Sonora at 26 weeks

It has been a long while since I have updated this blog of ours. We are still in a state of limbo with my infection, and also Daniel's job. It seems pointless to come on here and say, "pray for us" because I know so many of you are. It feels weird to say I am frustrated, because I know that so many of you are relieved with us that it isn't cancer. I feel like if I complain about the burning pain I am in, someone will say, "Oh my God girl! Put a sock in it!" But the truth is, we are still in the middle of fighting 2 huge battles.

Daniel has no idea what is going on at the Mission. They interviewed all the internal guys 2 weeks ago, and last Monday was Daniel's turn. Now, they just got done interviewing all the outside guys. It would only stand to reason that they would hire from the outside, because let's think about it .... who would want to hire someone back at less pay and have to deal with the disappointed employee, when you can just get new blood in there who is happy to work at that salary because they have no idea it has been reduced by thousands. I really feel he will not get the job. He did get a job for a couple hours a week as a Hospice Chaplain - but it's only A COUPLE HOURS A WEEK. Other than that, he is in some freakish limbo waiting for them to ax him. We don't' know what day, we know nothing.

As for me, the pain is sometimes unbearable. I will be sitting here and then all of a sudden gasp because of a shooting fiery pain. My surgeon is still on vacation and his office folks wont let me take the tape off. I have no idea what to expect to see under there, or if taking it off will relieve any pressure I feel. I think we finally got the allergic reaction calmed down and we are now dealing with the original red band of horror again. Now, since they removed milk ducts, there is a whole new set of weird feelings on the right side. I can't tell what is "normal" for pregnancy and what I should be concerned about. I just sit here and say to myself, this is just probably regular stuff that everyone goes through" when I feel a twinge or something. I forget who I was talking to, but they said I was like some kind of Pregnancy in Wonderland!

Well, the good news is that our little Sonora has made it to 26 weeks!!! Just 10 weeks ago I was sitting in a hospital bed and they were telling me it could be the beginning of a miscarriage. Here we are and she is kicking strong and somersaulting and doing all kinds of amazing feats inside of me! Yesterday we had another ultrasound. I WISH we had a video of this one. As we peeked in on her, she was grabbing the tips of all her toes on her right foot with her right hand. Then when they zoomed in on her face, she was sucking. Not on her arm, or fingers, just her little lips were going a mile a minute. I was the cutest thing I ever saw ... like she was giving out a hundred little kisses! I am so glad that memory is one that is etched on my brain! They did get a still shot of her little lips going, it's a pretty good profile. There was also a shot of her with both hands raised up and palms up - as if she was singing a praise song. It was beautiful. They got a picture of it, but you can't see her second hand very well. One thing that is really noticeable is the presence of chubbiness. FINALLY! We were looking in on this skinny, skeletal thing for so long, and now we have chubby little cheeks and some fat on those tiny little arms. Her body is filling out and she is so adorable. I am so blessed to be able to check in on her and watch her grow. She is still flashing the camera as usual. One of our standing jokes is, "Well, she's still a girl!" because she is not at all modest. I can't think of one ultrasound where she hid her privates. This little girl has no inhibitions at all! We will have to teach her modesty first thing!!!

I want to say thank you, again, to everyone who has been helping us out, holding us in prayer, bringing meals, calling to check on us. It means so much. I can't even tell you how much the support has helped get us through this horrible set of unfortunate circumstances. We are so grateful to God for His provision of friends in our lives during this time. We are at the 6th month mark with the pregnancy this Saturday. It seems more like the 6 year mark ... but I have to say, my faith has never been so tested as in the last couple weeks. I am somehow surviving, and not only that, but knowing we are loved and cared for has been a balm to our weary souls. We sit there at night and talk about how we never thought so many people even cared about us. I mean, I know we can call anyone and go out and share a nice meal, or hang out and play games or something, but when the chips are down, and people still are there ... wow! That is a testament of God working in His people, calling them to fellowship, and to nurture each other and uphold the weak. I HATE being the weak one, I can't tell you how much I absolutely HATE it!!! I like being the one to bring good tidings, and presents and fun times. I am good at that. I am horrible at being the receiver of charity, and the subject of prayer. I am awful at being pergnant. I can't even walk on my own, I need the wheelchair and I am so swollen and my fibromyalgia is acting up and I can't even take an Advil. You wanna know something??? I miss Advil. I liked relying on Advils ... not on the prayers of a hundred friends. Now, however, I see the benefit, the importance of the hundred friends, and I understand more. I have more compassion now. I see how when I did stuff for other people, I was not the hero, God was. It is all making sense to me now.

More Family Pics at the Beach

Family Pictures at the Beach ...

It's Not Cancer! Daniel's job status in the air.

Just got back from the infectious disease specialist. I called Dr Petrie's office on my drive over there this morning. I got the pathology report saying it isn't cancer. PHEW! My appointment with the infectious disease specialist was at 9:30 ... he blew off a bunch of other people and stayed with me and tried to figure this thing out for over an hour and a half! I handed him my list of every doctor I have seen, every date, every symptom and every medication. My obsessive organized list-making skills that have been the butt of many of your jokes have now earned me a "very well done" from the doctor. The puzzled look on his face when he finally examined me though ... well, that was another disappointment.

