Whoever is reading this, I could use your help.
I am exhausted. I am so tired, but I am afraid to take a nap. Yesterday I took a 2 hour nap, but didn't fall asleep until way after 3AM. I can't do this even one more day. It is literally killing me and making my mind play tricks on me. This morning on the way to church, I suffered another ridiculous anxiety attack. This time, I couldn't find my chapstick. Oh my God, you would have thought the world was going to implode and it was my job to save it! I was telling Daniel on the 5 MINUTE drive to church, "we need to turn around, I NEED the chapstick ... no, I can make it, i can just let it go ... no, I need to go back! .. wait, I can get through this, this is ridiculous ... okay .. okay ..." (I tried to pull a breathing technique of just breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth twice, but then broke into a bad cough) and then all hysteria and hell broke loose in my body and I was feeling creepy crawly skin all over my back and I had this urge to RUN. I said, "pull over ... please, I need to get out of the car" and he calmly said, "let's go to Albertson's right here and buy you some new chapstick. So he dropped me off and I walked inside as I was still trembling and I began looking for some Bonne Bell lip smackers, because my chapstick is Avon flavored stuff and I wanted some good-smelling kind with flavor. Well, no luck ... but then I saw Chapstick brand in a 3pack with flavors, so i got it. I got into the line and was trapped between 2 moms and about 50 thousand dollars worth of groceries! I just kept saying in my head, "please no price checks, please no price checks!" and I somehow was able to look normal on the outside while my insides were raging with hormone surges and deficiencies! By the time we got to the church parking lot, I was calming down, but this always includes a huge crying time because I am so embarrassed and I apologize profusely to Daniel and I get angry at how irrational my thoughts are and I am astounded each time at my behavior! The worst part is that these are so random and unprovoked that I am now living in fear as to when the next one will hit and where will I be? Honestly, it is freaking me out.
Another reason I could be tense is that on Friday I am having a breast ultrasound to double check and make sure I don't have breast cancer. I get to have a baby ultrasound on Tuesday and tomorrow (Monday) I get to go to the breathing therapist. I am so overwhelmed with appointments. i am averaging 3 a week now.
I need some relief. I don't know how it will come, I don't know in what form it will be, but I am praying for a miracle. I know the bible says God's grace is sufficient for me. I am not questioning God, but I am a little baffled. I feel beyond helpless. I know when I am weak, He is strong, so He must be the buffest He has ever been in all eternity.
I feel like I always want someone with me, but I can't concentrate when people talk to me. I get very aggravated because it feels like there is always static in my mind, and then add a simple conversation and I am overloaded. I can't even watch TV ... it's too much stimulus right now. I am in constant pain from the waist up with a burning chest, achy back and ribs from coughing and sinus headaches. I know it sounds like complaining, but in actuality, it's my list. Just my list of what is all going on at the same time right now.
Prayers are most coveted. I was able to work on some art projects this weekend, one was a computer graphic for a wedding invitation. I had the best time creating. It really blessed me to work on it and keep my mind occupied with something beautiful. The other was my ABC's of Inspiration book. 5 of us girls are doing an ABC altered book where we swap the books and all do each letter of the alphabet in some kind of mixed media art. Each letter is a word from a verse in the bible, or something inspiring. I had alot of fun completing some pages. My week was not all bad like I made it sound, but today, and right now, I am really going through it bad. I can barely type or concentrate. I want to fall asleep, but am keeping myself awake for a couple more hours hoping I don't get the infamous second wind right before I decide to go to bed. I would hate to wake up at 3 or 4 am feeling all rested and ready to get up. I have anxiety over that as well.
Funny, isn't it? So many of you reading this have come to me so many times for help and prayers and advice. I have sat and talked and prayed with so many of you for your needs and watched God work in your lives, and here I am, trusting the same God I tell you about and I can't get out of this cycle of dreading panic. So, I guess prayer is the only answer, and I have to trust it to work on my behalf.
And Sonora's behalf. And, of course, Daniel's too.
