Ended up in the hospital today ...

Well, all I did was go to my monitoring appointment.

I didn't do anything crazy like eat a donut, or drink a soda ... I was a good girl, as usual.

They couldn't keep Sonora's heartbeat on the monitor.

They couldn't get any readings on her because she wasn't moving.

They made me drink ice water to try and wake her up and get her kicking.

She didn't budge for them.

So they sent me straight to Labor and Delivery ...

... "they have better machines over there." That's what they told me.

Daniel walked in just as I was walking out. I said, "want to drive me across the street to the hospital?"

He about fell over.

By this time, I am used to it, and almost stoic in my tone.

As we are driving, I try and explain what little I know.

There was a lovely technician in the fetal diagnostic center on the 3rd floor where the L&D is.

She strapped a bunch of monitors to me (3) and a blood pressure machine.

I didn't even bother looking at anything.

I just prayed on the inside, and smiled on the outside.

She couldn't get Sonora to move either.

Daniel is getting a little concerned by now.

They grab some type of tazer thing and zap me in the belly ...

... Sonora almost had a heart attack. Me too.

She jumped and pushed my belly out about a foot.

THEN ...

She went right back to sleep.

The technician didn't like that.

She said in the olden days they used to bang pots and pans to get the baby to move.

Daniel decided to just ask Sonora nicely.

He said, "hey baby girl, this is your daddy. We need you to let us know you're doing okay in there. We are watching and listening to you through some monitors. We're sorry if the lady scared you, but we need you to do some dancing like you normally do. We love you very much and we're doing our best to take care of you. Let us know you can hear us, then you can go right back to resting, okay?"

He rubbed my belly in between the velcro straps as he was saying all this, then he gave her a kiss and held his hand still.

Finally, she kicked him and her heartrate went up as it was supposed to.

I was there from 4pm until about 6pm just hoping she would be okay.

Thank God, they finally sent us home.

I am emotionally drained.

I don't think I am up for any more scares ...

Honestly, when will it end???

Please, when you think of us, pray for us. We are all tired, actually, weary.

I know the Lord will sustain us and equip us. I really believe it. I just need a break. That's all.

we haven't forgotten ...

As much time as I spend thinking about Sonora and going to the gazillion doctor appointments and trying to keep myself somewhat healthy during this amusement park-style pregnancy, there is someone I haven't forgotten along the way.

This person is very important to me. This person is someone I have been praying for and thinking about every day, even though I haven't written about them in awhile. When I picture Sonora here with us in a couple years, I always add this faceless person in my family snapshot and wonder what it will be like when they are with us, too.

We are still on an adoption journey. We are still adopting a child. Whenever I picture our future, Sonora's sibling is always there with us, in my mind.

I am always thinking about this child's birthparents, about what they are going through right now as I am going through my own pregnancy. I always think about what they are doing and how they are taking care of themselves, or not taking care of themselves. I think and wonder if the baby is born yet, how old it is, if it's had a hard life so far. I don't even know anything, but I know God has a plan and we are striving to stay in it.

So, yes, we are having a little girl of our own, but somewhere out there ... someone will be having another baby who we will also call, "our own." I wonder who it will be ... I still can't wait to meet them!

Sonora at 30 weeks + update on Daniel's job.

This picture of Sonora was taken on Monday. We had 3 appointments together. I got to hear her heartbeat during the non-stress test. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor, and also one that checks me for contractions. One of the cool things I got to do, while in there alone, was see what kind of things triggered her heart rate! Normally, Sonora's heartbeat is somewhere in the 144-148 range. Well, when the nurse and I were talking, she was registering at 151. After the nurse left, she was back to usual. I called her daddy on the phone and let him listen to her heartbeat while he was at work, it was the day he had to give his acceptance of the position, so it was the first time he was ever absent (throughout the entire pregnancy) from an ultrasound. I ended up putting him on speakerphone and the minute she heard his voice, her heartbeat went up to 155! Wow! Then we talked on the phone some more and she went back down, but when I held the phone to my tummy and he talked to her, back up it went!