I explained how it isn't the first time I have seen that look, and how even 2 doctors had to go and consult the "big book". He did the familiar head shake, but at least he didn't scratch the back of his head like the dermatologist did. He said, "well, add me to the list ... I am going to go consult that big book right now." And he went into his office, which I could see in to, and sat at that desk with the monster 12 x 14 and 6 inch-thick book and read and flipped pages and read some more.

The front desk woman (who seems to take pride in running the place and making others feel inferior) kept at him to see the backup of people coming in. Actually, when I walked in, she growled at me and said "I don't have any authorization for you to be here." And I said, "Dr Trotter called me at home and asked me to be here at 9:30" and she said, "I don't care, you're not authorized by insurance, so I don't know if we can see you today." And I said, "okay, well I'll just wait till he gets here and at least let him know I showed up." And then the nurse said, "Dr Trotter wants her in the exam room" And then all of a sudden, the Nazi lady said, "well ... I guess I can just charge you the 10 dollar copay and try and get the authorization later." And I said, "thanks ... oh, I made these pens for you guys" and handed her 3 beautifully beaded pens that I crafted for the front-desk people. She said, "for me?" (picture the happy ending in "the Grinch that stole Christmas" I said, "yes, I made them for you ..." And all of a sudden, she takes them and turns to the other 2 women and excitedly said, "which is your favorite color? which one do you want?" And everyone was happy.

Well, when Dr Trotter came in, he said, "the culture shows some over-productive glands." I said, "possibly milk glands?" And he said, " that's my guess" but also the results say seborrehic dermatitis. He couldn't understand why nobody else was able to diagnose this. I reminded him that he was seeing something completely different than what the rest saw. He is seeing a hyper-inflamed version and also he has the culture results. Seborrehic dermatitis is easily treated with a drug called ketoconizole.

Sounds good right? WRONG! Ketoconizole has proven to cause harm in baby rats! I know I am not giving birth to a rat, but I am not feeling comfortable with drugs that cause problems in ANY living thing. Okay, thankfully the doctor wasn't comfortable either. He said he would not prescribe the pills, but he did prescribe a topical cream. Then he said, they may have stopped manufacturing the cream, and I can get a 2% version of the drug in a prescription shampoo. I am to use it as a cream. Lovely.

He wants to see me in a week.

When I walked out of the exam room, even though it was an hour and a half later, and I am sure my presence today screwed up every one's schedule, I was greeted with a big smile and they wished me the best, made my appointment for next week and said thank you very much for the pretty pens.

I called Daniel, who was still in his interview. Apparently, it got started late. He called me as I was typing this and filled me in ... they asked a bunch of questions, mostly about trust and teamwork, which has always been a problem between the support office and the outreach department. Daniel has always had a pretty level head as far as not jumping on the "I mistrust leadership" bandwagon, but he does acknowledge when he thinks they are not in the Lord's will at times. I don't know how they view him ... as a threat, or an asset. Then they told Daniel the pay scale, which was, in MY opinion, non-workable, but Daniel said he would do what he has to do and work as many jobs as it takes to keep us afloat. They had a position available at 29K, one at 33k and one at 36k. Daniel is currently at 36k, and to go backwards with adding a baby, well, like I said, in my opinion, it's not worth staying. We can obviously work with the 36K and be content, but I am sure that is the one position ALL the other people want as well. He will be up against his best friends now. I don't know how they will feel about it and if they will just leave the mission. We'll see. They told Daniel to hang tight and just keep working ... business as usual ... and they will let him know sometime in August if he got the job or not, and which of the 3 he got. I don't know how much warning he gets, considering they already had the "you're department has been dissolved" speech. My guess is that they told them all that a couple weeks ago, so that when they are ready to make the change and have got all their stats in order, they can just dump the people they want at a moments notice and not be considered illegal since they were told so long in advance they didn't have a job. So, for now, Daniel gets to go to work every day and we are waiting to see if he has a job by the middle or end of August.

As far as I am concerned, it is still a day to celebrate ... no cancer. THANK YOU JESUS!!!

wide awake at 4AM

I don't know what got me up, Sonora or the nauseous feeling I get from the new medicine. I came downstairs and made myself an English Muffin and am having a glass of apple juice. Sonora seems to like the apple juice. (She doesn't normally do somersaults for an English Muffin.)

why did I feel the need to capitalize the word muffin?

I can't tell if I am running out of hope, or if I am just plain numb. Last night I had this horrible thought that I was surprised even came out of my head. I sat here playing free cell on the computer while Daniel was reading a book. This worship song came on, thankfully I don't remember which one, so I won't associate it with this thought, but all of a sudden, I just said, "Sonora, Mommy's tired. She needs to give up now." And I just felt like letting go of any and all hope of ever getting to the end of this pregnancy. I was like, "Lord, just take us both home now and we'll see Daniel again when he gets to heaven."

I don't want to die, I certainly don't have thoughts of killing myself, but at that moment, and it wasn't a fleeting moment, it was a long, quiet, heavy moment ... I just didn't feel like even attempting to breathe anymore. I am that exhausted. I don't know how to explain it. Every corner has a new challenge, a new trial, a new fear, and a new threat to my baby. It seems as if it is some unending attack on my personal peace with no relief in sight.

I was talking to my friend on the phone (the little hugger's mom) and I said, "from an outside perspective, what do you think of all this?" She said if she wasn't here watching me go through it, she just wouldn't believe it. I asked her if she had just one word to describe it, what would it be? She said: Absurd.

What an excellent choice, I thought. The word I find myself commonly adjoining to all this is ridiculous.

Anyone else have any good words? I would love to hear them. Seriously.

