Christmas Eve

Here it is, Christmas Eve, and I am still in somewhat of a state of disbelief! I have a beautiful daughter and she is so healthy and happy! If you would have told me last Christmas that I would have gotten pregnant and had a baby girl by the very next year, I would have never believed you! I can already fit ponytails in her hair! And this is what she looks like when she wakes up ... (please forget that you also just saw what I look like when I wake up!)

She fell asleep during Christmas Eve service ...

... but woke up in time for presents at Grandma and Grandpa's!

Now she is sound asleep as I type and wish you a Merry Christmas! We love you all and hope you have a love & joy-filled day!

A Jolly, Happy Soul!

3AM

It's 3AM as I begin to write this. I was cold and got up to turn on the heater, and then decided to do some laundry since I have 2 free hands and one thing led to another and next thing you know, I am uploading photos from my camera onto the computer as Daniel and Sonora lay snug in their bed/bassinet.

I have been so busy trying to catch up with Christmas. SO much is going on, and yet, I feel like I am in the time warp. One thing that reminded me I am still moving forward with the rest of the world is when I went to snap a onesie on my baby girl and it didn't fit. First thing I thought was, "wow ... is the dryer shrinking her clothes?" And then Daniel pointed out the harsh reality that Sonora is GROWING! A couple weeks ago, we measured her and she has already grown 4 inches! Right now as I type, it is December 16th ... she is 2 months old today! I can't even believe it! She is smiling and cooing and such an absolute doll! She brings joy to everyone who gets to hold her ;-)

She barely ever cries ... only recently has she discovered that she has the ability to scream when she is hungry. She goes from content to crazy in less than 30 seconds now. I think it's funny, but other people may not want to be around us when she gets steamed up and ready to blow. I actually had a camera near me the first time she frowned:

We have been pretty busy going to concerts, and parties and dinners and all kinds of fun holiday events. Tonight, we went to Naples to visit the Madrigals and walked around the canals and ran into Santa and (a very hot-looking) Mrs Claus. Sonora slept through it in her toasty outfit ... here's the picture we took:

Anyway, I am so tired ... I am going back to bed. I just wanted to say hi to everyone and share some recent pictures of our little miracle baby!

Love to you all, and have a blessed Christmas!

Antoniette~*

We Thank Thee ...

We celebrated our First thanksgiving as a new family. First, we woke up and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade as we got ready to go to my birthmother's home. Sonora got to meet 2 of her cousins, Riley and Silas. She already met the other 2, Kelton and Claire. We played BINGO together and had a blast trying to get all the cousins to look at the same camera while 4 cameras were going off at the same time! The kids all love Sonora and I can't wait to watch her interact with them when she is a little older.
After Bridget's, we went to my mom and dad's and had our traditional feast. Sonora sat at the table with us and got to smell all the yummy food while she slept ...
After that, we headed over to the Madrigal's new home in Naples and spent time playing Sequence with Garrett, Lori and Mallory while Sonora got passed from person to person to be cuddled while she slept like an angel. We jokingly called Daniel Hawk-eye because he would hover over everyone as they held Sonora!

We came home and talked about how we just can't beleive all that has happened since last Thanksgiving! Our friends, Rob and Marie came over today and last Thanksgiving, the 4 of us were all in the process of adopting. None of us we anywhere close to getting a child and we were all frustrated with the system and wondering if it would EVER happen. Well, here we are today with our children, their gorgeous son is just under a year old, and Sonora is 5 weeks. We can't even believe it is real. We have so much to be thankful for!

I am thankful for:

Our healthy daughter

My ankles coming back

Being able to eat sugar again!

Daniel having a job

Both our cars work well and we have no car payments

Sonora has enough clothes to last for at least a year

We have food in the fridge

Hand-made blankets ;-)

We have a Christmas tree to look at and make us smile

Our health insurance (Sonora's birth cost over 15K!)

Friends like YOU who read the blog and pray for us!

AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!!!!!!!!

I can't help but think of the Tyree family who is spending their first holiday season without their dad/husband. I can't even imagine how that would feel. Especially with 4 kids to keep living for and trying to give them hope in life when all you feel is lonely because you miss your spouse. Please lift them up in prayers, as this must be such a sad time, even though they know the joy of Christ. I know they have alot to be thankful for, but it probably isn't as easy to come up with a list when you are grieving.

I stand amazed ...

I thought I had an idea, an inkling of how it would be. I stand humbled, and amazed.

First off, I can't believe how many people read this blog and have asked me to update it ... I know that it is a testimony of God's grace and love towards us when you read about how He has delivered me and my baby from so many medical disasters. I guess I would be reading it also if it weren't happening to me! So, here I am updating it for you all. Let's just start by welcoming back a couple that has meant so much to me over the years. they have provided great support and throughout the pregnancy have been under quite a bit of pressure. They have suffered greatly as they tried to keep me going and were the cause of much tension at night when I couldn't sleep. Please, everyone, let's welcome back MY ANKLES!!!!! (They're baaAAck!)

And for those of you wondering, yes ... that is a cyber pedicure I gave myself ...