Now I was curious. Did she know the difference from when I am talking to her specifically versus when I am speaking on the phone to someone else. After I hung up with Daniel, I began talking to her and petting my belly like I always do when I talk to her. I said, "Well Sonora, it's just you and mommy here. Pretty soon we have another appointment ..." And I began telling her all of our plans for that day. Well, her heartbeat went down to 120. I stopped talking and she went back up to 144-145. I began talking and she got very still and went back down to 120-122. I said, "Sonora, can you tell when Mommy is talking to you?" And I was very quiet and very still. Her heartbeat went back up to144. then she kicked me pretty hard and it went up to 170 for a second, then back to the 140's. I spoke to her again and it went back down to 121. When the nurse came back in, I made sure when I spoke to watch the monitor, and there was no change ... she stayed in the 140's. So, it was very clear that she is calmed by me talking to her and she can tell when I am aiming conversation at her as opposed to talking with someone else! That was just amazing to me. We are, indeed, fearfully and wonderfully made!

I would have written about this next subject sooner, but there was a confidentiality clause going on that I could not betray, but Daniel finally gave me permission to blog the events of this last week. I wanted to honor the request of the Rescue Mission, but I also felt like I wanted to share with you the victory we overcame and how the Lord saw fit to provide Daniel with a job. After all, you have all prayed us through this fear-filled time.

Well, the position he applied for, as you know, was making substantially less than his current position. We would not even be able to make our mortgage, and a second job would be required. I am not sure, but I think I told you all of how he applied for and got a second job as a hospice chaplain. Unfortunately, that means when other people suffer, he gets paid. I know the Lord will use him mightily to reduce the suffering, but I feel very odd hoping he will get a call to go on a counseling appointment!

Anyway, Thursday of last week, everyone went in for their meetings. 3 people we offered positions, Daniel was one of them. It was making less than he makes, but we needed to stick with this job for health insurance purposes, besides the fact he is called to minister to the homeless in this capacity. Well, the next day, one of his best friends there, who was also offered a position at less pay, resigned. This left Daniel heartbroken, as now his 2 closest friends were leaving. This also left open another position. I told Daniel to ask if he could apply for it now that it was open, but Daniel didn't feel right benefit ting from his friend leaving. Well, as it turned out, they came to Daniel and OFFERED HIM THE POSITION! Now he is making what he currently makes and we don't have to take a cut in salary! God be praised. We couldn't fathom how it would all work out, but God knew all along, and His blessing is always better than we can imagine. Daniel is now able, in his new position, to have less families in his case load, which means less paper work, and part of his position is to do Sunday services, and also go out in the field and do more outreach with the homeless and bring food to them and reach them for Jesus! We are in awe of God's provision! So though he is sad that he will be missing his friends who he has had great fellowship over the last 12 years, he is also blessed and excited to begin reaching the lost again with the Word of God.

As for me, today I got some more bad news on the health front. I have to administer insulin shots now because of the gestational diabetes. It is the first time I cried on my way out of the doctor's office. I can't believe I didn't cry with any of the surgeries or any of the ER visits, but today seemed like my last straw. I just smiled and talked to the Doctor and listened to the nurse, who happened to be a believer, and got all my information and then walked out, got in my car and just started crying. Now, I have a minimum of 4 appointments each week to ensure Sonora's safe entry into the world. I have to prick myself 4 times a day, and then on top of that, give myself 2 insulin shots a day, smack in the belly. I can't imagine doing that. I think I could imagine it, but not with her inside of me, it seems very heartless to tell a pregnant woman to stick a needle in her stomach twice a day ... the same stomach she loves to rub, and touch and talk to 24/7. The same stomach that gets prayed over every morning and night and kissed by her husband. The stomach that holds a little thumper and a bunch of laughs every time that little thumper thumps. I just don't feel right about it, but that's what they told me to do, so please pray for me tonight that I will have the courage to begin this phase in the pregnancy. I have to do it twice daily until she comes out.