Well, my little pity party last night lasted about 20 minutes. I sat there and was just so overwhelmed. I asked Daniel, "What is this about? What are we supposed to learn here? Is this even about us, or is there someone God is trying to reach who is following our journey? Is there some lesson, some inspiration, some warning that we are unaware of?" I just sat here and began to weep out of pure defeat. Not tantrum crying, not frustrated crying, just like a feeling of resignation to whatever this process is, and the feeling of however God is going to use it and however long He chooses, I am just in it and I acknowledge that it's just going to keep going until it's over, whatever that may mean.

Daniel just looked at me and said, 'I know." And I knew he meant he was resigned also. He is resigned to the fact that he can't even comfort me, that it is only the Lord at this point who can help either of us. He said that everything that is happening is something that is PURELY fixable only by God. We have NO CONTROL at this point. He said since none of the doctors can figure it out, it is obvious that the Lord wants to use this for His glory so that not one person can say, "Oh good ... the doctors fixed it." I believe that everything going on at his work is very clearly something God is doing and whatever happens, it will be clear that God appointed some people the opportunity to reclaim their jobs and God appointed some people to leave. We can't choose which is which, we can only be faithful and diligent and then sit and watch it all go down.

I dried my tears and Daniel went down to the garage to get the clothes out of the dryer. I quietly said, "Don't worry Sonora, mommy's not really giving up. I will do everything I can to get you a safe entry into this world. I won't stop trying, so don't be afraid. I won't leave you, we are in this together, and I will protect you as best I can. I'm sorry if I scared you." I think, in reality, I scared myself. I never thought I would be the kind of person who actually could give up at ANYthing, much less life. I just shook my head and realized even if I gave up, it wouldn't matter if God planned for me to keep going.

Picture the movie the Wizard of Oz ... I am Dorothy, Daniel is the Scarecrow, and all of you, my friends, are the Tinman and Cowardly Lion. Okay, so we go down the yellow brick road, but instead of the witch appearing in between each of the happy songs, it is a high speed chase. All the threats and the smoke signals that say "surrender Dorothy" replace the beloved "if I only had a brain" and "somewhere over the rainbow" medleys There are no naps in Poppy Fields, there is no time to get pressed and curled in the Emerald City Salon ... just constant running from the witch and hurdles to jump and annoying monkeys flying about distracting and wreaking havoc. There is no end to the movie ... no promise of oversized pendant hearts, or badges of courage for anyone ... just a broken movie reel with the last 15 minutes of the movie missing. You are fully invested and yet there is no conclusion, the madness keeps on going. You are sitting in your seat saying, "How does it end?" Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, this is back in 1939 when the movie was made and there aren't VCRs or DVD players. No Blockbuster video stores ... you can't just ask a friend to borrow the movie and find out the end. This is the original version before they made copies to send to theatres. What do you do? Do you walk out of the theatre in a huff? Who do you go to for the answers? Well, luckily, in real life, the producer is my dad. He knows the end of the story, and He owns the entire studio, in fact, He owns the universe. Sometimes I forget I am privileged. Sometimes I sit and take on the emotions of the general audience, and forget that I have special access and that He will not leave me hanging. He will not only reveal the end, He will take me to a nice dinner afterwards. That is what the bible promises, that is what God promised me ... that when it's all over, I get a new home ... a mansion, and a celebration feast to top it off.

Don't worry Sonora ... Mommy's back now. Everything will be okay.

Just hung up the phone with the Doctor ...

Woke up this morning and the solid red band across my chest is now a leopard skin design of pure red and white. It's very spotted. So I am thinking the medicine is doing something. It is on fire again and itching like crazy.

Dr Trotter ... the infectious disease specialist just called me. He said the culture came back complete, and the staph I have is regular everyday staph that everyone carries in their bodies. It has NOTHING to do with the raging infection that I got after surgery. I asked if I should stop taking the clyndamycin, and he said no, keep taking it, he wants to see me first thing in the morning ... actually, 9:30, and Daniel's interview is at 10AM. WOW. Timing is the thing lately, with all the doubling up on big events.

Now we know less than yesterday ... seems to be a theme here. Actually, last night in the middle of the night, Daniel said to me. "Honey, in sickness and in health isn't just a vow to us, now it's our life's motto."

Well, at least I can let people hug me again ... I almost made a little kid cry today when he came running to give me a hug and I said don't come near me and he looked at me like I had 3 heads. He is a hugger and knows I would NEVER turn him away. He just kept coming at me, and I had to raise my voice and so did a lady who was standing next to me ... we both put up our hands and she said, "Do NOT touch her" And I said, "I AM DEAD SERIOUS!" And he had this puzzled look on his face, but at least we got him to stop. I explained that I was very sick and I didn't want him to touch me and catch it and maybe spread it to his sisters. He nodded and we gave each other an "air hug" (arms extended but not touching) it was a great, and also sad moment for me. Great because he didn't give up and made a way to get across the great divide. He didn't settle for a no answer, he came up with a workable compromise (which he is good at) but sad because, well, I just plain could have used a hug from a cool kid today!

I am so frustrated, it's ridiculous. I can sit there and smile and laugh and joke with my friends, but then when I get home and it's quiet and I wonder how the heck it will all turn out, I get so mad, so scared, so sad. I want to be normal again and just live. Not half-way live where I have to avoid hugging people, and quit walking because of my swelling ankles and feet, and mistrust doctors and have surgeries to see what's wrong, but then everyone still scratched their heads anyway.