Now, let's talk about Sonora ... what can I say? Everywhere I go, people stop me and comment on how beautiful she is ... not just women, but men also. I was at the post office at the end of the line, and a clerk who was helping someone else stopped what she was doing and commented on Sonora. Then the whole line turned around to look as see who she was talking about, and then everyone was like, "wow ... she really IS a gorgeous baby ..." I have to say, part of me still wonders if she is a mutant-monkey-looking girl, and people are just being polite ... am I brainwashed by love when I see her as the most beautiful baby in the world? Daniel and I promised each other that we would not be that couple who has an ugly baby and thinks it's so cute. We said we would acknowledge to each other if she was (how does one put this?) "not a handsome child" ... well, when she popped out, we were instantly in love with her and saw her as perfect ... and began wondering ... is she actually this gorgeous, or have we become THAT couple ... the couple that doesn't notice the pug nose and the droopy eye? Is she really homely and we just don't see it? When the nurses began telling us how amazing she was, my instant reply was, "thanks, but you don't have to say that." And they would look at me like I was nuts. I just didn't want to have people lie to my face about my baby. Well, it started to get ridiculous when I would be at the pediatrician's office or babie's r us, and then the nurse or checkout girl would go and get other people and say, "You gotta see this baby ... she is so cute." Then I was like, "would people really go to all this trouble to make up a false compliment?" It's weird. I don't even feel a sense of pride about it ... like, I don't care what she looks like, as long as she is a kind, loving, honest, loyal, trustworthy, respectable woman full of integrity. I know I had nothing to do with her looks. I often wonder if it's the mere fact that she is a miracle that makes her so amazing to look at ... can people see a miracle and mistake it for beauty? I think that's what happening.I know this precious little miracle will break my heart one day. She will look at me and scream "I hate you!" when she doesn't get her way. She is a sinner, like you and me, and will require a big dose of God's grace ( like the rest of us) to be able to make it in this world. I want to make sure I am prepared for the future and when she isn't the precious little angel that I hold in my arms every night. I want to love her in spite of her tantrums, and shortcomings. I want to look at her and know that no matter what she does, I will still stand by her side and help guide her to becoming a woman of God who fears and loves Him above all things and people. Some of you may have seen me do this, some of you may think I am crazy ... but every time a group of people oogle over her and go on and on about how gorgeous she is, I whisper in her ear, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." That is the message I want her to latch on to and believe. Daniel jokingly tells her how the amazing beauty she possesses has a certain amount of responsibility. Seriously, it's ridiculous ...

Still Healing ...

Well, today is the 3rd of the month ... the day that I took all my pregnancy pictures. I still find it hard to believe she is out and here with us. We just took the picture with me holding her ... what a trip.

I am still healing. On Tuesday, I went to her first appointment and my post op appointment. She is doing great. I am not so great. I have an infection from the surgery ... which is par for the course, I would say. But at least I made it through with no complications!

I am navigating the stairs, and was told by my doctor that I could go up and down no problem ... well, when
I went for my appointment, they said that I am bleeding too much and that is my body's way to tell me to slow down. Then why did they book 2 appointments in one day at 2 different locations?

Laundry: WOW. The volume is well ... WOW.

Sleep: what's that?

Did I mention they missed on the epidural and I was lucky enough to have 4 tries? Yep - so my back, well ... just add that to my list of exisiting pain ...

Worth it?

Oh yeah!

So much ...

There is so much I want to say. There are so many things I don't want to ever forget, and yet I am so exhausted, I know I have probably already forgotten so many things. I want to always remember her little breaths and the way she sighs when she breathes. I want to always remember the way she feels when she helplessly trusts me to pick her up, to change her to feed her. I am her everything right now, and she just completely yields to me so I can serve her.

Is that what it's like to be Jesus? To love someone so much, you just serve them, and wish they would just yield so you could bless them even more?

I love the way she wraps her tiny fingers around my index finder as I feed her. I love the way she looks at me, as if still trying to figure me out.

I wonder what her earliest memory is from inside the womb, and how it feels to recognize voices.

I want to always remember the way she looks like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch when she is impatient and wants to eat right at that moment. I want to remember how she looks drunk right as she is finishing eating and just about ready to fall asleep in my arms.

I never want to forget the way Daniel looks at us, the way he took care of us these first 2 weeks. He never left us, he spent every night in the hospital with us. We went on little parades around the maternity wing when I needed to walk. He put Sonora in the bassinet and rolled her down the halls next to me and the 3 of us would do laps so I would heal faster. We put a bow in her hair every time and told her we were going on an outing. We have never been separated from Sonora since she was born. I wish he didn't ever have to go back to work.

There is so much I want to tell her, so many memories already fading away ... so quickly ... I want to get started on her scrapbooks and keep writing in her journal ... I don't ever want to lose these precious early days with her.

Me and my shadow ...

How I love this girl! my first picture when my parents brought me home ...

Sonora's first picture when we brought her home ...

And on the sixth day ...

She sprouted wings!

Meals and Visits

Many of you have offered to bring a meal to us and we are so thankful! We were asked to direct everyone to Rhonda Vaughn as she will be organizing the calender. If you don't have the number, please call us and Daniel will give it to you.

