Sonora at 18 weeks!

Click the picture to enlarge In spite of numerous doctors visits and and endless supply of antibiotics, Our little baby girl is growing strong. She weighs 10 ounces and is the size of a sweet potato! It is such a joy to see that little body move about during the ultrasounds. This last visit, on Tuesday, she was moving her fingers one at a time, lifting only her pinky finger as if she were drinking a cup of tea, then giving the hang-ten sign. She was holding up her index finger as if to say, "hey, I have an idea ..." It was truly amazing to watch. I felt a little weird this time, like we could just spy on her without her knowing, almost as if we were intruding. I can't say how thankful I am for these few minutes every couple weeks to check in and see her move and grow. It comforts me more than I can put into words.

As for me, well, the nightmare continues. My doctor called yesterday and I will be going to see an infectious disease specialist. The cough is not gone. The bottle of antibiotics stays near. At night I have the decision to make of whether to sleep without pain or breathe, depending on if I take a tylenol or an actifed, because I was advised not to take both together. The anxiety attacks are less frequent, but seem stronger in intensity. I am not on any medication, and have not seen the therapist to teach me the breathing exercises yet, though I did call for an appointment. Daniel and I had a free night at the Blue Lantern that we wanted to take advantage of over Memorial Day weekend, but decided against it because we thought it would be a bad idea to be close to the cold ocean air with my cough. We met on Memorial Day, and we spent our wedding night at Blue Lantern, so we were really looking forward to it. Oh well, there will be more opportunities (Lord willing...)

Speaking of Daniel, he is amazing. He is such a rock of stability for me right now. There have been a couple times where he is just at his wits' emd when he wants to help me and can't, but the majority of the time, he is beyond patient and the perfect picture of calm strength. He is able to work his second job for 3 more weeks. That is a blessing and a curse. I need him home with me, but now we have so many medical bills including ER visits, medication and copays up the wazoo! I am praying for some kind of relief, and soon.

I also want to say THANK YOU to all of you who are praying me through this uncharted territory. I feel like eveyone who has ever been pregnant looks at me with question marks in their eyes wondering how I can even survive all this. People have said to me, "wow, I threw up, but that's about it. I thought that was bad ..." or " I had an easy pregnancy and it drove me crazy, I can't imagine going through what you're going through ..." I know it sounds horrible, and believe me it is, but even in the middle of all this, I know the Lord is blessing me, blessing us with endurance, patience, faith and hope. I still trust Him and I still know He is in control. It is the foundation for my peace. I can't believe I still have joy in the midst of all this chaos.

Well, I am beat. It's only a little after 8am, but I already need a nap ... hopefully, I can go against my nature and actually do it ... actually take a (gulp) nap!

I'm not crazy!

Well, that's the good news ... I'm not crazy!

I went to St Joseph's and saw this doctor and he gave me pages and pages of tests to fill out and asked me a gajillion questions. He even included testing for OCD which I was POSITIVE I would be diagnosed with. Surprise, surprise! I am not OCD - even if I eat m&m's 2 at a time only. I have mild tendencies, but he said the things I do are more like habits from childhood, and not anything like repetitive. The only thing I like is symmetry, and my world can function if I don't have it, so PHEW!

As for the panic attacks, he said that I definitely have a low serotonin level and that is amplified by lack of sleep. He said he can give me some medication, or I could go to a counselor to learn some relaxation techniques, or take mild sleeping pills. Because I am pregnant, I can't go on the kind of meds you take as you are having an attack that will instantly stop them. I chose to go and learn the breathing stuff, I've had enough meds in this body the last 2 months, and I don't want to chance anything. The one bad thing I got from talking to him is that it gets progressively worse as the pregnancy continues, but will go away after I give birth. THANK GOD!

So, I came home, on the crowded freeway and had no panic attack. I have been perfectly fine the last 2 days with no incidents. I think also that knowing what was happening made me feel a little empowered and the knowledge I gained has given me some comfort.