What is God waiting for? I am not going to turn from Him. I am not going to curse Him, or curse the day I was born. I trust Him, so just let me know what the heck is happening. I will follow Him no matter what. Is it so wrong to want to know what is going on? Maybe if He showed me, I would pass out. Most people are surprised I haven't already just given up and gone crazy by now. Yeah, maybe it's good He is keeping me in the dark. Maybe He is using this saga to reach someone out there who is reading my blog every day instead of doing something bad on the internet ... yeah, that's it, I am like some retarded, rashy internet superhero!

WHATEVER!

Bad news ... not horrible, but pretty bad ...

Lots of redness and heat. I showed Daniel when he got home and he was like, "Call the doctor" and I was like, "why? they already did a biopsy, what good is it gonna do? We just have to wait till Monday and see what it is. I don't need to worry any more right now" Daniel is not one to usually persist, but this time he pushed it and called the infectious disease specialist to see if the surgery could have aggravated what the doc thought was strep. Well, the doc was in Italy. The nurse, however, decided to exercise her power and call the lab for our results ... thank GOD! She got the results from the culture, and it's a staph infection! Not strep! So now, she said get help immediately - go straight to ER. HA! Yeah right ...

We called Dr Petrie's exchange (the surgeon) and he is also on vacation, but he called back immediately. He said that the culture takes 72 hours before we know what kind of staph, but he didn't want to wait that long because it could be dangerous for me and the baby. So I am thinking, "and the last 4 months wasn't?" He said to call back the partner of my infectious disease specialist and he wanted to consult with him That guy was ALSO ON VACATION! But, miraculously, after hearing through the exchange what was going on, he called me. He said the exact same thing Petrie said ... he said he didn't want to wait for the culture to grow, he wanted it treated immediately ... Dr Petrie said I may even have to go to the hospital and get an IV to get the meds in faster so it doesn't turn into a blood infection and do damage to Sonora!

Finally, everyone was on the same page and decided that they would try an antibiotic called Clyndamycin. I guess they think (without having even seen me) that it is an MRSA ... resistant to most medication. The Clyndamycin is very strong. Now I am afraid for the baby. We called the OB and she said it is safe. She is also the one who said, "just let the rash go, it will probably disappear after birth." I am a little skeptical of all the laid back advice. After all, I have now had 3 sessions of antibiotics, 3 trips to the ER and 2 surgeries under my belt. Honestly, how much more can go wrong? I am actually afraid to look it up on the net. I don't even want to know how bad it could be at this point. All I know is I need to get rid of the staph and fast.

Sunday, I am supposed to call the infectious disease specialist and he will have the results of which kind of staph it is and change the meds if necessary. Monday, we will have the concrete results of the pathology (all we got today was results from the culture.)

So there you have it. You know as much as we do.

Please keep praying for Sonora.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No Results Yet

...................................

looks like we'll be on pins and needles until Monday

...................................

Sonora at 24 weeks

Here's a picture taken Tuesday the 10th,

2 days before the surgery.

Sonora is giving the thumbs up sign

with her left hand, palm facing us.

Hopefully, this girl has the gift of

phrophecy and is letting us know

the test results will be fine!

just waiting ...

Just waiting for the results. I am in a fair amount of pain. I can't feel the incision site, but everything around it is on fire. Burning burning burning. I don't even want to take the ice off for the 10 minutes in between the 20 minutes that I am supposed to have it on. Oh man, it's even hard to breathe because I find myself holding my breath alot.

This morning, Sonora woke me up at about 5:00 am - she was practicing some new gymnastics routine. I just sat there and said, "good job little girly, you are doing great! Keep up the good work" and all kinds of motherly encouraging things like that. I wanted to say," Oh my God little girl, give me a freakin' break. Don't you know Mommy is in a lot of pain right now? Can't you feel the fire from the inside?!" Instead, I just rubbed my belly and said, "Good one, Sonora. Good turn. Nice landing ... don't forget to point your toes..." and stuff like that, while Daniel slept for his last couple hours before waking.

I am trying to distract myself. I have had a few phone calls, and I can barely concentrate while I am listening. I am breathing hard, and am glad the people are calling me, instead of the opposite, because I think they would hang up on me before I got the words out because of my hard breathing! HA HA

How does one know if they are addicted to Cinnabon and Orange Julius? Just curious.

Well, I need to get my feet up. It's kinda a bummer how when you have breast surgery, the rest of your body doesn't say, "Awww ... Antoniette is really going through it, hey feet and ankles, let's pull it together for her today and just not swell." Or maybe, "Hey sinuses, let's ease up ... she's got enough to worry about without having to blow her nose every 5 minutes." Or "hey Brain, can you take a break and not think about Daniel's job just for one day, it would really help the rest of us out ..." I think my body parts are showing themselves to be extremely demanding and selfish lately ... like everything and everyone wants my attention all of a sudden and all at once.

okay ... time for some grapes and TV ... I'll show my body what's up!

Relax!

Take that!

I survived!