As for visits, please call before coming. I haven't even slept one wink since coming home from the hospital last night ... and probably only about 6 to 7 hours total since the surgery. Daniel isn't far behind me. Sonora, on the other hand sleeps like a princess in her palace.

Thank you for the flowers, e-mails, phone calls and love & prayers that have made our journey the miracle that it is. We love you all!!!

XXOO
Daniel, Antoniette and Sonora

"Official Announcement"

This entry courtesy of pain meds ... details ASAP

Here we go ...5 minutes later ...

proud daddy

Sonora's first kiss

first hand-holding (with dad, as it should be ...)

mommy's first touch

tiring day already

she is so expressive!

HOME ... B&W pic in crib of me when I came home ...

Almost time to leave for the hospital ...

Saying Goodbye to the Belly

Well, we already had our morning cry as we were saying goodbye to the belly ... we prayed together and prayed over her and for the surgery, etc ...

I am hungry ... but the adrenaline is pretty much taking care of that.

I took a video of myself and showed her what I look like this morning, and showed her her room and where she will be sleeping when she comes home. I want her to know she was totally wanted and hoped for and that we prepared forever for her arrival.

My closest friends have been calling all yesterday and this morning encouraging me and asking for prayer. I have other friends posting myspace bulletins asking for prayer for us. The support is amazing.

I am crying alot ... happy tears, scared tears, saying goodbye tears, getting ready to say hello tears.

It's 9:00 right now as I type ... 3 and a half hours and she will be here. It's weird knowing.

Last night in bed, she was kicking away as we were talking to her and telling her how it will all go down, and I said, "well, Sonora, tonight is the last night I will ever feel you kick" and I just burst into tears. At least I get to say goodbye and relish these last moments of the pregnancy. It is very odd knowing, but it's comforting to be able to really capture the last few times of it all. Daniel was helping me get dressed and we have our little rituals of ways he has been helping me. It feels good to know I will no longer be a burden in some areas and I can go back to blessing him instead of leaning on him for everything.

Sonora has no idea she will be out. She is just in there wondering why the adrenaline rushes ... why the crying mommy?

How does one prepare for the biggest day in your life? How do 2 people cope together and somehow get each other through? I know it is only by the grace of God that Daniel and I are so united and so together in our thinking, and coping, and encouraging and hoping. We are a team that I believe God has equipped for this day, and for this particular girl and her unique needs. I honestly don't know how people can do this without knowing Christ. It must be a madhouse at their homes in the mornings.

Well, I need to get going and get the cord blood kit ready to pass to the nurses. I will be leaving very shortly for the hospital. Please pray for us ... next time I write in here, I will be a new mommy.

About 12 hours away ...

Words can not describe how I feel right now. Daniel and I will just look at each other and burst into smiles and laughter.

I already had a crying session about an hour ago when I realized this is the last night I will feel her kick inside of me. I will miss her. I will miss being her safe place where there is no hunger and no cold and nobody can get to her to hurt her.

I am in such anticipation of her arrival.

I am sad that I will not be the first to hold her, but excited that it will be Daniel. I know she will recognize him immediately, and I wish I could capture the moment (they will not let us video anything)

I am hoping that my anemia and diabetes will not adversely affect the outcome of the surgery. My blood is as thin as water right now, so I am a little apprehensive. I don't want a blood transfusion.

I can't wait to wrap her in her blankets from home ... I have been sleeping with them so they will have my scent on them so she will feel safe and secure.

I know it's silly, but I can't wait to brush her hair.

I can't wait till everyone gets to hold her in their arms and praise God for the miracle that she is. I know when people hold her, they will acknowledge what a miracle she is, because they (you) all have been praying for her. I feel like I owe you all a small piece of her in a weird way because your prayers have taken us this far!

I want to listen to her voice. I can't wait to hear what she will sound like.

I want to see her little chest move up and down when she breathes.

I can't wait to feel her grasp my finger.

I hope I don't squeeze her too hard or kiss her face off ... I don't know if I will be able to contain myself!!!

I am afraid of not sleeping.

I am afraid of post partum depression ... I pray against it hoping the Lord will spare me from more hormonal creepy stuff.

I am hopeful that I will have a smooth recovery ... I want to bundle her up and take her on walks ... I want to go everywhere with her, and also just stay home and cuddle with her and Daniel.

What will it be like? To hug him close again without that belly in the way? I can't wait for that either!

Sleeping on my stomach ... YAY!

Oh my gosh ... so many things to look forward to!

So many things that I wonder about ... how do you use a breast pump? How will I know the difference between the I am hungry cry and the I am hurting cry?

So many questions that will only be answered over time.

Will I get pregnant again? I don't really want to, to be honest ... I feel like this almost killed me. I am looking forward to adopting our next baby.

Will Sonora love Jesus??? I HOPE and PRAY she will.

Please God, help me to be the best mom she could ever have. Help me to love her the way YOU would ... not the way I would.

I am seriously unable to even comprehend all of this. I wonder if it would be different if I didn't know the day and the hour ... would I just be going to bed like normal tonight???

