Bible College and had some great times. We got fed chicken all night and by the time 6am rolled around, I thought I'd never want to see or smell another piece of chicken again! But, we won! Daniel and I each have 1 free year of Chick-Fil-A combo meals. So, that was fun. The closest I came to a panic attack was when I opened my eyes in the middle of the night and saw a gi-normous cockroach about a foot away from my nose. I jumped up and said, "I'm done! I'm done! I don't need free meals this bad!" And I was up and walking and then Daniel talked me into sticking it out, we only had about 3 hours left to go. So I sat there with a tiny flashlight on my keychain that Amy gave me and I would do random lighting of the area around me to scare off other intruders of my parking lot space!

After the big win, Daniel went to work and I went to my therapy appointment at St Joseph's. She said I didn't need to come back unless I wanted to or something happened where I was unable to use my breathing technique to find relief. Then, an hour later, I was at St Jude for my ultrasound. Sonora measures perfectly at 15 oz! I am so proud of our big girl, growing on her own despite all my body has been through.

This brings me to another prayer request. Yesterday, Bridget, my birthmother, sent me a link to the Mayo Clinic's website. She found an article about a form of breast cancer called Paget's disease. This type of breast cancer is related to the kind that landed her in the hospital with the end result of a double mastectomy. I checked it out, and every symptom is exactly what I have been suffering and experiencing, right down to the minute descriptions. I am calling my Doctor as soon as they open (it's only 5:30 am right now) and going to see if they got the results back from my breast ultrasound last week. When I read the info on Pagets, I was strangely calm, but it all made sense. Here is the link if anyone is interested:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pagets-disease-of-the-breast/DS00771

If you read it and keep clicking on "next" you will see the causes, symptoms and treatment. It would explain everything to why antibiotics haven't worked, topical cortisones haven't worked, and why nobody has been able to diagnose it for the last few months.

Yes, I am scared, but at least we would know what the heck it is. I don't know how rapid it is, and how much time we would have considering I have 4.5 months left to carry Sonora to full term, but it looks like something you shouldn't mess with, and I have already lost a few months as it is. So please, pray that what I have IS NOT Paget's disease. I read all about it last night, and thought I was emotionally okay, but all of a sudden I bolted up in bed with fear at 4:30 this morning, and I am not talking irrational thoughts, I am talking legitimate concerns about if this is finally the answer to all of our questions over the last few months. It would make perfect sense, yes, I would have an answer, but it would be devastating. I am trying not to dwell on it since I don't have the test results from last Friday back yet.

Anyway, like I said, please pray. This is the last thing that Sonora and I need right now.

I sing Sonora this silly song ...

To the tune of "What a Mighty God We Serve":

I've got a little Sonora inside of me

She makes her mommy proud

and she loves Daddy

She kicks me in the gut with her bended knee

I've got a little Sonora inside of me!

Okay - so maybe it's called "I've Got a River of Life ..." I have always heard it in with both songs together and thought it was one song ... here's the second verse:

I've got a baby girl growin' inside me

She dances all around and she makes me pee

She made her big debut when I was forty-three

I've got a little Sonora inside of me!

New Freak Act ... now playing!

Yeah ... so when I drink water, I have the sensation I am drowning.

What the heck?

I drink water like a fish ... but as it gets later at night, I get anxious about not sleeping, but I still need water, or my throat is dry, or I am plain thirsty, and then when I drink water, I feel like I am suffocating. In the back of my mind I am thinking, " great, now I will wake up 20 times to pee this 1 measley ounce out ..." and then I picture myself up all night again and it's miserable. This begins happening every day after 2 or 3 pm when I take a drink. It's ridiculous! Last night in ER I must have drank 3 gallons of water and cranberry juice, and I slept most of the night, and YET ... my mind is CONVINCED I am drowning myself. Maybe because I still can't breathe and I actually AM drowning myself ... ha ha

Daniel wants me to write about the great thought I had tonight. We were putting away groceries, well, he was, and I all of a sudden said, " Daniel ....... I love Sonora" and he said, "I know you do" and then all of a sudden, I realized something. I said, " Daniel, I remember thinking to myself when we got married, ' I will never have a first kiss again for the rest of my life' " And he said, "yeah ..." and I said, "but now we both get to! We get a first kiss on Sonora! We both get to kiss her for the first time ... we get a first love all over again with her. We get a first Christmas and all kinds of firsts now all over again!" And I was so happy I had tears in my eyes just thinking about holding her and loving her and being her mom and getting to see all of her firsts in life.