Well, I made it through. I was awake the entire time, talking to the doctor and Kyle, the 12-year-old Doogie Howser anesthesiologist! He said if I felt anything at all to tell him so he could put me to sleep. Ya right. I felt a few things - not very pleasant, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want him to activate the sedative. Sonora was a trooper ... her heart rate was 144 (normal for her is around 144-148) I made it through the entire thing eyes wide open. Dr Petrie said I did great, and I didn't even need to go to recovery, I went straight to where they admit you, got my clothes, and left. (They did let me keep my undies on - so thanks to those of you who prayed for that!!!) Oh, and they strapped me in very loosely, because they had to tilt the table sideways, but I was able to get my hands in and out and scratch my face if I wanted and stuff. It was AWESOME! Mind you, the local is still in effect ... the surgery lasted from 7 till about 8:20. I will have a crescent moon shaped scar from it right below the nipple. Dr Petrie made the incision in such a way that I will still be able to breastfeed ... thank God he didn't tear up the milk glands. So that is a praise report. Now all we need is for good news with the pathology so all his hard work doesn't go to waste!

On the way home, we stopped at the medical supply place over on Harbor Blvd next to Best Buy to get an ice pack. Well, we got it in like 2 minutes, and spent the next hour trying to get the car started! The car for some reason wouldn't acknowledge the key. So, we had to call triple A and then call my parents to take me home while Daniel waited for Triple A and then I realized we had another key, so my parents took it over there and it worked so Daniel just walked in the door.

Okay, I want to call you all and say thank you personally, but the local is starting to wear off and I need to sit with ice 20 minutes on, 10 minutes off. They said to do this for 4 days straight since I can't have any pain killers. So off to bed I go like a good girl

THANK YOU FOR PRAYING!!!!! It got me through the worst part, which was when they made me say goodbye to Daniel and they wheeled me away, and then the guy left me in the hall alone outside the Operating Room. That was the WORST few moments of the entire thing. I wanted to jump off the gurney and RUN RUN RUN!!! I started to tear up and I thought, "there are people praying for me right now ... I can do this ..." and I sucked it up. When Dr Petrie came around the corner, I was so glad to see him ... a familiar face. And I was fine the rest of the time. So, again, THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

XXOO Ant~* (and Baby Sonora)

They moved the surgery ...

A few minutes ago, Vicky from Dr Petrie's office called and said they are moving the surgery from the outpatient surgery center to the hospital. She said that there will be better monitoring for the baby there.

Okay ... sounds good ...

Also, they want me to be there at 6:30 am instead of 10 am. She said they are moving the surgery to 7am because I shouldn't go that long without food or water since I am pregnant. Again, fine with me. At least I won't be up for hours waiting to go there and getting nervous!

So ... things are changing, and it looks like it's for the better. I just told Daniel and for some reason, he is more worried. He said that he doesn't like how everyone is all concerned now about the baby. He feels like if it is so dangerous, they just shouldn't do it. He wants the doctor to look at me again tomorrow before he starts and change his mind. I understand. I had a fantasy this morning about ditching the whole thing and going to the beach and when they called, answering the phone and saying, "I'm sorry, something more important came up ... can we reschedule? How about sometime in May? Preferably on a Wednesday. What? Oh, you don't do surgeries on Wednesdays? I'm sorry, guess it just wasn't meant to be ..."

Yeah ... you think I am kidding? Then you never heard of the time the dentist wanted to pull a tooth and I got up and ran out without telling anyone when he left the room to go get the tray with the extraction kit. Yes, it's true. I waited till he walked out and I just took off the little cape and bolted out the door without telling anyone. When they called me, I simply said, 'I'm just not in the mood to get a tooth pulled today." And that was that! So don't put anything past me ...

Rules and Regs

Just hung up with a nurse at St Jude who called to give me all the rules and regs for tomorrow. She also asked me a bunch of questions like do I smoke/drink/do recreational drugs ... etc ...

I can't ...

***PHONE RINGS***

Daniel just got the Hospice job he was interviewing for this morning ... THANK GOD! It's only a few hours a week for now, but it will grow. They don't know when or how long it will take to turn into full time. It's in Long Beach and he will be driving anywhere from Long Beach to Laguna Beach visiting families in need of a chaplain. He will be doing bereavement counseling, and services and memorials.

Even if he gets hired back on at the mission, the pay will decrease substantially, so this was necessary. Now all we have to do is get through my surgery tomorrow, and then his other interview on Monday. I am on pins and needles, but this is definitely good news. Thank God!

anyway, I can't eat or drink anything from midnight on. Surgery isn't until 11 am, but I have to be there at 10 am. It was funny, there were questions like "any swelling in the ankles?" and I am like, "yes" and "any weight gain in the last 6 months?" and I am like, "yes" and all kinds of stuff that is pregnancy related that kept throwing her. Anyway, I am trying to stay calm and not think about it all day. I have an art project I am working on, so that will help.

Well, 24 hours from now, I will be in the car on the way there. Keep me in prayer ...

Hey! I made a rhyme!

Pedal Extenders

I have a friend who is disabled. We go to Precepts bible study together every week. I always give her a ride home and we go to lunch. She used to be an usher at my old church and when I first got fibromyalgia, I could barely walk. Daniel and I used to always sit near the front, but I had to begin taking the closest seat near the back because it was all I could do to walk up the steps and get in the building. She would always put a reserve rope on that seat and save it for us every week. She had total compassion for me. Not long after, she got RSD ... a painful disease that robbed her of the use of her hands. She went through many surgeries, and was poked and prodded for years until finally she was pronounced disabled. She has lost the ability to drive, lost her home and had to move back in with her parents. We were a sick version of the disability duo. We try and laugh and keep going, even when in pain. Well, since I have been so sick, I haven't been able to go pick her up for lunch each week like I used to. Finally, last week I called her and we went to grab a bite together. She hasn't seen me since my belly has popped way out and I was telling her how I needed to get some pedal extenders for the Jetta. I am afraid of airbag deployment. Your pregnant belly should be at LEAST 10 - 12 inched from the steering wheel. Well, mine was already touching at 5 months since my legs are so short.

