"Fairest of them All" contest ...

I realized that as soon as the Princess contest is over, all the stories will probably be deleted from the website, so I thought I'd better post Sonora's story here. There were 21,410 girls who entered, and Sonora made the top 50! We entered late in the competition with only 2 and a half weeks to vote ... I wonder what would have happened if we entered the first day! Still, what an accomplishment for someone who just happened to have a princess picture laying around and a last-minute prompt from a friend. Again, our hope was not to win the most votes, but to get her name high up enough in the polls for the judges to take notice of her face and her story. There were close to 3000 pages on the website when you went to "most votes", and Sonora was on page 7, so I think we accomplished our goal! Thank you to all who voted for her! We will find out the results sometime in the beginning of November.

My Princess Story

"Someday..."That's the answer my husband, Daniel and I would give when the inevitable "when are you having kids?" question was asked. After eight years of politely smiling and saying, "someday..." one particular doctor's visit turned our answer into: "hopefully someday" and then 2 years after that, our new revised answer became, "we're in the process of adopting."

Little did we know that Fairytales don't always have to include a wicked Queen for a stepmother or suspiciously shiny, red apples...

We tried to live life as normal as possible, but every time the phone rang, there would be a rush of adrenaline wondering if "this was the call." We had several calls, and then there were calls that said, "she changed her mind and is keeping the baby" or "she chose someone else." Someday seemed to be fading into the distance.

Then, the day after my 43rd birthday, something miraculous happened ... unfamiliar symptoms that resembled the flu turned into our doctor telling us, "I can't believe it, but you really are pregnant!"

Words can not express the shock, joy, the renewed hope, and the new fears that overtook us!Many stars were wished upon and many knees were bent in prayer to bring my pregnancy through difficult times to a real-life dream-come-true.

In October of 2007, shortly after we celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary, Sonora Adeline was born. There were no trumpets sounding from the palace rooftops, no fluffy godmothers waving wands and casting spells, just a team of doctors in an operating room and a lifetime full of family and friends in thankful tears congratulating us and showering us with love and encouragement as we joined the troops in the remarkable journey called "parenthood."

The day this princess contest ends, our Sonora will turn two, and what a wonder-filled 2 years this has been! Yes, she loves her Disney Princesses and all things bibbity~bobbity~boo. We know there are many, many kids out there who would love to win a trip to Florida, and we don't feel comfortable saying that Sonora "deserves" it more than anyone else. Of course we would be beyond thankful to win! We would cherish the opportunity to make magical memories at Walt Disney World, but if not, we hope that Sonora's story has touched you, the readers, and encouraged you to keep wishing on stars and bending those knees, because dreams really do come true!

Oh, and about that 4th prize ticket ...

We believe that even though our wish was granted and we had a baby of our own, we are still meant to continue on with the adoption. So, when asked if Sonora will be getting any brothers or sisters any time soon, we just smile and say, "Someday ..."

Happy Harvest

Well, here we are, the end of October. Sonora just turned 2 years old, and what an amazing time we have had with her so far! She is truly the joy of our lives. She is such a sweet girl. Strong willed - yes, but she is amazingly sweet and affectionate and loving.We've been taking her to parks alot and letting her climb and swing and run around like a crazy girl Sonora's birthday was Friday, Oct 16th. We went to the Pumpkin Patch and to Oak Glen with my parents, but I would have to say the absolute highlight of the day for Sonora was the surprise phone call she got from her sweetheart Nathan Lee who recently moved to Kansas

We celebrated Sonora's second birthday with a small party at the Fullerton Airport. We went to a restaurant called Tartuffles which lines the runway.It's a seedy little joint with duct tape holding the seats together. The waitresses have eyeliner that looks like it may have just been added to over the years and hair with a definite 80's fullness, but the atmosphere ... well, you just can't beat it. Scrambled eggs, toast, hash browns and bacon ... the smell of coffee and glasses of ice cold milk. With that kind of a breakfast, I can't understand how the place is going under and closing this December. I wish I had the funds to resurrect it and turn it into a destination. Make it a real 50's diner with an aviator theme, have some really kind pilot available to talk to the kids who visit and offer short plane rides over Disneyland as an attraction. We invited all of Sonora's cousins and a couple of her favorite little friends. The place was full of kids saying "oooooh" every time a plane took off as they stared out the windows.