It was a great thought and I am so glad I had it!

MUMPS?

Well, I spent the evening at my home away from home, St Jude ER, and they kept me quarantined from everyone (outside) until they had a bed ready.

They asked me a billion question to which 3/4 of the answers were "yes" and then they asked to see the rash on my breasts, which until last night, I never knew was associated with the mumps when coupled with swollen saliva glands (and apparently, neither did 5 other doctors who saw me before) then they said, "well, even though you were vaccinated, it could have wore off by now, and if it is the mumps, there is nothing we can do about it. It's a virus and it has to run it's course. "

Daniel pushed for a test to make sure but they said it didn't matter since they couldn't treat me! We want to know so we can protect our friends and their children! They did prescribe ANOTHER antibiotic to try and treat the breast thing. So far, I have been climbing the antibiotic ladder for the last 5 weeks from amoxicillin, to kephlex, to septra to (now) augmentin. I am very uneasy about taking one more pill, so I am calling the OB when they open and discussing the whole thing with them.

thanks for caring & praying ...

AND THE GOOD NEWS IS >>>

I (we) felt Sonora kick for the first time last night! It was about 10:45 and we were waiting for the nurse to come back with the discharge orders and the prescription and I was on my back sitting with the bed elevated and I felt all this stirring and commotion in my lower belly and I said, "I think she must be turning or something, I can actually feel her .." And then Daniel put his hand on my stomach where he saw a little rise on the right side near my belly button and I put my hand there too, even though I didn't think either of us could feel it from the outside, and all of a sudden she totally kicked us and we both felt it! It was amazing!!!!!!

Theme song for the pregnancy so far ....

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

I'm singing hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Rich Mullins

To hear the song, go to my myspace profile page and turn on your sound:
http://www.myspace.com/penandink

Sonora at 19 weeks!

Click the picture to enlarge

We got to see Sonora on the ultrasound this morning ... and she was moving around at first when they were teaching the class, but then when it was my turn to look, she just lay there, so I asked, is it okay if we try something ... Can my husband talk to her while you still have the ultrasound on her? And they said sure, and then Daniel leans in and says, "hello little one, it's daddy" and all of a sudden, she starts flailing her arms around and kicking and moving like crazy! Everyone just gasped. Daniel didn't get to see it because he was facing my belly, but we have the video. He kept talking to her and she kept responding and then he just kept talking and told her "we love you Sonora, and so does Jesus" and she settled down and she fell asleep! Just like what he does for mommy!!! A bunch of the students had tears in their eyes, they said they have never seen anything like it. It was AMAZING! The best part of my day!

My new thing is vomiting. The last 3 days in a row. Just as random as the panic attacks. Not brought on by anything in particular, except I think it's from coughing and mucus or something. I also have this large lump on the side of my face near my earlobe. It hurts. I went to the doctor's at 2:30 and he said I have a swollen (clogged) saliva gland. I also have a fever of 99.8. He said if it gets to 101 go to ER. Well, I don't see how I can have a fever with all these antibiotics! And it's really painful - I thought it was just a swollen gland, but I didn't know it was a saliva gland, so he said, "I am going to try and milk it." I was like - is this a joke? And he grabbed a glove and put the gloved hand inside my mouth and the not gloved hand outside and was massaging it to try and get the saliva flowing. I was sitting there wondering how long I could keep a straight face ... He couldn't get it to work, so he said I have to buy lemon drops. I was like, "seriously, where are the cameras?" And he said the lemon drops will force me to produce a bunch of saliva and it will build up and force it's way out. I am thinking, this is straight out of the sequel to Willy Wonka! He said it will be "pretty painful." So, here I am at home thinking, do I really want to do this? And also wondering will sour belts work just as good???