Now, my next appointment had less hopeful news. When a doctor looks at you who is a dermatological specialist in his field (the skin), and says, "wow, I've never really seen anything like this before." And then proceeds to pull out a book the size of my bedroom ... well, you kind of know it isn't going to go well. I gave him a list of all the doctors that have tried to treat me, the dates and the means of treatment. He asked for the number of the last doctor who said it was an infection. (2 said it was topical, and one said it was an infection) so I gave him the number to the OB who last prescribed more antibiotics. They talked on the phone for about 15 minutes and when the doctor came back in, he said there was nothing he felt he could try because when he was talking to my OB, I guess they BOTH pulled out their big blue books of medicine and everything they wanted to try was a class D and unsafe for the baby.

They decided to collaborate and get my primary care physician to refer me to an infectious disease specialist! WHAT THE HECK? It's not like my boobs jumped off my body and hopped on a plane to the Orient and ate something foreign and caught a disease! I have no idea what the heck is going on. Well, at this point I am thinking, "wish I had those breathing techniques in my arsenal to combat this anticipation of dealing with this pain over the 3 day weekend ..."

There was one good thing, I was being heard. I had 2 doctors not give up. Together, they tried to come up with something that would help me, and for that I am truly thankful. They, together, prescribed another (even stronger) antibiotic and a topical. So far, I have seen no difference. I am seriously concerned, because I have been on antibiotics for over 4 weeks straight now. I am begging God to not let all this hurt my baby girl. I think it's weird how I was willing to take a baby whose mother was on methanphetamines her entire pregnancy, but God forbid, my own baby swallow some antibiotics so I can heal.

Daniel is laughing and making fun of me now ... he said, "see what happens when I get sleep? A 500 word essay."

I did get some sleep last night, I felt pretty good all day long. I just pray it continues. I looked up serotonin on the net and how to increase it by food sources and they said eat foods with tryptophan ... but here's the ironic part ... it also said that increased levels of tryptophan cause muscle and joint pain, and aggravates symptoms of certain diseases, one of which is (dun dun dunnnnn ....) you guessed it: Fibromyalgia! I am not even kidding!

Well, I choose sleep and sore muscles over crazy, irrational thoughts ANY day of the week and twice on Sunday, so tonight it's a turkey sandwich for me!

My mom is doing much better, thanks for all the prayers. Daniel started a blog also, so if you aren't sick and tired of what's going on in our lives, head on over to his blog and check it out. His name is Jesuswell. You can go back a couple of blogs here where he left a comment on mine and just click on his name and it will take you right to his blog ... I think it's called the heart of the matter.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend everyone!

2 appointments today

My mom made it through surgery okay, the pacemaker is in and there was no problem, everything went smooth. However, she had a bad reaction to the pain meds (or the anesthesia) and can't stop vomiting ... so she is throwing herself forward and making problems with her shoulder that holds the pacemaker ... please keep her in your prayers.

I am going to see a dermatologist for a lovely condition that the doctors have been battling for about 8 weeks now. Apparently, I am having some type of reaction to my breastmilk coming in ... I have seen 4 doctors and a lactaid specialist already and now it's the dermatologist's turn to try and cure the burning pain I feel and the visible red band across my chest. So, that is appointment number one. Appointment number 2 is with the post partum guy at St Joseph's. I am a little leery of this appointment, but I am going because I want to make sure I have tried everything available to me to get help.

I feel a little pressure about not being able to be with my mom at the hospital today. I thought she would be discharged at 11AM and I could see her at home, but I can't miss these appointments, especially since I may have some relief before the weekend for one or both problems.

Okay, deep breath ... I'm ready to go to my first one now. Wish me luck ...

It's A Girl!

Well, Monday at 10am, Daniel and I went to the Ultrasound clinic and for about 45 minutes, I got to sit and watch my little baby girl kick and swim around and flail her hands, and have the hiccups and rub her eyes and it was the BIGGEST blessing of my life!