How hungry will I be in the morning? I have 4 minutes left to eat something, and then no food or drink until about 2pm tomorrow ... yikes!

I wish I had a sugar raised donut ...

I have to go to bed and get my feet up. I can't sleep ... but I NEED to ... because from what I heard, I won't sleep for the next few weeks.

Okay ... enough rambling ... please pray for us at noon and on ...

see you on the flip side of parenthood!

Love,
Antoniette

Sonora is 38 weeks!!! 2 more days to go!

OH my gosh, I can hardly believe it. Daniel and I sat up almost all last night talking about it and talking to her and telling her all about how great it will be when she comes out. He gave her her eviction notice and told her to pack her fingers and toes and move out on the 16!

We are beside ourselves with excitement. We can't even think of anything else. We just sit here and randomly burst out laughing from being so excited!

Okay ... one thing we though about is that somewhere out there is the birthmother of our other child. We were talking about how different her birthing experience will be. She will go through all the physical and emotional stuff and not even get to take home the prize. I can't even imagine.

Right now, Daniel is vacuuming the baseboards in our bedroom and in Sonora's room. We thouroughly cleaned the upstairs. I was very excited to pack up all the diabetes stuff ... all the needles, insulin pens, lancets, alcohol wipes, logbooks, etc. ... etc. It was taking up counter space in the bathroom and now I will need that space for baby stuff for when I am recovering from the c-section. It will have baby wipes and other little necessities for our daughter. I CAN'T even believe it is finally here!

The camera batteries are charged, the phone charger is put in the hospital bag, Sonora has going home outfits in 3 different sizes in her diaper bag since we don't really know what will fit her. The carseat is secure, the announcements are ready to go and all that needs to be done is upload her picture and type in the details! She already has a Christmas stocking with her name on it waiting here for her!

She seems to know there is something going on ... she is CONSTANTLY moving and squirming about, day and night. She is always responding to Daniel's voice, now more than ever. I have one appointment left tomorrow, and then Tuesday is the big day ... seriously, I am in awe that the Lord allowed us to get this far, and that we are doing well after all the chaos and medical drama we endured.

Well, I will see you all on the other side of parenthood ... just a day and a half to go!!!

4 more days!!!!

Well, here we are, only 4 more days left to go, in about 15 minutes, it will be 3 days!

Tomorrow, Daniel is performing a wedding for our friends and my job is to sit with my legs crossed and hope Sonora stays put until after 3pm ... then whatever she wants to do is fine with me!

I had 3 doctor's appointments today and one phone appointment. We did the pre-op and registration where they told me if I eat anything after midnight the night before, I could die during surgery. I kid you not, they told me this!

Anyway, Sonora is defying all the odds ... she hung in there with me through thick and thicker, she survived mumps, bleeding, 2 breast surgeries. panic attacks, gestational diabetes and lots of other stuff that I am probably forgetting. I love her and her little spirit! I can't even wait to hold her ... I am getting really really excited now!

I need to go to bed and get my feet up ... I will write in here again, and soon, we will all see the little miracle that we all have been praying for ...

THANK YOU for everything ... all the prayers, meals, support ... all of it ... that has got us this far. I can't even believe it's almost here!!!!

I'll wonder if I will forget these things ...

I used to love a plush, soft, sinking sofa. I used to really enjoy sitting and having the feeling of becoming one with the couch, the way your head just falls back into the pillow and how you are enveloped in the cushions.

Now ... not so much.

I view them as a death trap. If I even come remotely close to a soft couch, I would rather stand on my swelling feet than find myself stranded like a turtle on it's back. There is NO WAY on God's green earth that I have figured out how to get up, or even roll to get out of a soft, sinky couch. It's a curse on women who are more than 8 months pregnant that Eve certainly didn't figure in to the whole fruit tasting equation.

Today I was putting tiny little bottle parts into the dishwasher to rinse and sanitize, and I accidently turned sideways into the corner of my kitchen counter and just about impaled myself in the belly button. What the heck was that all about? I thought I sucked in enough air in the room when I gasped to create a significantly tight enough vacuum seal to impress any Zip-Lock bag employee.

I snuck 2 m&m's ... a red one and a white one, and felt incredibly guilty ... and then just as I was closing the lid to the container, I dropped one ... the white one. Now, when things hit the floor, they stay there till Daniel gets home. Anyone who knows me knows this is otherwise an atrocity that is completely intolerable, but I can't bend down to pick up anything off the floor anymore.

My belly button decided to take a turn ... it has now fallen below the equator line and is facing south a little ...

There is a small bump below my "horizon line" of vision that I rarely (if ever) see because I don't spend alot of time in front of the full length mirror. That bump is otherwise known as Sonora's shoulder. Wow ... amazing.

I don't have that black line up and down my belly that alot of women have, but I have a row of small bruises now where all my shots are entering my skin just above my undies line across both sides of the belly. Lovely.

Sonora loves the theme music to Little House on the Prairie. She couldn't care less about Dancing with the Stars music.

Daniel refers to my tennis shoes at feet corsets. I am not kidding.