The visit to the infectious disease specialist is approved by insurance, praise God. I still go in for the breast ultrasound on Friday.

Anyway, I am hangin' in there. I am thankful for my husband, and friends and family who support us. I am thankful that God is giving me the grace to get in the car and make it to all these appointments. I am thankful when the bill came in today for Daniel's recent ER visit that it was only 100, and not 4,000 like the total at the bottom of the page said! I was bummed about all the copays, which are adding up like crazy ... but I still am thankful for all God is doing in all of this. He is sustaining me.

I'm not crazy ... but the therapist might be!

I slept a little last night, thanks to many people praying, and to my husband, who I will cherish forever.

Daniel took a long nap yesterday and then before we went to bed, he drank a glass of iced tea hoping to get a caffeine kick. I had no idea about the caffeine until this morning. He stayed up with me and talked to me and put in Sonora's ultrasound video and just kept rewinding and rewinding it until I fell asleep. It really calms me to watch those little legs kicking and those fingers moving one by one.

I would wake up about every 2 hours and there was Daniel ... if I moved around he would say, "don't worry honey, I'm awake, I'm watching over you" and he would hold my hand and rub my sore arm, or my back or whatever and I would fall back asleep. Around 3:30 am, I woke up and he woke right up and said, "it's about time you eat something ..." I thought he was nuts, but then he reminded me that I was vomiting last night after writing the last blog and I had no food in my system ... Sonora needed her fuel to grow. He got up and made me some cheesy tortillas (as we call them ... basically they are quesadillas but on corn tortillas instead of flour) and he had a bowl of chili. I ate and was content and went back to sleep and slept until about 8AM which was a miracle. So, yes, I believe in the power of prayer and knew this morning that many of you were thinking of me and praying for me, even before the calls started coming in to check on me.

I got up and went to St Joseph's and began having apprehension in the car - not a panic attack, but just wondering if I was doing the right thing going to a therapist. I always prided myself on trusting the Lord in every circumstance and felt some trepidation. Would they try and hypnotize me to get me to relax? Would they try any voo-doo spells and make me meditate on things that were not of God? Was this all about "self help" and depending on my own strength?

I called my pastor, but he was on another call. He would call me back. I entered the parking structure ... the kind that is so short I could touch the ceiling without jumping ... and what comes next? A traffic jam right as I was sandwiched in between the 1st and 3rd levels. Oh my God. Are You kidding me???? I am here for anxiety issues and you stick me in a crowded and jammed parking structure? I looked around and thought to myself ... is there anyone here who looks trustworthy enough to give me keys to so they can park my car? I was ready to abandon ship and walk away and deny owning the car. I was becoming panic stricken. Then, there was a man who was walking towards me and he goes to get in his car. I was so thankful to God ... "I can take that place and run outta here!" Well, because I had left so much room between me and the car in front of me, the guy in front of me kicks it into reverse and almost backs into me in his attempt to snag the spot! I began crying. I just sat there, helpless and nervous and I just about died (even though nobody has ever died from a panic attack) and I watch as the walking guy throws something in his car and walks away. Well, the guy in front of me didn't see that, he thought the guy was in the car ready to back out, so what do I do? I pull a New York taxi driver and I began waving my arms and pointing and beeping my horn ... yes, in the echoing crowded structure, I began a freak show for all to witness! The guy in front is motioning to me that he's waiting for the guy to pull out and I start screaming "He's not there! He walked away!" I mean screaming at the top of my lungs in the closed car ... yeah - real logical. Now I not only beep the horn, I LAY on the horn. I am ready to ram into the back of the guy's car. there was no way I could go around him. I was in parking structure hell! I am now ready to turn in the doctor who is supposed to specialize in panic disorders into the board of medicine for being so stupid as to send a person with claustrophobia into that nightmare. Now I am at boiling point. I furiously point at the car and say, "where is he???!!!" And then the light bulb came on ... duh ... the man, the only person who was standing int he way of me and open air finally got it that his dreamspace was not available. He moved forward and I raced around the corner to the top level. I am trying to breathe and calm down.