Daniel and I had made an appointment to go get these extenders installed, but when the news about his job came, we had to cancel. I needed them so I would be able to continue driving myself to my appointments. I haven't written about it in any of my blogs, but it was just one more concern I had adding pressure to my already overwhelmed central control system. Well, she texted me with all these questions about my height and stuff and I was like what's with the questions? And she had looked online for pedal extenders for me. She actually ended up at the same website I found and made and appointment with my same guy without even knowing it, and she is treating me to the extenders and getting them installed!!! How miracle is that???

I have to say, it really is a miracle, because I was going to take some of the money we got and buy Daniel a pair of prescription glasses ... he lost his one day when he was bending over adjusting a part on my wheelchair. We were so upset. I kept telling him he needed to replace them to drive and he kept saying no. Well, now, I am so relieved that we get to do both.

I think it is so weird ... when people buy us stuff, it's not so much about the stuff they buy ... yes, the pedal extenders are important and will allow me to drive longer, but it's more about the relief to me. It's like all the practical blessings are buying us some relief. I don't know how better to explain it. I have been begging God for a rest, for some relief. I never in a million years would think that money could give you relief, but somehow, He is using the practical gifts to heal me emotionally. Amazing.

Some answered prayers already!!!

Okay ... so I called Vicky - Dr Petrie's assistant. The little folder they give you with all the pre-op guidelines on it said, "we are here to make you as comfortable as possible." So, I thought, "Really? You are? Let's test that ..." and I called. I said, " I have been having some anxiety thinking about the surgery and I was wondering if we can make requests." She asked what kind, and I said, "I know I have to be perfectly still, but is there any way they can not strap me down and tie me up?" She said, "yes, you can request that, especially since you will be awake. They know that in some people, it's harder to be strapped down, so they can make that adjustment. Just tell the doctor in the morning and he will have the anesthesiologist skip that part."

Then I was like, "what anesthesiologist? I thought I couldn't be sedated." She said, "no, you will not be put under, but they need you totally still, and they will put an IV in you and you will be given a very low dose of (I forgot the name already) to keep you still. You will be totally awake, you will be able to see and hear, but you will be relaxed enough so your body won't twitch and stuff like that."

Obviously next question was if it was safe for the baby, and she answered me before I asked saying it is the only thing that is perfectly safe, and still it will be a very very low dose.

Then, I asked about how soon can I get the results. She said since the surgery should be finished by 11am, that they should be able to get everything to pathology that morning and hopefully get the results the next day. She said if they can't, then she will make sure to call on Monday and get them to me. I told her I just didn't have it in me to wait a whole week again. She said because it is summer, all the teachers are getting surgeries right now and the lab is over booked. I said, I understand, but my brain is overbooked also, and I can't take the wait this time. I explained how Daniel just got laid off and we will also be waiting to see how a job interview went and please, if she could make us a priority and she said no problem. She will make sure to call the lab, even if they don't get the results to her, she will find out for us.

HUGE thanks to you who prayed for these things. God is already answering some things with a YES! Phew ...

3 days left ...

Well, it's getting closer and closer to surgery day. I have been still teetering on the fence of extreme courage, and intense fear.

Here are some things that keep me from total peace, and why:

They will strap my arms in .................. I am claustrophobic

I will start coughing ............................... they will get upset because my chest is moving

They make you strip naked .................. I have become accustomed to wearing underwear around other people ... you think this is funny? Maybe when you are knocked out it doesn't really matter, but when you are wide awake, believe me ... it's a vulnerable feeling!

I won't be able to keep from watching ................ even though I don't WANT to see them carve into my nipple and surrounding area, I think I won't be able to keep myself from watching ... like a car crash on the freeway ... you don't really want to see, but you can't help but look ... I mean, it's right there! They will all be right in my face ... oh man, here comes the claustrophobic feeling again ... I hope he doesn't have bad breath!

I will start crying ............................... again, this doesn't make for a movement-free workspace for them

Even though it's "only" an hour, still ... it's at least a whole, entire H O U R

It will hurt afterwards ........................ yeah, I know ... but I still had to write it down

What if it's cancer? .............................. another one that needs no explanation

And number one fear: They will try and sedate me if they feel I am to wiggly or emotional, which they already said it's not good for the baby ... so I need courage to get through this on my own.

I was talking to a friend on the phone tonight. He asked how I am doing. I was saying how I can be in a good mood and laugh about stuff, because it's not like I can actually change anything that is happening to us. I was telling him how odd it is that all these body parts of mine are pulling these stunts without my consent or permission. I have nipples that are inverting (a warning sign of breast cancer) I have a waistline that is expanding (pregnancy perk) and it is so out of my control. He then said, "it's like you are going through backwards puberty!" Oh my gosh ... that was hysterical! I needed that laugh tonight!
But it's true ... it's like when you are in puberty and you have absolutely no control of anything physical ... it just happens without your consent or permission. Wow. Never thought I'd go down that road again!

Pennies From Heaven ...

"Don't you know each cloud contain pennies from heaven?"