I know, I know, I should be thankful it's not cancer ... I am. Believe me. I was just hoping for a break, that's all.

Want to hear something funny?

10 AM ... Okay, so I get 2 calls at the same time. One from St Jude education department booking my appointment for the diabetes management class. The other call was from St Jude women's center and they booked over 30 appointments between now and the next 10 weeks! I am averaging a little more than 3 appointments per week until the baby is born. They now want to monitor Sonora for non stress tests twice a week. This will consist of me going in to the women's center and sitting in a chair for an hour at a time and them strapping a monitor on my belly and I suppose they will check her heartbeat and vitals.

Along with that, I know have a plethora of ultrasounds booked to "make sure she doesn't get too big." Like what are they going to do ... stop her from growing??? Honestly, I think people don't think before they say stuff. God knows how big or small she will be and He knows how the diabetes will affect her. He knows if she will be an October baby or a November baby, and even if in His will, she could end up a September baby. How can we presume to control His hand??? As much as I hate to think about it, she may not even survive. I had a friend go through her entire 9 months to deliver a still born little girl. 2 weeks ago, a friend of Daniel's at work had a sister who lost her little girl, she was 6 mos pregnant like me. So, I do not dare to assume anything any more. I just watch and pray and hope. That's all I can do. I have to keep myself from picturing anything, so I don't get too disappointed when it doesn't happen. I pictured walking alot during the pregnancy. Before I found out I was pregnant, I was walking between 12k and 17k steps every day. I was feeling rather (dare I say it ...) *healthy* !! I pictured going shopping for little baby things ... yeah, that didn't happen either, but God provided. I pictured all kinds of things, like hand-making something special for her while I was pregnant, but instead, she has a beautiful scrapbook made by all the people who love us and the thing my hand has been involved with is this blog, and a detailed hand-written journal of our journey together and full of prayers and advice for her for when she grows up. Nothing is going as *planned* ... well, not as I planned, but God isn't surprised.

2 more days until we find out about Daniel's job.

Okay ... it will be okay.

We find out Thursday ...

Okay, my stomach is in knots ... well, Sonora is having her fair share of gymnastic practice, but also, I am a bundle of nerves. Daniel called me while on his way home from work and said that this Thursday everyone in the department has a meeting with the boss (aka our friend, David) I guess this will be the time they tell people who stays (if anyone) and who goes. Daniel's appointment is at 9:15, I believe. I know just yesterday I was complaining about being in employment purgatory, so I guess I should be praising God for the answer to prayers ... which is please let us know what is going to happen with Daniel's job. I know that no matter what, we will be fine ... but here are the 2 options we will know for sure by Thursday: Daniel will lose his job and if that happens, we don't know if there is any severance pay or not. In that case, in order to keep our existing insurance, we will have to get on Cobra, which is about 400 a month. We are currently paying around 120 a month for excellent insurance. *OR* Daniel will be given a new position but it will be at a decrease in salary by 7K annually which amounts to a $585 loss per month. Either way, it doesn't look good.

You know what? It sure beats cancer. I have to keep saying that to myself.

Okay ... deep breath ... I need to get a grip here and trust that God knows and is not surprised, so it is OK.

Well, I guess we will all know on Thursday.

I know it's been a little quiet around here ...

I've been feeling a little melancholy. On Monday after the shower, I got a call from the doctors saying I failed the glucose tolerance test. They wanted me to go in and take the 3 hour version, and I asked if there was any alternative to see if I had gestational diabetes other than sitting in the lab for 3 hours in a chair. When I took the one hour test. Sonora didn't move for 2 days after and scared us to death. Apparently, she had a really bad sugar crash. I didn't want to put her through that again. Well, I don't have to. On Saturday, my OB called and said I failed so miserably, that it's certain I have gestational diabetes and I don't even have to take the test. I go straight to an endocrinologist.