We have several nicknames already for Sonora. Most common are Sonora Borealis, little kicker, noogie nugget, baby love, lil one and whatever else comes out of our mouths in that sing-songy talk to a baby voice ... but neither of us talk baby talk to her ... we hate that.

Will I remember all the kick counting I have done? All the blood testing and recording of numbers before and after each meal?

Will I remember how I can't bend my legs because they are swollen behind the knees?

Will I remember how Daniel put on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air marathon hoping that it would fake me out as to what time I was waking up when I would have problems sleeping? I swear, it was the only thing I could fall asleep to ... I would wake up and see it was on and think, "oh, it's still on ..." and then I would sing along with the theme song every time a new episode began and eventually fall asleep. Daniel would periodically wake up to either me snoring (purring) or to me singing, "I pulled up to the house around 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabby, "yo Holmes, smell ya late-ah" Seriously ... this was a nightly occurance for a few weeks!

Will I remember what it feels like to have her kick against Daniel's or my hand?

Will I take for granted being able to get in and out of the easily shower again?

Will I remember what life was like before I was a mommy? Will I look at scrapbooks and say, "what was it like before she came? I don't even remember!"

I am ending my life as a childless woman, as part of a couple with no responsibilities to anyone except each other, and we are self-maintaining. I am in awe of what is about to happen!

Oh man, she is bearing down on me right now and I HAVE to get up and move ... and remember to breathe ... oh man ... this hurts ... I will write more later ...

A message from Daddy ... (Sonora is 37 weeks!)

Hi Everyone, Daniel here ...

Though the changes have been a little more subtle than Antoniette's, I think you'll see the preparing that my body has done over the last 9 months to become a dad! Like most dads, I specialize in being goofy and having fun, but recently, the excitement has overwhelmed me as I start thinking about our baby. Only 9 more days to go.

Many people have told me I'll be a great dad ... people that I trust, like many of you. Like most men, I don't enjoy asking for directions ... I like reading instructions even less. So, please, in the days to come, I humbly ask you to give me your best fatherly advice! I think I'm ahead of the game since I'm actually asking before I get lost. Darn ... there goes that humility thing ...

When I think about being a dad in today's society, especially a dad of a little girl, it's scary. My desire to protect her is affected by my desire to see her take risks, to be challenged and to succeed, and I don't want to hamper her growth.

This little girl has already reached out of the womb and grabbed a hold of my heart. Every time I talk to her, she jumps and moves inside of Antoniette. Many of those times have brought me to tears.Today I was in a restaurant with my in-laws and my wife and saw a family of 4. The little boy was constantly interacting with his mom and the little girl was constantly interacting with her dad. It made me think that I need to protect and nurture my relationship with my wife so our daughter will interact with BOTH of us.

I have a hopeful excitement with just a touch of dread when I think about the actual c-section and the aftermath (recovery). I will be so excited to see our baby, and also have the prayerful concern for my wife that I should have. I can't wait to actually hold my baby next to my wife, I can only imagine it like a dream.

As Sonora grows up, I look forward to getting to know her, her personality, favorites (colors, teddy bears and all that stuff ...) As she gets older, what's she gonna love? Books? Foods? Some other boy? That's scary. In my presumptuous thinking, I will get to see all those things ... but that's what it's like when you have dreams. I'm tearfully blown away that I get to be some body's dad. I love my little Sonora. And I just have to take some time right here to say thank you to Antoniette for enduring all the hardships of this pregnancy and helping me get to this dream come true.

It has meant so much to me to be a part of fellowship ... at our church, with our family and our friends. Thank you all, for all of your prayers.

Love,

Daniel ... Daddy to be

Who wants to know???

We were told to make a phone tree so that we can tell one person and they can tell 2 people all the details and stuff, etc ... when Sonora is born . We aren't going to text everyone because we don't have free texting on the phone and last time I was sick, when we texted people asking for prayers, it was awesome but we got so many texts back that our bill was 175 over the normal amount! We figure we probably shouldn't do that again.

If any of you would like to be a contact person that we could tell and send a picture to via cell phone to your e-mail, I can send you a list of people to forward Sonora's birth-day details to so you can see the little miracle you all have been praying for! If you go to church with us and are willing to call a few people and let them know she made it safely, etc ... then please let me know so that Daniel doesn't have to do it that night, and we don't have a million phone calls while I am recovering from surgery.

I am getting so excited, I can't even believe ... only 10 more days!

Nine Months (click to enlarge photos)

a little to the left ...

Oh my gosh ... what is with the itching? It seems like wherever clothes touch my body, I itch. Wherever nothing touches my body, I itch. Where there were clothes and I take them off (brastrap, socks, elastic waist from pants ...) it begins itching about 3 minutes after the clothes come off. I was in bed last night and I told Daniel, "Something is biting me!" And it felt like sharp miniature teeth were digging into me and he looked and I swore up one side and down the other there was some sort of spider, or bug biting me, how dare he not see it! I kept trying to tell him to look on the bed, look on my back ... what the heck was it? It ended up being the fluid going back into the indentation my brastrap left from me being swollen all over. The tops of my feet itch when I take my shoes off ... you name it. I will not miss the itching ... at all!