The plan was to have Sonora fly in to her party. Our neighbor, Ken, is a pilot and has been offering Daniel a plane ride for the last couple years. We were at the condo for an air conditioner related thing and ran into Ken and he again offered a ride. Well, this time I jumped on the offer and asked if he wouldn't mind if Sonora tagged along. HE was excited to give Daniel and Sonora their first plane rides together. Well, when Daniel went to put her in the plane, she was willing and excited. Unfortunately the carseat didn't fit, so Daniel came and ran the seat back to me, but he didn't think it through and left Sonora in the plane with Ken. He knew it was only for a second, but she saw him run away with the carseat while Ken was strapping her in and thought Daniel was sending her away on the plane with Ken! Poor little thing ... she absolutely freaked out and kept saying through tears, "don't want to. don't want to." and that was the end of that. He brought her back to me and flew alone with Ken as the rest of us came back home and had a Hello Kitty Airplane cake (that matched her home-made invitations) and ice cream and sang Happy Birthday. Sonora refused to open her presents. All she wanted to do was play with her friends and cousins.

Our house is half-packed. We are living in a state of chaos, not knowing what job Daniel will end up with. This weekend, he was blessed to go on the men's retreat at church on a scholarship. He also turned 38 on Sunday. We went to Disneyland to get his free gift card and let Sonora get all her pent up energy out. It has been such a whirlwind here.

We have amazing friends. I can't even begin to describe the faithfulness of our home group hosts and their unyielding consistency to help our cause. Mike and Christine Mueller have gone above and beyond the call of duty and have shown up with meals, helping hands, children to keep Sonora company, climbed in attics, moved heavy boxes, packed a ridiculous amount of tiny craft items, offered all kinds of services, prayers and friendship during this trial of ours. And these are new friends.Then there are the old faithfuls ... people who in the midst of their own everyday life, battles, journeys of raising their own kids and going through their own times have been there to support is. Rachel with 3 children always here to lend a hand. Amanda, driving from Ontario to help pack. Billy Martin stepping out in faith not knowing who he was helping and then being surprised it was us, old friends from long ago. New friends, Chris and Ashley who brought a stranger (now friend, Shawn) to gently wrap all the little china and tea party items and then carry heavy boxes and boxes down the stairs and move to my parent's garage so we could have more room inside to keep packing. All the calls and e-mails of support through prayer. Rick and Mary Bernard, Daniel's brother, Brian, my friend, Noble, among many others have offered us to move in with them when we found out we had 30 days to move out.

Then there is the story of amazing selflessness. Ryan and Michelle Crecelius, who were renting our home, gave it up and sacrificed their own comfortability so that we could be back in our home. Ryan said, "There's inconvenient, and there's devastating. What's happening to you is devastating and for us to move out is merely inconvenient." They realized that our pending adoption was at risk if we didn't get back home because that's where the original homestudy was done. To get another homestudy in a new place would be about $2500.00 and if we had to move in with another family, all bets would be off. Ryan even said that it would be so much easier for Daniel to focus on getting a job if he had a stable home base. No apartment would rent to us with no paycheck either. We have savings enough to go on for a few months if we go back home, but not enough to do a first, last and security deposit in a new place. So, not only are they moving out, they gave us a couple days in between so we could go back in and paint my bedroom back to periwinkle and have time to move our 20 years of stuff back in. All this with a smile on their face, they sent us home with the rest of the lasagna lunch they made and have been a consistent support the entire time, even though our chaos has turned into chaos for them. ONLY IN GOD'S ECONOMY can this true story be told.

Daniel is working tirelessly for Bruce Bender, an old friend who took Daniel in when he was a teenager. Bruce and his family have been there for Daniel and Brian over the years and when Bruce heard, he offered Daniel a job immediately. Bruce owns a company that is contracted by banks to fix up homes that have been repo'd. Daniel has been doing hard labor at a house in Glendale these last 2 weeks. He has been drilling the concrete to anchor the house for earthquake safety. Then every night, he goes online and puts out resumes and applications. He has been doing phone interviews, in-person interviews, and the extra blessing of Bruce is that he's allowing Daniel any time off he needs for an interview.

That brings me to the amazing network of friends who have been pouring in the leads and the tips for what jobs are available. COUNTLESS people have e-mailed opportunities to Daniel and we are so blessed and beyond thankful. Daniel is being diligent to follow up on these leads as we continue to pray for God's direction through this difficult time.