I was trying to dry my tears before going into the therapist's office and my pastor calls. "Hey Antoniette, how you doin? What's going on?" And BLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH out comes the last 5 minutes of torture. Poor guy. So we talk and he assures me that I have good discernment and I should go in and see what they have to offer and I will know if it isn't of God and I will know what will be beneficial to me. So I suck it up and go in. I had no problem going into the tiny, mid-century, rickety elevator (I know ... ironic, isn't it?) but when the doctor took me to her 6' x 6' office with no windows, I actually said, "are you serious?" And she looked at me baffled. I said, "you do have in your notes that I am suffering from panic attacks and have claustrophobic tendencies ... right?" and she said, "yes, that's why I am teaching you some breathing techniques." And I said, "well, you may not have noticed, but this room is very small." And she said, "oh, would you like to open the door?' Well, it was an automatic door that stays shut, so I wedged myself in the chair between the door and doorjam. I sat in the freakin' doorway ... and still our knees were almost touching! Don't believe me? Ask Daniel - he was there for the entire performance.

So, she actually starts right in with a breathing technique and the first thing she says is: " I want you to picture a bright light over your head." So I said, "why? what does the light represent?' And she said, "it's just something to focus on. If you want, you can picture yourself in a place where it is very calm ... like in an MRI machine."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU ACTUALLY KIDDING ME???!!!"

The lady who is supposed to help me breathe is terrorizing me by making me picture myself in an MRI machine???!!! Daniel even piped in at that point ... he said, "that was pretty much the wrong thing to say."
We then explained to her that the very first time I ever had an anxiety attack was in an MRI machine.

Okay - so now I want to bolt like a colt! But no, I try and be strong and stay. She tells me - "in through your nose ..." and I was like, if I wasn't so sick with bronchitis and sinus problems, I COULD breathe in through my nose, but that is the problem ... I start to panic when I can't breathe, it's not the other way around where I panic and then am unable to breathe. Was this some kind of shock therapy? I didn't know, but I was determined to overcome this circus act and prevail. So I stayed and little by little I was able to follow along and try her method of breathing. It worked so well, I began to yawn ... I kid you not. She said, "you take to this very well, maybe you shouldn't try this when you are driving." I said, "the reason I am here is because I need this for times like when I am driving!"

So anyway, I guess it went okay. She didn't interrogate me, she didn't analyze me or try and counsel me, she actually just stuck to teaching me breathing techniques. So, I walked out of there at peace and thanking God. Daniel rescued my car from the top level of the structure since I wasn't quite ready to practice my new skill. We had lunch together and I came home.

My doctor called, I have 10 appointments these next 2 weeks between baby ultrasounds, a breast ultrasound, OB, family doctor, and the infectious disease specialist. I am trying to keep a stiff upper lip. I am still exhausted, but I am trying my BEST - and I mean my BEST to remain calm and be a healthy environment for Sonora to grow in. I am writing what is happening, and I hope you all realize, I am not sitting here just giving in to all of this, I am fighting to win. I am fighting the infections, the pain, the fear, everything, I am not here every day bawling my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself becoming all defeated. I am taking all that I have learned over the last 43 years and applying it the BEST I possibly can under the circumstances, and so far the baby is safe, so I feel like I am somehow, by the grace of God succeeding. I have lost about 11 pounds during the pregnancy and I am eating all the time. I am not here going to parties late at night and swimming and getting exhausted and being irresponsible. I am really trying to rest, and eat well, and exercise moderately and be positive. This pregnancy is kicking my butt, but I haven't given up. I am just purely exhausted.

Tomorrow is the day I look forward to. I get to watch Sonora for about 45 minutes to an hour on ultrasound while they use me to teach a class. I can't even wait to see my baby girl and watch her goings on inside of me. I know it will be the highlight of my week!

Again, THANK YOU to all who called and prayed and who support me, even when I am down. It means the world to all of us, and even just your words of encouragement over e-mail or answering machine have helped take the edge off of these long days for me. I appreciate you so much.