I will miss the little kicks I get from Sonora (who must know I am writing about her because she is kicking right now ...) I will miss it so much ... feeling her every move. That is the ONLY thing I will miss about being pregnant. I am so not good at being pregnant. I am not the pretty, glowing, calm, serene pregnant momma ... I am a raging, itching, pain-filled bundle of nerves that are exposed and raw from all the illnesses I have dealt with. I am so excited that she is almost out and I can get to being her mom, not just a carrier. I can't wait to be able to look her in the eyes and someday, hopefully soon, she will recognize me and I will see it. I can't wait until I get to watch Daniel be a dad to her, and watch them interact without my belly skin in between them. It will be awesome. I can't wait to stop pricking myself 8 times a day and giving myself 4 shots a day. That will not be something I reminisce about at all.

It is so weird, to be in the middle of one of my life's biggest blessings and be so annoyed at things like shots and itching. I feel so unappreciative ... I mean, I am very thankful to God for Sonora, but I don't get why it had to be so difficult. Whatever ... only 1 week and a couple more days and BAM! I get a little baby girl ... seriously, I am still blown away by the entire thing.

Calling all friends ...

Well, I am to the point of being unable to drive safely. Many of you have asked if I need anything to just "let you know" so here I am ... letting you know.

I have a minimum of 5 appointments per week. Some last about 20 minutes, some are 2 in one day back to back and some are at least an hour each, like when we do fetal monitoring. If anyone is able to give me a ride to and from any of my appointments, please call and I will give you my schedule and you can pick a day which is best for you. I figure with all the people who offered, nobody should have to drive twice. Today I was in so much pain, I just cancelled my appointment altogether. I only have 1 week left after this week. I can't even believe it's almost here!

Thanks to everyone who has been praying us through this gauntlet of a pregnancy! We seriously are in awe of what the Lord has brought us through. Sonora is kicking away, never lets up ... hasn't let the cramped quarters cramp her style. I was told she would move less and less ... but she is like an ADD kid on a highly caffeinated sugar drink! Always moving ... thank God ...

Well, anyway, I need to get my swollen feet up. Hope you all have a great night.

Love,
Ant~*

Burnt Quiche and Shattered Platters

Everything seemed to be going wrong just moments before the guests were due to arrive. My blood sugar was a very low 63 ... probably from being on my feet all day preparing for the boutique. Daniel had helped me ahead of time by putting all the dry ingredients for the scones and quiche in bowls, and then all I had to do was add the wet stuff, mix and bake. Sounds easy enough, except for when you can't reach stuff and all the pain of fibromyalgia is full force from not sleeping and not being able to take any Advil.

The house was ready, the bracelets, ornaments, scarves and other trinkets were neatly displayed and the candles were lit, the tea was brewed. It was 6 o'clock and I eagerly awaited my first guest. Who would it be? So many people had e-mailed to say they couldn't make it ... too late of notice. Would this party be a bust? Would I make no money to pass to this family? God was up there laughing to Himself, knowing it had nothing to do with my preparations and everything to do with His perfect plan.

The money started rolling in 4 days ago. A friend brought by a $400 donation and I was speechless. The next day, another woman came to the door under the guise of wanting to "see the nursery" and when she left, there was a check for 25 sitting in the middle of the bead pile. Wow. Then yesterday, another friend stopped by with an envelope ... I said," At least take a bracelet or something" but she said no thanks, she was in a hurry, and this is just for the family. She is praying for them. Inside the envelope, a hundred dollars for the family ... WOW! The boutique hadn't even started yet and I already learned my lesson ... it wasn't about all my hard efforts and work. It wasn't about what beautiful things I could create and how people would ooh and ahh over the work of my diligent hands ... it was simply God using my talent (that HE GAVE ME) for networking and putting the word out and He accomplished the task in spite of my plans for a successful boutique! He knew I would be 9 months pregnant when this all went down, He knew I didn't need to knock myself out, all He needed was for me to hear the call, and act with compassion.

Okay, so we had a great start ...$525 cash before the party even started. Then all of a sudden, I realized, I made 2 quiches with less batter per pan ... I should have timed it for less time! OH NO! I run (okay, let's be honest, I waddle/skip) to the oven and Daniel is saying, "Babe ... it smells great, it looks perfect!" But as I pulled it out, I knew ... all the edges were black. The bottom couldn't have survived. I try and cut a piece out of the middle ... sure enough, burnt straight through. I try the other pan, I was able to salvage about a dozen small pieces. I was livid. My main dish ... ruined. Daniel went to wash the pans and I was so disgusted, I said, "Just get them outta here, we don't have time ... it's already after 6 ... stick the pans in the garage and we will deal with it later."

I thought to myself, "Thank God that lovely woman e-mailed me and offered to bring something tonight." I wondered what it would be ... something main-coursey I was hoping! And the phone rang ... it was a sweet voice saying, "Hi, we're in the parking lot, how do we find your place?" now I am sweating ... not from the oven or the anger over the burnt quiche, but because I was so unusually active (for this pregnancy) that I burned too much energy and my blood sugar was dropping quickly ... I was headed for an "episode."