I felt like such a loser, with my fear dictating my emotions. I felt like doubting Thomas ... I had to see for myself on the ultrasoundthat everything was okay. I always thought of myself as the girl who didn't need to "see to believe" but here I was feeling much relief after I saw the wall of my uterus firmly attached to the placenta with no tears. When we walked out of the college, I silently thanked God and apologized for needing this kind of a sign that my baby is okay. I want to be the kind of person who just completely trusts Him. After all, He has never let me down before.

Well, we have a name for our daughter. It's

Sonora Adeline Saunders

The Lord also has provided some counsel for me in a few ways. I talked to 2 people yesterday who I know and trust and found out they both have suffered greatly in the past with anxiety attacks. I never knew this about either one. Then, this morning the head of the Postpartum unit at St Josephs called me. Daniel knew someone from work in the business and they told him about this Dr. So, Daniel called him and he called me and will evaluate me and see how much of this drama is due to hormones and if there is any way to tell if I will be susceptable to post partum depression and how to avoid it.

AND ... right in the middle of typing this, my mom called and she is having heart surgery tomorrow ... so please pray for her.

Thanks.

Love,

Ant~*

Anxiety Attacks, back with a vengence

This post is not for the emotionally faint of heart. If you are a rescuer, don't read this. If you are a worrier, don't read this.

On the other hand, if you are a prayer warrior or an intercessor, feel free to dive in and do battle on my behalf.

Frankly, I am tired of asking for help. I am tired of asking for prayers. I am exhausted beyond belief. Notice the time? It's 3:42AM as I begin writing this. Daniel has to be at work tomorrow and I don't want to bother him. He deals with me enough in his waking hours. And I love him and want to give him a break so he'll stick around.

My thoughts have been irrational. Some of you already know what I am talking about. For those wondering what "irrational" means, well, let me try and explain without getting myself worked up.

Right now, I am unable to control anything in my life that is important to me. I have been unable to go to church because of severe sleep deprivation and uncontrolable violent coughing. I have been unable to do my bible studies because of complete lack of concentration. My mom's heart is not doing well and I can't help her or my dad, who is still battling cancer. They are both in their early 80's. My neighbor's chihuahua roams around outside at leisure and barks night and day. Most people would be annoyed, so I am not over-reacting, but the irrational part is when I start to cry because I can't make it stop. I find myself in the middle lane of a freeway during traffic, which I have grown up with all my life here in So Cal, and all of a sudden, I want to get out of the car because I feel trapped. No, I don't fling open the door and jump out like I want to, I just try and move across to the shoulder, and by the time I get there, I talk myself into driving "just one more exit" until I finally reach home and wonder what the heck just happened to me.

All the big things that I always trust God to handle are all of a sudden pressing on me as if I can make a difference. Rational me will pull a Dr Phil and say to myself, "well Antoniette, you are afraid for the health of your unborn baby and there are other life-changing events taking place right now. Since you have no control over them, you are trying to control the little things. Your world is spinning out of control and you are afraid that if you let go of one thing, they will all come crashing down around you. Let's take this to the Nth degree ... what would happen if one or both of your parents die? Would life go on? What would happen if you miscarry? Would life go on? And ultimately, would God still be God? Would God still be worthy of all the glory?"

My appropriate response, and heartfelt truth of my existence is a firm and unshakable "YES!" When I sit and take everything to the extreme and play it all out, I know that I know that the Lord is in control. It calms me and soothes me. Problem being: when I am in the middle of a panic attack, when the hormones of pregnancy and perimenopause are raging in my already weakened system, I can't think rational. All I think is I need to get out. Out of the middle lane of the freeway, out of my house, off the ride ... I need to run to the nearest exit and see the light of day. I need to breathe.

I have spent years informally studying people as they sat in my chair while I did hair. I have listened to and counseled hundreds of people and accurately pinpointed issues in their lives and been able to guide many to Christ and help them overcome what seemed to them insurmountable hurdles. Yet, here I am, self-diagnosing and trying to self-counsel with all the wisdom and experience I have gained, and I can't even get myself to stop obsessing over trivial things that are beyond my control. I can't shake the creepy, crawly skin on my back and need to scream as my head swirls with thoughts of escaping this tortured body and soul that seemingly overtake my spirit. I am not talking suicide here, I love my life. I have an amazing life and I know it. I am talking about the torture stopping ... escaping the torture. Like, my physical and emotional circumstances are an ulgy, scary movie with the volume turned up WAY TOO LOUD and all I want to do is run out of the theatre and take a deep sigh of relief. I don't want to escape *me* ... I just want to escape the pressure that is overtaking me.