Well, we have been blown away by the heart of God's people. I mean truly blown away. Friday night, we were invited to dinner at some friends' home. These people recently went through a very traumatic time in their family's life, with 2 children losing both parents, and health issues and also having to sell their home or lose it completely. We tried to lend a hand to this family and prayed for them and all they were going through the last 2 years. Well, here we were at their home enjoying a delicious BBQ dinner and afterwards, they handed Daniel a hundred dollar bill and said they wish it could be more! My goodness, I couldn't believe it. They heard of our situation, and their compassion on us was amazing.

Then, the next day (today) I am all sad because of no sleep again, swollen ankles and sore body parts. I was having a little pity party. My best friend came over and I wanted to feel like the old me ... cutting and coloring hair ... and as she was leaving, she writes a check to me for 15o ... I mean, c'mon, I am good, but not THAT good! Again, that she is able to bless us and that God put it on her heart.

It doesn't end there. We were sitting on the couch after taking my blood pressure and the song "how great is our God" came on. So Daniel and I just sat there singing along and I began to cry, realizing that He is, so great, even if not one person helped us out financially. We decided to fix our thermostat, so we went to Lowe's, but before we did, Daniel checked the mail. WOW! A check for 100 dollars was in the mail with a lovely card written by a husband and wife. It tells of how in 1975, the husband lost his job and how the lord used His people to provide for them, and they totally understand what we are going through and are praying for us. Daniel and I both were in tears, totally humbled.

I have to admit ... when you tally it all up, we sure have got alot of cash gifts in the last 2 weeks. I all of a sudden looked at Daniel and said, "Oh my God ... does this mean that you are really going to be out of a job for a long time and this is the Lord preparing us?" Seriously, I got a sick feeling in my stomach and thought that this was money that God knew we would need.

Even if Daniel gets the job at the mission, it won't pay the same. I think that this cushion, this soft place to fall that people have provided us with, is truly something we need to be good stewards of in case the worse happens.

We can't even say "thank you" enough to everyone who has been involved in this journey we are on. So many people have come along side us and supported us in prayer and also with funds to help us pay for all the medical costs that have been accumulating. It is truly awe inspiring!!!

Anyway, I always write about all that happens, and I want to be sure to write about when God touched us through people like you. He has blessed us with friends who truly long to be a part of His plan to help and heal.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for all you have done to try and make us comfortable and feel secure during this frightening time!!

Sonora at 23 weeks!!!

What a fun day!!! Daniel and I got to see Sonora again via ultrasound at the college.

She was in rare form today, let me tell you!!!!

This girl, this amazing acrobat, decided to moon everyone in the class. Not only did she give them a show, she decided to put her head between her legs, and grab her thighs with both hands ... not her lap ... but the underpart of her thighs where she would sit! She looked like she was about to perform a back tuck! She then proceeded to take her right leg with her right hand and pull it over her head, back past her right ear! OH MY LORD! We were all laughing so hard. It looked like she got herself tangled up in a big knot! I was afraid she wouldn't be able to get out of it! But, of course, being my daughter and having the cheerleading blood in her, she pulled out of it just fine. I swear, we were in stitiches. We needed that good laugh!

Later in the day, I got to see my sister and her kids. She told my niece and nephew I was having a baby, so I got to share the ultrasound with them. Afterwards, my little nephew, who will be 7 this week, comes up to my belly and pats it, leans in and says, "Hi Sonora!" And then his little sister followed suit. It was so cool that on their own, they just wanted to introduce themselves to their new baby cousin. It was a great day, indeed!!!

Today, Daniel had an early softball game and Sonora and I went to cheer Daddy on. Later, we are going to our friends' home in Irvine to celebrate the 4th. We've been spending our 4th's there for the last few years. Fun people good food, great times.

We hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July!

Accentuate the Positive

Well, on the upside of swollen ankles ...

I now get to have a temporary disabled person's parking permit. I think that will do me good when I am in parking structures!

My doctor called me tonight and we were talking about the infectious disease specialist's diagnosis vs the surgeon's diagnosis, and he thinks the surgeon is right. He said that the Septra I took should have wiped out strep if I had it. So now, looks like we'll be relying on the results of the biopsy on the 12th.

Daniel is at the Dodger game with our friend BJ right now. Many of you know BJ as my favorite server at the German Deli. I have watched BJ grow up over the years and now he is a teacher and just got his first class. He's been praying for us and sends me encouraging e-mails. He asked if there was anything he could do for me, and I said, "you could sit with Daniel at a Dodger game." I figure that when he is at work, Daniel worries about the job situation, and when he is at home, he is busy waiting hand and foot on me and worrying about me and Sonora. So, I thought he could use a break from it all. Well, BJ went and bought the tickets and blessed us, so Daniel and him are somewhere probably in the middle of the 5th or 6th inning right now, eating a Dodger Dog. Meanwhile, my friend, Patricia took me to Friday's for dinner and came over hand hung out with me for awhile. After she left, the phone rang and it was friends from church inviting us over for a BBQ on Friday. I am telling you, you would think all this attention and all these invitations would make us feel popular. In reality, they are a relief. A distraction. A welcome blessing.

