So much ...

There is so much I want to say. There are so many things I don't want to ever forget, and yet I am so exhausted, I know I have probably already forgotten so many things. I want to always remember her little breaths and the way she sighs when she breathes. I want to always remember the way she feels when she helplessly trusts me to pick her up, to change her to feed her. I am her everything right now, and she just completely yields to me so I can serve her.

Is that what it's like to be Jesus? To love someone so much, you just serve them, and wish they would just yield so you could bless them even more?

I love the way she wraps her tiny fingers around my index finder as I feed her. I love the way she looks at me, as if still trying to figure me out.

I wonder what her earliest memory is from inside the womb, and how it feels to recognize voices.

I want to always remember the way she looks like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch when she is impatient and wants to eat right at that moment. I want to remember how she looks drunk right as she is finishing eating and just about ready to fall asleep in my arms.

I never want to forget the way Daniel looks at us, the way he took care of us these first 2 weeks. He never left us, he spent every night in the hospital with us. We went on little parades around the maternity wing when I needed to walk. He put Sonora in the bassinet and rolled her down the halls next to me and the 3 of us would do laps so I would heal faster. We put a bow in her hair every time and told her we were going on an outing. We have never been separated from Sonora since she was born. I wish he didn't ever have to go back to work.

There is so much I want to tell her, so many memories already fading away ... so quickly ... I want to get started on her scrapbooks and keep writing in her journal ... I don't ever want to lose these precious early days with her.

Me and my shadow ...

How I love this girl! my first picture when my parents brought me home ...

Sonora's first picture when we brought her home ...

And on the sixth day ...

She sprouted wings!

Meals and Visits

Many of you have offered to bring a meal to us and we are so thankful! We were asked to direct everyone to Rhonda Vaughn as she will be organizing the calender. If you don't have the number, please call us and Daniel will give it to you.

As for visits, please call before coming. I haven't even slept one wink since coming home from the hospital last night ... and probably only about 6 to 7 hours total since the surgery. Daniel isn't far behind me. Sonora, on the other hand sleeps like a princess in her palace.

Thank you for the flowers, e-mails, phone calls and love & prayers that have made our journey the miracle that it is. We love you all!!!

XXOO
Daniel, Antoniette and Sonora

"Official Announcement"

This entry courtesy of pain meds ... details ASAP

Here we go ...5 minutes later ...

proud daddy

Sonora's first kiss

first hand-holding (with dad, as it should be ...)

mommy's first touch

tiring day already

she is so expressive!

HOME ... B&W pic in crib of me when I came home ...

Almost time to leave for the hospital ...

Saying Goodbye to the Belly

Well, we already had our morning cry as we were saying goodbye to the belly ... we prayed together and prayed over her and for the surgery, etc ...

I am hungry ... but the adrenaline is pretty much taking care of that.

I took a video of myself and showed her what I look like this morning, and showed her her room and where she will be sleeping when she comes home. I want her to know she was totally wanted and hoped for and that we prepared forever for her arrival.

My closest friends have been calling all yesterday and this morning encouraging me and asking for prayer. I have other friends posting myspace bulletins asking for prayer for us. The support is amazing.

I am crying alot ... happy tears, scared tears, saying goodbye tears, getting ready to say hello tears.

It's 9:00 right now as I type ... 3 and a half hours and she will be here. It's weird knowing.

Last night in bed, she was kicking away as we were talking to her and telling her how it will all go down, and I said, "well, Sonora, tonight is the last night I will ever feel you kick" and I just burst into tears. At least I get to say goodbye and relish these last moments of the pregnancy. It is very odd knowing, but it's comforting to be able to really capture the last few times of it all. Daniel was helping me get dressed and we have our little rituals of ways he has been helping me. It feels good to know I will no longer be a burden in some areas and I can go back to blessing him instead of leaning on him for everything.

Sonora has no idea she will be out. She is just in there wondering why the adrenaline rushes ... why the crying mommy?

How does one prepare for the biggest day in your life? How do 2 people cope together and somehow get each other through? I know it is only by the grace of God that Daniel and I are so united and so together in our thinking, and coping, and encouraging and hoping. We are a team that I believe God has equipped for this day, and for this particular girl and her unique needs. I honestly don't know how people can do this without knowing Christ. It must be a madhouse at their homes in the mornings.

Well, I need to get going and get the cord blood kit ready to pass to the nurses. I will be leaving very shortly for the hospital. Please pray for us ... next time I write in here, I will be a new mommy.

About 12 hours away ...

Words can not describe how I feel right now. Daniel and I will just look at each other and burst into smiles and laughter.

I already had a crying session about an hour ago when I realized this is the last night I will feel her kick inside of me. I will miss her. I will miss being her safe place where there is no hunger and no cold and nobody can get to her to hurt her.

I am in such anticipation of her arrival.

I am sad that I will not be the first to hold her, but excited that it will be Daniel. I know she will recognize him immediately, and I wish I could capture the moment (they will not let us video anything)

I am hoping that my anemia and diabetes will not adversely affect the outcome of the surgery. My blood is as thin as water right now, so I am a little apprehensive. I don't want a blood transfusion.