I swear, I am so tired of all these obstacles to a healthy pregnancy. I know I am older, but we are not just talking age here, we are talking full-on decrepidness! I hurt all the time, my feet are so swollen I can't even walk, I NEED exercise, but can't. I miss running around and getting things done. I want to get Sonora's room ready, I want to cook a bunch of meals on Mondays for the week like I used to. I want to get our lives ready for this little one so we aren't all disheveled when she gets here. I want to sort and launder clothes that everyone is giving us and be able to freely go up and down the gazillion stairs in this condo. I want to run ... I know it sounds weird, but I just feel like running sometimes.

I know, I know ... there will be plenty of running once she gets here.

I just, well, like I said, I guess I thought maybe after the shower I would turn some corner where I wasn't being plagued with constant health issues. I had all this hope, and in one phone call it was dashed. I even cancelled my appointment with the infectious disease specialist on Friday because I am so sick of him not knowing what is wrong. Just because I haven't written in here, doesn't mean I stopped going through it. Daniel still does not have a job to speak of and no news of the last day at his current job. We are in employment purgatory! I still have my lovely painful breasts that are supposed to be working by 3 months ... and wondering what the end result will be.

BUT ... in spite of being a little melancholy, I am still beyond thankful. I mean, incredibly thankful. I don't even know how I have it in me to be thankful, but I honestly am. We have been ministered to by so many people. We have received money to help pay for all the medical expenses and have a small cushion for when Daniel gets canned from his job, we have received meals, we have received cards, emails and letters of encouragement, we have received provisions for our daughter like clothes, diapers shoes, socks, etc ... I can't even tell you all what a blessing it is to be us ... even in want and need, we are so blessed! Most of all, the prayer support that has come our way is amazing and humbling. I can't even say what it has done for our weary souls!

Yes, I have not written in here in awhile, yes, I am feeling a little down, but it hasn't stopped us. We are still praying together each night and reading our bibles and going to church faithfully and trying to enjoy these last few months as just a married couple without children. We are trying to say goodbye to things in our lives that we know will never be the same. Today, we had to let our Disneyland passes expire for the first time in 8 years. Last night we went and watched the fireworks and I cried. It feels weird to HAVE to give the pass up. I wish it were us choosing to give it up. It's not that I love Disneyland, I love the OPTION of Disneyland. I always pictured going there with Sonora and just walking around during Christmas time. We did have a great experience yesterday though ... we got a picture in front of a mural that says "Once upon a time ..." and we told the Year of Million Dreams cast member that we wanted a picture with Mickey or Cinderella and me when I am pregnant, and then come back and take the same picture against the wall that says, "and they lived happily ever after..." once the baby is born. She loved the idea and set it up ... a private photo shoot! Mickey and Cinderella showed up and they had 4 security people keep the other guests away and Mickey and Cinderella posed with us for pictures and asked us all about our baby and said they would be happy to take the picture again when she is born! After we were done, they opened back up the entrance to the Animation place and allowed guests back in. We felt like royalty. It was the perfect way to say goodbye to an era.

Baby Shower!

Welcome Friends!

We're having a Tea party!

There will be delicious food ... and a personalized cookie pop favor at everyone's place setting!

And we'll each be making a scrapbook page for Sonora's album!

Everyone, get to know each other and have a good time!

Help yourselves to a chocolate eclair, or a monogramed strawberry cupcake!

Don't forget to check out the personalized M&M's! They say "Pray for Sonora" and "We love Sonora!"

Our friend Rhonda will do a beautiful sign language interpretatation of "Noah's Song"

Daddy made a video of our pregnancy journey set to "Somewhere in the world..."

People took turns praying for Sonora and mommy ...

WOW! Look at the amazing cake!

Check out the intricate details!

Sonora gets so many presents!

Don't forget to take a tulip pen on the way out ...