Sonora is in a state of confusion. We are including her as we pack and she is not impressed. She goes to her drawers, which were all labeled and she knew exactly where every toy was, and now she goes to empty drawers and says, " MOMMY! Little People all gone!" and then each day I have to remind her that the pirates are sailing to our new home, the little people will be there to welcome her and all her baby dolls and toys will be there for her to play with and are waiting for her to come to her new home. She has informed me several times that she has no intention of moving. No kidding. I said, "but Sonora, you will have pretty red walls in your new home." She yelled back at me and cried, "no, I like white walls!" What the nilly nelly is a 2 year old telling me about wall colors for??? Wait ... I know, I know, I can hear you all laughing and saying, "well Antoniette, she's YOUR 2-year old!"

I assume that next time I will be writing to you it will be from my home, the place I worked so hard to decorate and build over the last 20 years and I am so excited to go back. I have missed it so much, and I can only hope and pray we get to keep it

Daniel laid off

I am so tired of being uncomfortable. I mean really really tired of it.

I know that I am not here on earth to be comfortable, but to be holy.

I get that.

I hate that I have emotions.

I hate that I have the ability to cause people to stumble.

I hate that I can't keep my mouth shut sometimes when it would be more tolerable for others if I remained silent.

I also hate sin.

I hate compromise ... the kind that goes directly against God's word.

I hate that so many people have become so tolerable of things that are wrong.

I am here, in my "home" wondering where we will lay our heads to sleep in a month.

I hate that.

I have never lost a home. I lived in my first home from birth until I was 19 and I lived in my last home from the time I was 23 until last year. I am all about stability.

I am in the most unstable time of my life, at a time when most people are settling down and getting ready to enjoy their grand kids. Instead, here I am with a very energetic toddler and no security of where we will live or if Daniel will have a job that will continue to provide for our family.

I am sick at the thought of packing up and moving.

Still, in the middle of all this complaining, I am so thankful.

I have love.

I have a beautiful daughter who kisses me and sings to me every day.

I have a faithful husband who is hard working and will be diligent to make sure we are taken care of.

In the meantime, I will try and make hair bows to sell as gifts, try to get some extra haircut appointments, I will try to find ways to make some extra income here and there to help out while I do my best to be a good example to Sonora of grace under fire.

Above all, I have Jesus.

Someday

http://family.go.com/princess-picture-contest/who-is-the-fairest/someday-19068/

My dear friend of 20 years, Brian Perez, forwarded me this link and said, "Got Sonora Pics?" So I went to the website and saw this Disney Princess contest. "Who's the fairest of them all?"

I thought, "no ... I am not going to become one of those pageant moms who dresses up her kid in foofy dresses and tons of makeup only to subject them to judgement and exploitation."

I read on and the prize was an all expense paid trip to Walt Disney World in Florida. Anyone who's known me for awhile knows what happened the last time I visited Florida (slip and fall and an emergency flight home) Add to that, Daniel has never been on a plane, and with the income he gets from working for a non-profit, well, our chances of gong to Florida on our own are slim to none.

I already have a picture of Sonora dressed up as a princess (the criteria for the contest) from her first birthday. All you had to do was write an essay (up to 3000 characters) saying why your daughter deserves to win the Princess contest. 60% of the score is based on the essay, and the other 40% is based on the photo submitted.

You've seen the photo, feel free to click on the link to read the essay. Most of you, our readers, know Sonora's story by heart and have shared it with many when we were praying her into existence. How could I sum it up in less than 3k characters?

So, I go ahead and forward the link to everyone, I post it on my myspace and facebook pages. There's 2 weeks left to vote, so if you feel inclined, please sign up at the Disney site and vote for us. We get about 40 votes and quite a few e-mails and FB messages telling me the story brought them to tears. I feel like nothing I could write would be good enough to expose God's grace on us or His mercy and love towards us, and that essay certainly doesn't do my God justice for what He has done in our lives concerning Sonora's story. Still, people were kind and said they got blessed by it.

