Tears and Cheers

I rushed to the computer just now with high emotions, actually a few tears. No, we did not get the baby boy. In fact, Daniel found out we were being shown to 2 birthmothers this week and both decided to keep their children. We found out yesterday.

I have other reasons for my tears ... I sat Sonora in front of the TV. We had a great morning together, we read, we played, she took her medicine for the little rash spot on the back of her head and then asked for some breakfast. I made her a scrambled egg and said she could eat breakfast in front of the TV. We never do that, we always eat breakfast at the table across from each other. Well, I put the eggs before her and went to the fridge to pour her a glass of orange juice and I hear a faint, "God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food. By His hands we all are fed, thank You Lord for our daily bread. Amen. Yay Jesus. Oh, and thank You for Miss Antoniette who made this food for us today, in Jesus HOOOOOOOOOOOOly name, AAAAy-men."

This isn't a new thing~ her praying. In fact, she has commandeered dinner tables across the county and led groups and parties of people in prayer before. Everyone thinks it's cute, but I have been watching her and noticing she likes the attention, she likes the accolades and is always proud of herself when she is done. This time, she touched my heart because she was all alone as far as she knew, nobody heard except her and God. She thanked him for food and for me and it was just between her and God. Nobody else to impress, or perform for. I know she is only 2 and a half, but I cheer inside for her obedience to praying before meals. My heart is full, my cup is overflowing.

Afraid to even hope this time ...

Baby Boy born already. Don't know the date or time. Daniel said the birthmom wants one picture a month the first year, then one photo a year afterwards. She doesn't want visitation, but is willing to meet the child later in life. Daniel got the call yesterday afternoon while he was at work. He called me right away. I was at the Pizza Port at Disneyland with Sonora, Charlene and Sierra and Luis. He didn't ask all the questions I would have asked. We can know as soon as Monday if the birthmother chooses us. We could actually go pick up Sonora's little brother on Monday if he is already in foster care. Will update asap. Trying to remain neutral, but it is so hard.

No Baby Girl for us ...

It's amazing what 6 days of hope and then a 3 minute phone call with rejection can do to your emotions.

Our situation has not changed since last Wednesday, we are still alive, happily married with a beautiful daughter who is the apple of our eyes. There has been no fire, earthquake or flood that has taken away our home. We do not have any new deathly illnesses that we are aware of at this time. Daniel still has both jobs, our cars work great.

I don't know why, but I am slightly angry that there are a few tears that have escaped my eyes and are streaming down my face. I know I am not a robot and God created me with these emotions, but I want to LOVE and be excited for everything He has given me. I don't want to be dissatisfied in any way. I want to totally trust and know that if the birthmom didn't choose us, that it's God's best for us, and more importantly for the baby. I know all these things in my head, now to convince my heart. It's not broken, my heart is in tact, just a little eye leakage, that's all. I think if anything came out of this, it's that I see I was not ready to give up the adoption. So, I don't know what's next. I am afraid to make any ridiculous statements like, "well, when I am 47, THEN we'll end it." Because then God would just laugh some more ... I will just sit and trust that whatever He wants for us, He will make clear, in HIS time, like HE ALWAYS does.

YIELD!

This is the day I want to take control of. This is the day that I want everything to go MY way. I want the birthmother to "pick me" and I want somehow to know that the baby will be born healthy. I want everyone to be okay. I want the siblings who watched mommy be pregnant these last 8 months to not have stress when she comes home from the hospital one day with no baby sister. How does all that happen? I mean, I don't know how old the other kids are, but if there are 3 other siblings, then that means that at least one of them is old enough to have somewhat of a clue as to what's happening. How could you not wonder what it means when mommy has a baby and relinquishes it?

I want the butterflies to leave my tummy ... butterflies is a "nice" term for the constant rumbling. I want to be able to tell Sonora, "PRAY HARD for a baby sister ... she is probably choosing right now!" But I don't want to example to her to pray hard for what you want. I want her to learn to pray for God's will and for the ability to not only accept it, but to love it! Like me, I want her to learn to yield. I want to be able to just flow with whatever He sends our way and be excited, knowing that all His provisions, or holding things back are indeed, a blessing.

I think her appointment was at 1pm today. I was praying then, and pretty much continuously all day. I don't want to wait until tomorrow to call to see if we "made it" into the top three or not. I want someone to call me before 2pm and say, "well, get the crib and carseat ready, by mid-June, you will be a mommy again. That's what I want. Instead, I will yield. I want to LOVE to yield my will to God's will. I want to enjoy, not endure.

Thanks everyone who's been praying for us today. I really appreciate the e-mails, facebook posts and texts. It means alot. Will let you know asap.