I don't feel like we are so busy and full of plans, I feel like the Lord is leading these people, these friends to us to bless us and nurture us through this awful territory we are trying to navigate. I feel like I want to just laugh and enjoy myself, and when I am with everyone, I do. I tell jokes, and ask about them and how they are doing, but inside I am just thinking, "Keep talking. Stay focused on them. Keep interested in what they are saying. You care about these people ... show it." I force myself to not let my mind wander or dwell on myself. I lose patience so quickly now. I don't care about people's goings on and daily happenings. I care about them, but not what they do, and certainly not about what their friends are doing. But, I sit and listen, because if I wasn't facing these problems, I would be full of interest, and patience, and advice and concern. I would care more. So, I try and act like I do. Act as if, become as if. I think someday, I may be the one who is rambling on and on about what Sonora did that day and my friends who are so past kids already will be like, "who cares?" on the inside, while they smile at me and feign interest on the outside.

I know everyone thinks stuff like this, but everyone doesn't admit it. I trust that you all know me enough to know that I really do care. I am just overwhelmed and don't have a lot to give right now. I don't want to worry about offending anyone right now. I want the freedom to fall on my butt and sit there and cry like a baby if I need to. I don't want to suck it up anymore, or hold it in so I look stronger than I am. I want to just be able to crumble without anyone telling me to suck it up one more time. I feel like saying, "oh yeah? wanna trade places for a day?"

I also want to be this amazing witness in my time of weakness and emotional anguish. I want to be the strong tower so everyone will be encouraged thinking, "If she can go through all that and still praise God with a smile, then so can I."

I go back and forth from courage to fear. It comes as quickly as it goes, and then comes back again.

Well, I am so tired ... woke up too early and went to sleep too late ...

that means anxiety attacks galore!

Tomorrow I get to see Sonora on Ultrasound again ... can't wait!

Anybody want to guess what happens next???

I just got a call from Daniel.

He said his interview is scheduled the same day as my surgery.

How do I even deal with this?

Everything is happening at once.

I mean, seriously ... on the same day,

we go in to be inspected to see

if he gets a job and if I have cancer.

Can't wait to see the results of both.

Wonder what day that will be.

Sonora at 22 weeks!

This picture of Sonora was taken on Tuesday, in between my 2 "results" appointments. She was a joy to watch. My mom and dad came in to see her and Daniel made it just in time as well. She was grabbing and playing with her umbilical cord, and also grabbing her feet ... this girl is quite active for the limited amount of space she has!

I love her sooooo much. I can't even express in words how much this little being means to me ... and also her daddy. He is constantly talking to her and telling her how much we love her and how we will make her life so special. We sing to her and when there is a loud noise, we tell her what it is and not to be afraid. When I am crying, Daniel says things like, "Don't worry about your mommy, Sonora, I am taking good care of her, and she is taking good care of you. Sometimes life will bring you sad times, but we will get through them because we have Jesus. We may not always have the answers, but we will have each other while we look for the answers. We will always make sure that no matter what, you know you are loved."

I now can tell the difference between Sonora's kicks and punches and also when she gets the hiccups! She is 1 pound, 5 ounces and about 11 inches long.

I have alot of swelling in my feet. I am supposed to take my blood pressure every day and I have a magic number that it is supposed to stay under. They are keeping an eye on me for pre-eclampsia, or toxemia. So far, pulse is high ... staying in the high 90's. Last check up it was 114!

The surgeon's office called me on Thursday, but I didn't get the message till late, so I called back on Friday. They said that they are scheduling me for July 12th - that's only 2 weeks. I guess we're not waiting to see if it clears up. I am really nervous ... full of racing thoughts every time I wake up at night to go to the bathroom ... which is about 3-4 times a night. It takes me forever to fall back asleep because I don't know how to stop thinking about everything. Lucky for Daniel, he gets the slightest bit horizontal and he is out for the night.

Well, I was supposed to have my baby shower on July 14th, but now it is cancelled and we don't know how to plan since we don't know the outcome of the surgery on the 12th. I am praying for peace and relief from all of this chaos. I had an OB appointment on Thursday (1 appointment a day with some health professional from Mon - Thursday!) and I asked if me being stressed out would harm Sonora. The doc said, "no ... she is fine ... think about all the babies born during World War II ... those people were under serious stress, and they all put out healthy babies who were fine."

I am trying to comfort myself. The Lord is so amazing, He is providing us with so much support from all of you! Daniel went to get the mail the other day and there was a check from his friend ... he was angry at first, he said he couldn't believe our lives have "come to this" where people are sending us money ... but then he was so humbled, because we were able to pay for one of the 3 ER visits with that check. I am so thankful. We used to be the people who would do stuff like that for others in need. It is soooo different being on the other side. It really does feel better to give than to receive, but when you are forced to be in a position to receive, you gain a completely different perspective and compassion.

I had 2 friends call and take me to lunch on Friday. One is a cancer survivor, herself, and a window and mother of 1 grown child. The other is a mother of 3 whose husband was also let go from his job recently. I have always looked up to these women and admired their walk with the Lord, I was so blessed to just share a lunch and see where they have been and where they are now and watch their attitude. I know they aren't perfect, but their example to me of not grumbling and complaining is inspiring.

I apologize if I sound like all I do is complain lately. I think I feel like if I talk stuff out, I can release some of my stress. I don't mean to complain when I say all that is going on, I really am just in an information spilling mode ... I think I will look back at these recent blogs and check my attitude, because I really don't want to be this drag in every one's life. When people ask how I am doing, I assume they really want to know, so I spill it all. Maybe I should start editing a little. I am just not the kind of person who can smile and lie and say I am doing great when I am falling apart.

Blah Blah Blah ... see? There I go again ... well I am going to go and watch the rest of Grease. That always puts me in a good mood!