Well, I'm at my mom and dad's house today to bring Sonora for a visit. My dad says, "Sonora has 41 votes today." I said, "yeah - she needs about 4 thousand more to catch up with first place." He said, "that will never happen." (thanks alot dad.) Then I said, "well, actually dad, I am hoping more for the grand prize rather than the votes. I am going for the votes to get Sonora's picture in the lead so the judges will take notice of the essay. Did you read the essay?" He said, "yep." I had to pull some really old teeth here, I said, "what did you think about it?" He (disapprovingly) said, "lengthy." And that was it.

That's pretty much my life in a nutshell. My parents don't approve of me and it's been lengthy.

It's bothered me all day. Brought me to tears, in fact. Part of me is wondering if I am the pageant mother after all, not so much with the contest, but with my parents. I dress Sonora up and bring her to them and subject her to judgement and exploitation. So far, the judgement hasn't fallen upon her, but it's coming, I know it. She is still cute and cuddly and the apple of my parents' eyes, but history will repeat itself and soon she will disappoint them somehow, (like I did) and it will all come crashing down. They love to send pictures of her all over the world to all the relatives that they speak so poorly of. They brag and brag about her but never once have said, "Antoniette, you're doing a good job raising her, you're a good mom."

My parents can't help themselves. They don't know how to love properly, without conditions. They don't know how to approve, or encourage, or empathize or forgive. When Daniel found out that I was left out of my parents' will, he went to my dad and said, "Thank you for providing so much for Sonora in your will, but the way I read it, if Sonora dies before Antoniette does, then everything goes to charity and none to Antoniette, is that right?" And my dad said, "yeah, I'm pretty mean that way, Daniel. If you don't finish college, then I'm done with you." And that was that. Many times I wondered if it would be different if I wasn't adopted. I don't really know. One thing for sure, I am here to protect Sonora from them. Right now, she has no idea how cruel they can be. Right now, they are at her beck and whim, they would move mountains for her. In a couple years, when she begins to have her own opinions about things and when she doesn't want to perform for them, she will quickly see the difference of what it's like to be loved, and to be needed. My mom and dad need Sonora's attention. It makes them feel good. As long as Sonora smiles and says their names, gives them the affection they crave and does her job well, she will be treated well and the inheritance that passed over me will go straight to her. If not, all goes to charity and we all miss out.

I know that my parents aren't the providers of Sonora's future, but their assets sure can help make it easier for us to get her a decent education.

Before Sonora was born, I was told by an old friend of my mother's about my parent's plan. This woman came to me in tears and told me everything and how my mom talked my dad into leaving me out of the will. She planned to take everything and go back to Italy when my dad died. He had just been diagnosed with cancer for the second time when this all happened. At the time I was informed of this, I had no reason to doubt my mom's friend. In fact, many things she told me helped me to understand and make sense of my own childhood. I went home in shock. It was bad enough growing up not knowing your own birthparents, but now add to that being abandoned by the people who raised you, the ones you call "mom and dad."

Close friends who have known about this for the last few years asked why I don't just cut them out of my life, like a bad cancer. I prayed about it and I felt that God called me to love them, regardless of how they treated me. I was reminded of the verse, "forgive them Father, they know not what they do." If I am to be Christ-like and if I am to honor them as my parents, it shouldn't be because of their loyalty to me. It isn't even about my loyalty to them. It's about my loyalty to God, and His love for me, that can provide me with the strength to continue to treat them with respect and try to bless them in their old age regardless of any lack of kindness or love returned.

Now that Sonora has entered their lives, they have decided to give everything to her, as long as it bypasses me. Ironically, that is the part that makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I am pimping her out just for her to get her inheritance. I feel like she should get it regardless of who I am, or who she is. She should get it simply because she is their only grandchild. Whether or not she jumps through any hoops isn't the issue, it's hers because of the family she was born into.

Daniel and I don't have alot. Well, we have alot, but we don't earn alot and times are a little rough right now. I just want to make sure that my motives stay pure when I go to see my parents. I don't ever want to be there and hate them, like I was tempted to feel today. I don't want to be there and think to myself, "just get through this day, you're doing it for Sonora." I want to have the attitude that I am there to represent who Christ is in my life, regardless of any inheritance. The older and meaner they get, the harder it becomes. They don't have edit buttons on their tongues. Stuff just flies out, and it's toxic. It was one thing growing up with it and just surviving. Today, I felt like I was surviving for me and protecting Sonora at the same time. It shouldn't be that way with your mom and dad.

I wonder what Sonora will blog about me someday.