I am exhausted. I am so tired, but I am afraid to take a nap. Yesterday I took a 2 hour nap, but didn't fall asleep until way after 3AM. I can't do this even one more day. It is literally killing me and making my mind play tricks on me. This morning on the way to church, I suffered another ridiculous anxiety attack. This time, I couldn't find my chapstick. Oh my God, you would have thought the world was going to implode and it was my job to save it! I was telling Daniel on the 5 MINUTE drive to church, "we need to turn around, I NEED the chapstick ... no, I can make it, i can just let it go ... no, I need to go back! .. wait, I can get through this, this is ridiculous ... okay .. okay ..." (I tried to pull a breathing technique of just breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth twice, but then broke into a bad cough) and then all hysteria and hell broke loose in my body and I was feeling creepy crawly skin all over my back and I had this urge to RUN. I said, "pull over ... please, I need to get out of the car" and he calmly said, "let's go to Albertson's right here and buy you some new chapstick. So he dropped me off and I walked inside as I was still trembling and I began looking for some Bonne Bell lip smackers, because my chapstick is Avon flavored stuff and I wanted some good-smelling kind with flavor. Well, no luck ... but then I saw Chapstick brand in a 3pack with flavors, so i got it. I got into the line and was trapped between 2 moms and about 50 thousand dollars worth of groceries! I just kept saying in my head, "please no price checks, please no price checks!" and I somehow was able to look normal on the outside while my insides were raging with hormone surges and deficiencies! By the time we got to the church parking lot, I was calming down, but this always includes a huge crying time because I am so embarrassed and I apologize profusely to Daniel and I get angry at how irrational my thoughts are and I am astounded each time at my behavior! The worst part is that these are so random and unprovoked that I am now living in fear as to when the next one will hit and where will I be? Honestly, it is freaking me out.
Another reason I could be tense is that on Friday I am having a breast ultrasound to double check and make sure I don't have breast cancer. I get to have a baby ultrasound on Tuesday and tomorrow (Monday) I get to go to the breathing therapist. I am so overwhelmed with appointments. i am averaging 3 a week now.
I need some relief. I don't know how it will come, I don't know in what form it will be, but I am praying for a miracle. I know the bible says God's grace is sufficient for me. I am not questioning God, but I am a little baffled. I feel beyond helpless. I know when I am weak, He is strong, so He must be the buffest He has ever been in all eternity.
I feel like I always want someone with me, but I can't concentrate when people talk to me. I get very aggravated because it feels like there is always static in my mind, and then add a simple conversation and I am overloaded. I can't even watch TV ... it's too much stimulus right now. I am in constant pain from the waist up with a burning chest, achy back and ribs from coughing and sinus headaches. I know it sounds like complaining, but in actuality, it's my list. Just my list of what is all going on at the same time right now.
Prayers are most coveted. I was able to work on some art projects this weekend, one was a computer graphic for a wedding invitation. I had the best time creating. It really blessed me to work on it and keep my mind occupied with something beautiful. The other was my ABC's of Inspiration book. 5 of us girls are doing an ABC altered book where we swap the books and all do each letter of the alphabet in some kind of mixed media art. Each letter is a word from a verse in the bible, or something inspiring. I had alot of fun completing some pages. My week was not all bad like I made it sound, but today, and right now, I am really going through it bad. I can barely type or concentrate. I want to fall asleep, but am keeping myself awake for a couple more hours hoping I don't get the infamous second wind right before I decide to go to bed. I would hate to wake up at 3 or 4 am feeling all rested and ready to get up. I have anxiety over that as well.
Funny, isn't it? So many of you reading this have come to me so many times for help and prayers and advice. I have sat and talked and prayed with so many of you for your needs and watched God work in your lives, and here I am, trusting the same God I tell you about and I can't get out of this cycle of dreading panic. So, I guess prayer is the only answer, and I have to trust it to work on my behalf.
And Sonora's behalf. And, of course, Daniel's too.
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