The same, but different ...

I looked at her for the first time, and it was a sweeping emotion that I can only describe as "familiar." I saw Sabine there in the incubator, and my heart leapt. I began taking pictures outside the NICU in between the slats of the blinds that were closed shut for privacy. Sonora was asleep and we were able to bring her in, which is a miracle in and of itself, if you know anything about hospital labor and delivery wings. I got to be the first person to hold her, which I didn't get to do with Sonora. I told Sabine right away that Jesus loves her, He died on a cross for her so that she could live forever with Him in heaven and that He has a perfect plan for her life. I let her know that He knew all along this moment would come and He formed her while she was in the womb and He knew her name before the beginning of time.

My house is in chaos right now. Sonora is screaming at me from upstairs, it's late at night and I am sure the neighbors who don't know how much we love her think we are somehow torturing her by pulling out her toenails one by one. I am so sick, I have not had a moment to breathe. I went to the doctors alone today with my 2 girls because Daddy hasn't been able to take any time off from his new job that he started yesterday, and he feels he needs to work the second job as well. Exhaustion doesn't even begin to describe what we are going through. I wanted so much to write to Sabine and let her know all the intimate details of how we feel about having her join our family, our loving, caring family that from outside the doors and windows probably sounds like a modern day torture chamber. I can't. I am so upset at being sick, not having a minute to think, or do or just be. Daniel is sick as well. He isn't doing well under the pressure of a new job and the demands of our sick family. We need relief. I know we can't be the only family who has ever been through this. Honest to God, I can't believe how so much is the same ... the tired, the joy, the anticipation, the newness, the miraculous aspects of everything, but how much is different just because of our circumstances, being sick, Daniel working so many hours, and having a demanding 2 year old on top of me at all times. I love my life. I am trying hard to not let the fact that it isn't peaceful right now get to me. I wanted it all to blend seemlessly. I could have just sucked it up and wrote all the pretty, but that would be denying my own existence, which needs truth like oxygen. I will get to it, I will get to the scrapbook making, the cookie baking, the tea parties, the love letters to both my girls, but apparently when I sat down tonight thinking it would just take a minute, Sonora had other plans and it was the wrong minute. I hope when I go upstairs, Daniel isn't too upset for lack of sleep. I know tomorrow is a new day and I actually look forward to getting it right ... the attitude, the blog post, the hope. For now, I will just try and sleep as much as I can between feedings and diaper changes and pray that Sonora won't resent Sabine for intruding on her perfect life.

And baby makes 4!

Eye crossing exhaustion. I last slept on Tuesday night. Got the calls on Wednesday and have been up ever since. Everyone else is sleeping in our home, but I wanted to work on Sabine's birth announcement and have it up. I had months to prepare Sonora's before she was born so all I had to do was insert the photo. I did this tonight and wanted to share our sweet Sabine with everyone. Doing a ridiculous amount of laundry ... totally forgot about that part! She is an absolute dream. So sweet, quiet, precious ... just an absolute angel from God. THANK YOU to everyone who's been sending us formula and diapers, we are humbled and overwhelmed with gratefulness at how God is using you all to provide for us while Daniel prepares to start his new job on Monday. *No time off for baby* We're happy to have visitors. We are blessed and amazed at how this all turned out ... can't believe it took 5 years and even a pregnancy in between, but our little baby is now home and we can't praise God enough!!! Like I said on Facebook, our cups overflow!

Welcome little baby ...

Dear Precious Baby,

I wanted to take a moment to write to you and let you know how excited we are to meet you. We were just called a little over an hour ago and told that you are on your way and your first mommy is in labor at the hospital. We are shocked and surprised, since we just found out about you this morning, but know forever in your heart that we have been praying for you and preparing for you for years and years. More importantly, God has formed you from before time and knows you by name, and loves you very much. You are not a mistake, but a miracle and you are wanted and loved very much.

If you end up in our home within the next couple of days, know that you will have a mommy and daddy who will adore you to pieces, and an adorable big sister who can't wait to love you and hold you and kiss you and play with you! We can't wait to meet you. Right now, we're getting a carseat ready for you, the bassinet ready for you and formula and diapers and all the little things you will need to make your life comfortable, but better than all of that, you will have loving arms to hold you and hearts that have a special place already waiting for you to live in. If you end up staying with your first mommy, you will be born into a large family that will for sure be glad that you got to stay with them. Either way, I know that God has your best interest at heart and He is watching out for you and preparing the way for your arrival any minute now!

Hoping to meet you very VERY soon!!!

A 5-year pregnancy?

Well, next month will mark the anniversary of the beginning of our adoption voyage. We are ending the 5th year of waiting for baby Saunders to come into our lives. We have seen babies come and babies go. We have added a baby Saunders to our family without adoption. We have seen miracles and watched God move in amazing ways. We have prayed SOOO many prayers, taken SOOO many steps of faith and are now wondering if it has all come down to this:

We are the ONLY couple in the running for a baby that will be born within the next 2 weeks!

Yes, unless the parents change their mind within 24 hours after the birth, we will come home with a baby straight from the hospital! We don't know if it's a boy or a girl. We just took out what's left of the baby items and were ready to give away ... the crib, the play-yard, the bassinet, the stroller and infant carseat. We took down the box of bottles that we saved ready to try to sell at a garage sale we're having this weekend. We purged purged purged. I said, as I was emotionally letting go of the last remnants of hope, "well Lord, YOU will HAVE to provide for this baby if we get it, because we don't have anything left." I think the message all along is how much He provides, regardless of my preparation and my planning.

We are in the middle of trying to put an offer on a one-story home and trying to sell the condo. Daniel will start a new job on Sept 13th, so we will be in between paychecks. We are at our lowest point, financially, in our entire 13 year marriage. And NOW? Really? Now is when a baby comes for us??

When Daniel told me, my spirit jumped and I began crying as I was driving with Sonora to bible study in Orange. We have some details that I won't share on this blog until everything is final. One thing for sure, there IS a baby, we ARE the only couple it will go to, unless the birthparents change their mind and keep it, which, as you all know, in my opinion, should never be a bad thing.

So, baby boy or baby girl ... here we are waiting for the phone call telling us to come and pick you up!!! Please keep our family in your prayers, you have never let us down in that area, friends!!!

PS ... anyone with infant baby diapers that their baby grew out of, please feel free to pass on to us ... we will certainly appreciate them!