I love my order.

I miss it.

Maybe God is preparing me to let go of it completely and begin a new way of life - a flexible way that is better for the mental health of our baby. I want to embrace it. I swear, if this is what God wants, I want to LOVE it with all my heart.

I am tired of wondering if I will see a dead baby on the next ultrasound. I am tired of feeling so much guilt every time I cough thinking,"was this it? did I finally rupture the placenta a kill my baby? How will Daniel ever forgive me?"

Are those such irrational thoughts?

God help me.

I totally understand if all of you reading just want to stay away from me. I totally and completely understand. Part of me wants to be left alone ... to not hear trivial stories about things that will just add to the already static-filled recesses of my mind. The other part craves fellowship. Deep, meaningful conversations about God's goodness and grace. Even Daniel, who people think of as my own personal pastor, isn't capable of 24/7 Jesus edification.

Please, let me just ask you to pray for me. I have had a horrible first trimester and just as it was coming to an end and I was feeling some emotional relief, my bronchtis hit. Well, now that I am on my 4th week of unstoppable coughing, my emotions are being taxed and I can't afford the interest. I am at my wits end. I just want to be distracted ... to not think about if today will involve a trip to emergency for me or my parents. I want to be like every other person out there who has successfully delivered children. I want to be able to just "be" ... I can't even describe what I imagine *peace* to feel like right now, because I can't get to the *relief* stage.

This isn't some random, middle-of-the-night rant ... for now, this is full-time, all the time me.

And it's exhausting.

It's crippling.

It's literally unbearable.

Okay soldiers ... the battle begins ...

17 weeks!

Thank you God for letting me make it this far! It's been a week of resting and taking care of myself and baby. Our little one has made it to 17 weeks and is 6 and 1/4 inches long, and about the size of a sweet potato. I think that's kinda funny since Daniel's nickname for pooping babies is "little yam factory!"

I am still coughing, but my voice is returning and I am sleeping much better. I am still on antibiotics for about a week and we'll see if we can finally kick this bronchitis out the door once and for all.

My abdomen muscles are so tight. I always feel twinges here and there and I can't tell if it's our baby making it's kicking debut, or just sore muscles from coughing so much.

Monday, Daniel and I will be going to an ultrasound clinic to see our baby again, mostly because the last 2 ultrasounds I didn't get to see very much. Maybe we will find out the sex this time ... that will be exciting.

Thank you ALL OF YOU who prayed us through the frightening times. Thanks for the visits, the lunches, the flowers, the cards. I am so blessed to be reminded that there are people out there rootin' for this little one. I can't even say how grateful I am for the prayers, most of all.

I haven't really spent alot of time writing about my feelings because I haven't had much time to feel in the midst of the sickness and chaos. I have been pushing the fear out of my head and afraid to hope.

I don't say how much I love this baby because I feel so vulnerable. It's like when you love something so much, you have more to lose. But, I have to say, in the many quiet moments of my days, I will catch myself rubbing the bump on my belly and saying "hang on little one, I can't wait to hold you." I sit there and tell my baby "I will be a much better mom when you are out than I am a carrier." I tell the baby all the time how "Daddy can't wait to meet you! We have so many plans to make your life wonderful!" I make up silly songs to sing to my baby and I pray for each little limb that is forming and for it's brain and heart and we always, every single night, tell it how much Jesus loves it.

I know that many people consider babies "real people" before they are born, and many think they are people at birth, but we know this child already has a spirit and God is weaving its personality together. If it is a girl, it already has all the eggs that it will be able to produce and our future little grandchildren are also with me now. It's amazing to think how the body is formed and at what rate the heart starts beating and the ears begin to hear. After seeing it kicking and swimming, and then resting all curled up in a little ball, I am just in awe of God's handiwork.