Great ... now I feel something happen that usually I have control over, but lately it takes me by surprise ... I gotta pee ... and I mean now ... I am doing the pee dance as I am trying to tell the nice woman that Daniel will come find her in the parking lot and bring her here ... Oh no ... I am now crossing my legs like a kindergartner! I need to hurry and get to the bathroom ... I am now feeling sick and nauseous wondering what will everyone think when Daniel has to take me to the hospital because I am in a diabetic coma ... with they still shop?

I BARELY make it to the bathroom and Daniel comes in the house with the guests. He runs up the stairs and says. "Honey, one of the ladies dropped the tiered food platter and it shattered everywhere, I feel so bad for her ... I am going outside to sweep it all up." Oh no! Now BOTH of our meals were ruined?

My thoughts jumped to my baby shower day, when Amy and Charlene were both stuck in traffic and both about 75 miles from Joyce's home. Charlene almost slid into the back of another car when traffic on the 91 freeway came to a screeching halt. Sierra told me how bummed she was that all the meringue puffs she made crashed all over the car and were ruined. Then Amy shows up late and is upset because all the ice that her lunch wraps were on completely melted since her AC broke and the lunch she brought for everyone was a soggy mess. There they were, a group of my friends in the kitchen with paper towels trying to blot dry turkey sandwiches and wraps and taking them apart and re-making them with new bread to serve our guests. What else would go wrong? But then, it was the most amazing baby shower and everyone had a great time and everyone was fed, so many people brought stuff above and beyond that no one missed a thing. I was instantly comforted, thinking, it doesn't matter about the food, there are some nice desserts, and God is in the details ... it won't help to get mad, and I was instantly at peace.

I went downstairs and met my guests. There was the owner of the broken porcelain, not missing a beat, placing all her lovingly made tea sandwiches and lemon bars onto the empty plates I had left out for her, She said, "the dish broke, but the food is fine ... I was carrying the food separately."

Little by little, people started coming ... not alot, but all the right people that God had ordained to be in the room that night. One person gave me an envelope for the family ... another hundred dollars ... and then the sales started happening. I just sat in the chair and listened to people talk and enjoyed having music, candles, food and voices in my home again. All but one of Mallory's scarves sold, and I even took orders for her to make more. The ornaments were the hit of the evening, with only 4 left when it was over. People trickled in late and people e-mailed to say they would drop money off today since they couldn't make it last night.

At the end of the 3 and a half hour night, when we tallied the money, we had earned $875 for the Tyree family! THANK YOU JESUS! I can't even say how great it feels to be used by God to bring these compassionate people together and to be able to give Mallory the money! I am so excited and amazed, that an evening that began with burnt quiche and a shattered platter could end up such a whopping success!!! I saw God's hand, once more, as He gently reminded me that it's not about my efforts, it's about my obedience. I didn't need to worry, I just needed to obey and trust Him. Isn't that a basic life lesson? Trust and obey.

Countdown time ...

Well, it's been a long haul for us. Fall is finally here, and Sonora's birthday is just 3 weeks away. I can't even believe it. Last night, she had the hiccups and they were really fast. I sat there and rubbed my belly and said, " I know, I know ... hiccups are so annoying, huh baby? " And just talked to her and imagined her having them when she gets out. What will it be like? I mean, to actually get to hold her and comfort her, instead of just wonder what the heck she is doing inside of me. I think I will miss feeling her every little kick. I know that it will come as a shock to her to be born. I feel bad for what she is about to go through, but somehow, by the grace of God, we all made it and are okay.

I have been so blessed in the midst of all the physical trials and challenges I have faced. I have gone the full spectrum of fear and trembling to extreme peace in the calm of the storms. I look back, just a couple of months, and see a woman who was suffering with no end in sight, no hope of relief, and then today, still hurting in other areas, but so content to not be walking around with an ice-pack attached to her chest to ease the pain of surgery. I can't believe what the Lord took me through and is still taking me through. I can only hope it ends with Sonora's birth and that we don't have to face any problems with her. I know everyone always wants a healthy baby, but let me just say, I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a healthy baby.

Last night, my friend Kathy who used to work with me at the Salon but then moved to Oregon was in town and she and her husband had us over for dinner. We left her home with 2 boxes of little girl clothes ... amazing, adorable little clothes. She has 2 daughters, and she also has a friend who loves to spoil them, and it got passed down to me ... what a blessing.

Earlier this week, Vanessa came over with lunch as also piled on the love in the form of little baby girl clothes, all the little designer onesies and soft little sleepers and baby mittens and slippers Sonora could use. I have a full wardrobe in all the sizes I may need, and it is so great how through the months, all the clothes that have been passed on to me are appropriate for the weather at the age she will be! God is certainly in the details.

A couple days ago, my friend, Mallory, called me and told me about a family at her church that just suffered a tragedy. The dad, George, was feeling a little sick ... he had what he described as flu symptoms. He went to the doctors and they ended up running some tests and he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Within 4 days, he was dead. He is a believer, so to accurately put it: he went home to be with his Saviour. He left behind his wife, Priscilla, who is a stay-at home mom, and their 4 children (all under the age of 10) with the youngest being under a year old.