Love,
Ant~*

Please pray me through the week ...

Whoever is reading this, I could use your help.

I am exhausted. I am so tired, but I am afraid to take a nap. Yesterday I took a 2 hour nap, but didn't fall asleep until way after 3AM. I can't do this even one more day. It is literally killing me and making my mind play tricks on me. This morning on the way to church, I suffered another ridiculous anxiety attack. This time, I couldn't find my chapstick. Oh my God, you would have thought the world was going to implode and it was my job to save it! I was telling Daniel on the 5 MINUTE drive to church, "we need to turn around, I NEED the chapstick ... no, I can make it, i can just let it go ... no, I need to go back! .. wait, I can get through this, this is ridiculous ... okay .. okay ..." (I tried to pull a breathing technique of just breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth twice, but then broke into a bad cough) and then all hysteria and hell broke loose in my body and I was feeling creepy crawly skin all over my back and I had this urge to RUN. I said, "pull over ... please, I need to get out of the car" and he calmly said, "let's go to Albertson's right here and buy you some new chapstick. So he dropped me off and I walked inside as I was still trembling and I began looking for some Bonne Bell lip smackers, because my chapstick is Avon flavored stuff and I wanted some good-smelling kind with flavor. Well, no luck ... but then I saw Chapstick brand in a 3pack with flavors, so i got it. I got into the line and was trapped between 2 moms and about 50 thousand dollars worth of groceries! I just kept saying in my head, "please no price checks, please no price checks!" and I somehow was able to look normal on the outside while my insides were raging with hormone surges and deficiencies! By the time we got to the church parking lot, I was calming down, but this always includes a huge crying time because I am so embarrassed and I apologize profusely to Daniel and I get angry at how irrational my thoughts are and I am astounded each time at my behavior! The worst part is that these are so random and unprovoked that I am now living in fear as to when the next one will hit and where will I be? Honestly, it is freaking me out.

Another reason I could be tense is that on Friday I am having a breast ultrasound to double check and make sure I don't have breast cancer. I get to have a baby ultrasound on Tuesday and tomorrow (Monday) I get to go to the breathing therapist. I am so overwhelmed with appointments. i am averaging 3 a week now.

I need some relief. I don't know how it will come, I don't know in what form it will be, but I am praying for a miracle. I know the bible says God's grace is sufficient for me. I am not questioning God, but I am a little baffled. I feel beyond helpless. I know when I am weak, He is strong, so He must be the buffest He has ever been in all eternity.

I feel like I always want someone with me, but I can't concentrate when people talk to me. I get very aggravated because it feels like there is always static in my mind, and then add a simple conversation and I am overloaded. I can't even watch TV ... it's too much stimulus right now. I am in constant pain from the waist up with a burning chest, achy back and ribs from coughing and sinus headaches. I know it sounds like complaining, but in actuality, it's my list. Just my list of what is all going on at the same time right now.

Prayers are most coveted. I was able to work on some art projects this weekend, one was a computer graphic for a wedding invitation. I had the best time creating. It really blessed me to work on it and keep my mind occupied with something beautiful. The other was my ABC's of Inspiration book. 5 of us girls are doing an ABC altered book where we swap the books and all do each letter of the alphabet in some kind of mixed media art. Each letter is a word from a verse in the bible, or something inspiring. I had alot of fun completing some pages. My week was not all bad like I made it sound, but today, and right now, I am really going through it bad. I can barely type or concentrate. I want to fall asleep, but am keeping myself awake for a couple more hours hoping I don't get the infamous second wind right before I decide to go to bed. I would hate to wake up at 3 or 4 am feeling all rested and ready to get up. I have anxiety over that as well.

Funny, isn't it? So many of you reading this have come to me so many times for help and prayers and advice. I have sat and talked and prayed with so many of you for your needs and watched God work in your lives, and here I am, trusting the same God I tell you about and I can't get out of this cycle of dreading panic. So, I guess prayer is the only answer, and I have to trust it to work on my behalf.

And Sonora's behalf. And, of course, Daniel's too.