I know it isn't me at all, but God who is making this baby. Obviously, my body is betraying me and would probably mess this child up if it was in full control, but the Lord is the one who is in control so we will be able to praise HIM when this baby is born. I know it has nothing to do with me. I am just fortunate enough to get to go along for the ride.

Our little Baby is hangin' on at 16 weeks!

Well, today was the best news and the biggest relief! Debbie Hambright picked me up at 3pm for my 3:30 appointment. She drove me there and Daniel met us when he got off work. At first when I went in, I told the ultrasound tech no internal wand today because we didn't want to mess with anything inside because of all the bleeding. She gave me an attitude and let me know she needed to do her job and get the cervical measurements and they wouldn't be accurate unless she went inside. I said then go talk to Dr Gray and make sure it's okay with him, so he came in and said it was necessary, so I said okay. I was scared.

Well, she went in as I held my breath and Debbie and Daniel got to see the baby moving around, but my head was past the monitor again so I didn't get to see anything. The placenta has not ruptured and is not leaking. I am still on bedrest, but after they get rid of the cough and the bleeding is stopped completely, I can do regular stuff - but never anything like jogging or strenuous stuff. Like I care ...

I got more antibiotics, they have me on benadryl now instead of the cough medicine. They figure since they can't thin the mucus, they want to dry it up. Saturday I puked up all the super-strength cough medicine they gave me, so I think I am allergic to codeine.

Well, our little baby is very modest. The baby was sitting right on top of the wand during the internal ultrasound and we got a really good shot of it's booty and thighs - but it had it's legs covering it's privates! So maybe next time we can see the sex. When they went on the outside and did the next ultrasound, we saw the baby was sitting straight up in the breech position. Totally fetal, all curled up with knees tucked to it's chest and arms pulled in tight, head tilted down. Baby's face was facing my back. Heart rate was 141 on Saturday, and today it was 158 ... alot stronger! We got to hear the heartbeat, it is obviously music to our ears! I thought maybe if I coughed a few times I could get it to turn around so we could tell if it is a boy or a girl ... Just kidding! At this point, I am so thankful it is an anything at all and it is alive!

Thank you Jesus!

Results from ER Visit today

Just got back from ER

I am blogging this before I get all the way to the top of the condo since I am now on strict bedrest.

Woke up, there was heavy bleeding with clotting, so I called the women's center. Daniel had already left for work, but he came right home. Dr Gray said it could be from all the coughing and I may have ruptured some capillaries in my cervix, but to go get an ultrasound at ER right away and make sure the baby is okay and call him with results.

Went to ER immediately at 9AM and they didn't get my ultrasound until 2pm.

My mom, dad and Daniel were with me. I texted many of you asking for prayer. They wouldn't let me eat or drink "just in case they had to perform a procedure". What the heck did that mean??? So I just lay there in the bed. I kept checking for blood and it kept coming.

Jen Lee came by to visit and it helped take my mind off the fear.

Finally the ultrasound. They measured everything - they kept it on the outside ... phew! I didn't get to see it, but Daniel and my mom and dad saw the baby move. Praise God.

I went back to the room (luckily I had my own room in ER) and waited for the blood test results where they checked my hormone level and waited for all the Ultrasound measurements. Baby is 16 weeks and 2 days old.

Bleeding slowed down but didn't stop all the way yet.

My parents and Jen left. Then my sister came out all the way from Fontana. She. more than anyone, understands exactly what I'm going through. I was so thankful that she was there to think of questions I should be asking and she asked the doctor things that I needed to know but didn't even think of.

We asked him what could possibly be causing the bleeding and the 3 things he said are:

"Something outside of the pregnancy, like the coughing, or maybe a pollup or something."
"A ruptured placenta"
or
"it could be the beginning of a miscarriage."

Next obvious question was what can I do on my part to help?

He said strict bedrest, only get up to go to the bathroom. I am assuming the bedrest is up to 20 weeks, or when I stop bleeding. I will know for sure when I see my regular OB.