My heart aches for this family. I know the bible says to mourn with those who mourn. This time it wasn't hard ... didn't feel forced. It was too easy to have compassion on this family. All I had to do was picture myself losing Daniel and adding 3 more children and my name could be Priscilla.

Mallory and I wanted to do something to help, so we decided to have our annual boutique in honor of George's memory and to give all the profits to his young family. Daniel and Mal were saying it's alot of work for me at a little over 8 and a half months pregnant, but it makes me feel like me again ... not Antoniette, the wheelchair-bound, swollen ankled, diabetic/needle using, fragile, immobile, pregnant, mid-lifer, but it makes me feel like just plain ol' me. A person who can achieve things and make a difference with ease. It "feels" easy to make pretty jewelry and have a tea party and get a bunch of people here to spend some money and help a family out. It "feels" normal and good and right. I MISS feeling like I get to bless someone, because lately, I have been the recipient of so many blessings. I have had people give us money, I have had people give us clothes and supply other needs for the baby, I have had people drive me to appointments, deliver food, pray me through various trials and I have sat here at times all alone and bawled my eyes out because I couldn't walk across the room because of the pain I am in. But looking at this family, I think, I still have Daniel and I am so blessed. I want to just be me again and make a difference, even if it's just a little money to pass on, it can mean the difference between ordering a pizza when she is too overwhelmed to even cook a meal for her kids and forcing herself to trudge on in spite of the depression. It can mean the difference of agonizing whether or not to splurge on Halloween costumes for the annual school parade, or explaining to her kids that this year will be different because they aren't sure where they will be in a few months.

I don't know how to explain it, I just know what a blessing it was to us to be able to pay our medical bills when some of you gave us money and we were so afraid. You bought us relief with your money. I think I just want to buy Priscilla some relief. I know it won't get rid of the pain, I know it won't comfort her in bed at night when she reaches for her husband and is faced with an empty pillow, but I know it can buy a little relief, and even a little relief for her will be worth it to me, knowing how hard it is in the middle of emotional battles to take a minute and just breathe.

Please pray for this Family. I don't know them personally, but they are my family in Christ. Skip your prayers for me today and double up on them. And if you get a flyer from me telling you about the date and time of the boutique, please seriously consider coming and helping out this hurting family. We can make a difference. Complete strangers can make such a big difference and affect their lives for the better.

Sonora at 34 Weeks!

Just found out today that Sonora is now 7 pounds! She is *supposed to be* 4 and a half pounds, but she is a whopping 7! And, she still has 5 weeks to go! I just got a call from the hospital and they set up all my pre-op and post op appointments, we are all set for the surgery. It's a little scary, but I think I can handle it.

Well, we went and got the 4-D pictures today, so here are a few of her face. One of the most exciting things that happened today was that during the ultrasound, she began to turn away from the monitor and towards my spine, Daniel went close to my belly to talk to her and he said, "Hey little one, where are you going?" And she recognized his voice and smiled!! She opened her eyes ... but we didn't get a still shot of it. Fortunately, we have the DVD of it happening. Most of the pictures she looks like she is frowning, well in a couple she really is because as she is kicking me up top, she is burrowing her head down into my pelvic area, and it's smashing her against the placenta wall. It was funny, like she keeps trying to bust out with no luck. It was amazing to see her this clearly, and see her ears (she has Daniel's ears, attached lobes ...) and to see all her facial expressions, to see her little tongue, all her fingers ... this is the stuff that I think technology is good for!

Sonora's favorite position ... hand on face ...

Sonora just kicked me and shoved her own head downward into a tight position!

Sonora sticking her tongue out ...
Sonora just moved both fists from her face and brought them to her chest ...

Happy 10th Anniversary!!!

We went to Monterey ... Sonora went with us ... and we all 3 had a great time! We renewed our wedding vows on the beach at Moss Landing ... We hung out at our favorite spot in Pacific Grove ...
Daniel made sure I relaxed alot ... and ate well ... And I made sure Sonora was taken care of ...
We safely arrived home and made it to the 34 week mark! Thank You Jesus!!!

In other news, I don't think that I wrote about how HUGE Sonora is getting. So much so that complete strangers were coming up to me asking me if I was having twins! They also said, "due any minute, huh?" and stuff like that. Well, apparently, it's more obvious to everyone else than it is to me ... never having been pregnant, I felt "huge" at 6 months. Anyway, I have a scheduled C-section because the doctor also thinks Sonora is "too big" for me to deliver on my own. They wanted to take her 3 weeks early, but I pushed it for later, only a week early. They said she probably won't last that long, but I want her lungs to develop as much as possible, so if I go into labor sooner, they can take her then. As long as she is healthy, I don't care how she comes out ... I have been a hero enough this entire pregnancy, and I am not about to go on a guilt trip because I didn't have her the natural way.

Well, I need to do all the post-vacation laundry and eat some dinner so I can take my insulin shot. I am up to 4 a day now. I hope that she is benefitting from all this stuff I am doing. Hope you all have a great weekend!