So, here we go. I am on my way upstairs to begin this journey from my bed and pray I don't go crazy!

Thank you for your prayers, they are coveted more than you know. I see the ultrasound person on Monday, they will check my blood again and I see my regular OB doctor on Thursday.

Please God, protect our little one. Amen.

Big Scare Today

Well, I've been battling this bronchitis for a week now. The low-dose antibiotics aren't doing me any good. I did sleep about 5 hours last night which was a God-send. I have been violently coughing for a week now. I've suffered a few minor asthma attacks as well.

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and there was blood. I just about fainted. Daniel was leaving for work and I opened the bathroom window upstairs and yelled his name hoping I would catch him in the garage before he started the engine. I kept wiping and there was more blood. He could tell by the way I said his name that it wasn't good and he was all the way up the 3 flights of stairs in less than a minute.

I showed him the toilet paper because I wanted to make sure someone else saw what color and how much in case I broke down in tears at the doctor's. He just began crying. We called the women's center right away and told them what was happening and they said they would call us back since they had to get a doctor on call since they weren't open yet. It was 8:30 Am.

I kept saying "hold on little baby" over and over. I didn't have any cramping which was the only thing keeping me from slipping into a fit of hysteria. Daniel prayed over me and the baby and I figured it would probably be a long day so I went and took a shower. I was extremely calm under the circumstance. Daniel was visibly shook up. I kept trying not to cough, but every time I took a deep breath or tried to stop coughing, I had to cough more. I was so afraid of my stomach contracting at that point. I got out of the shower and still no call. I called them back and said we've been waiting 45 minutes, we need to see someone right away. They said come in and I saw the nurse practitioner - the same one who I had my first appointment with.

She went and got the Doppler to find the heartbeat and it took her awhile. She said if she couldn't find it she would order and ultrasound immediately. Well, it was taking awhile and Daniel was there holding my hand as I lay on the table and she was rolling that thing all over my lower stomach looking for signs of our little baby's heartbeat. My heartbeat was coming across LOUD and strong and fast ... then all of a sudden Daniel said, " There it is, I heard it!" And she nodded her head and she said, "me too" and I didn't hear a thing and she kept trying to get back to it. She finally did and it was loud and strong! THANK YOU JESUS!!!! I just burst into tears and said thank you. And she kept the Doppler there for awhile so we could just listen to it. What a relief that was.

She then checked my insides and said that everything is still closed up like it should be. She asked if we recently had sex and obviously I have been so sick, we haven't. She said no sex until we figure out what happened. I asked if the medication for bronchitis had anything to do with it she said no. I have to go back on the 14th for my regular ultrasound appointment and they will check me out then and measure everything to make sure I am holding on to this little one. Until then, I gotta take it easy and concentrate on getting better.

On the way driving home, Daniel was telling me how he always used to pray for people who had miscarriages, but he never understood until now that even though the baby isn't born yet, it is still very real to the parents and very much alive and has it's own little spirit. We just thanked God over and over and we came home and he had to go to work. I am going back on the couch to put my feet up. I didn't know whether or not to make this a private blog entry or not, but you know what? I figure everyone who reads this is someone who loves us and will pray for us, so you might as well read about it all and know what's up. This is real life ... and I don't mind sharing it with you.

Please, pray for our little one, and for us. We're doing our best and it feels like it's not enough.

Thanks.

14 weeks and holdin' on! Another picture!

Click on the pic to enlarge! Despite me having full blown bronchitis, Daniel and I went to get another ultrasound today. I didn't realize because they are measuring my cervix every 2 weeks, the U/S has to be done from the inside. The tech was kind enough to let me be covered and she did an outside one so my parents could see the baby. Wow, it really moved and swam around and was quite the acrobat! What a thrill to see those little arms flail about and watch those feet kick. Daniel says it's just amazing how active the baby was compared to last time, as if it knew something special was happening. We got to see it from every angle. The picture she happened to capture was from the back - quite a provocative pose with our little one looking way over it's left shoulder! We can't wait to go back. I think I could just sit in that room and watch this little one all day long till I fall asleep at night. Amazing.