I can't wait to wrap her in her blankets from home ... I have been sleeping with them so they will have my scent on them so she will feel safe and secure.

I know it's silly, but I can't wait to brush her hair.

I can't wait till everyone gets to hold her in their arms and praise God for the miracle that she is. I know when people hold her, they will acknowledge what a miracle she is, because they (you) all have been praying for her. I feel like I owe you all a small piece of her in a weird way because your prayers have taken us this far!

I want to listen to her voice. I can't wait to hear what she will sound like.

I want to see her little chest move up and down when she breathes.

I can't wait to feel her grasp my finger.

I hope I don't squeeze her too hard or kiss her face off ... I don't know if I will be able to contain myself!!!

I am afraid of not sleeping.

I am afraid of post partum depression ... I pray against it hoping the Lord will spare me from more hormonal creepy stuff.

I am hopeful that I will have a smooth recovery ... I want to bundle her up and take her on walks ... I want to go everywhere with her, and also just stay home and cuddle with her and Daniel.

What will it be like? To hug him close again without that belly in the way? I can't wait for that either!

Sleeping on my stomach ... YAY!

Oh my gosh ... so many things to look forward to!

So many things that I wonder about ... how do you use a breast pump? How will I know the difference between the I am hungry cry and the I am hurting cry?

So many questions that will only be answered over time.

Will I get pregnant again? I don't really want to, to be honest ... I feel like this almost killed me. I am looking forward to adopting our next baby.

Will Sonora love Jesus??? I HOPE and PRAY she will.

Please God, help me to be the best mom she could ever have. Help me to love her the way YOU would ... not the way I would.

I am seriously unable to even comprehend all of this. I wonder if it would be different if I didn't know the day and the hour ... would I just be going to bed like normal tonight???

How hungry will I be in the morning? I have 4 minutes left to eat something, and then no food or drink until about 2pm tomorrow ... yikes!

I wish I had a sugar raised donut ...

I have to go to bed and get my feet up. I can't sleep ... but I NEED to ... because from what I heard, I won't sleep for the next few weeks.

Okay ... enough rambling ... please pray for us at noon and on ...

see you on the flip side of parenthood!

Love,
Antoniette

Sonora is 38 weeks!!! 2 more days to go!

OH my gosh, I can hardly believe it. Daniel and I sat up almost all last night talking about it and talking to her and telling her all about how great it will be when she comes out. He gave her her eviction notice and told her to pack her fingers and toes and move out on the 16!

We are beside ourselves with excitement. We can't even think of anything else. We just sit here and randomly burst out laughing from being so excited!

Okay ... one thing we though about is that somewhere out there is the birthmother of our other child. We were talking about how different her birthing experience will be. She will go through all the physical and emotional stuff and not even get to take home the prize. I can't even imagine.

Right now, Daniel is vacuuming the baseboards in our bedroom and in Sonora's room. We thouroughly cleaned the upstairs. I was very excited to pack up all the diabetes stuff ... all the needles, insulin pens, lancets, alcohol wipes, logbooks, etc. ... etc. It was taking up counter space in the bathroom and now I will need that space for baby stuff for when I am recovering from the c-section. It will have baby wipes and other little necessities for our daughter. I CAN'T even believe it is finally here!

The camera batteries are charged, the phone charger is put in the hospital bag, Sonora has going home outfits in 3 different sizes in her diaper bag since we don't really know what will fit her. The carseat is secure, the announcements are ready to go and all that needs to be done is upload her picture and type in the details! She already has a Christmas stocking with her name on it waiting here for her!

She seems to know there is something going on ... she is CONSTANTLY moving and squirming about, day and night. She is always responding to Daniel's voice, now more than ever. I have one appointment left tomorrow, and then Tuesday is the big day ... seriously, I am in awe that the Lord allowed us to get this far, and that we are doing well after all the chaos and medical drama we endured.

Well, I will see you all on the other side of parenthood ... just a day and a half to go!!!

4 more days!!!!

Well, here we are, only 4 more days left to go, in about 15 minutes, it will be 3 days!

Tomorrow, Daniel is performing a wedding for our friends and my job is to sit with my legs crossed and hope Sonora stays put until after 3pm ... then whatever she wants to do is fine with me!

I had 3 doctor's appointments today and one phone appointment. We did the pre-op and registration where they told me if I eat anything after midnight the night before, I could die during surgery. I kid you not, they told me this!

Anyway, Sonora is defying all the odds ... she hung in there with me through thick and thicker, she survived mumps, bleeding, 2 breast surgeries. panic attacks, gestational diabetes and lots of other stuff that I am probably forgetting. I love her and her little spirit! I can't even wait to hold her ... I am getting really really excited now!

I need to go to bed and get my feet up ... I will write in here again, and soon, we will all see the little miracle that we all have been praying for ...

THANK YOU for everything ... all the prayers, meals, support ... all of it ... that has got us this far. I can't even believe it's almost here!!!!

I'll wonder if I will forget these things ...

I used to love a plush, soft, sinking sofa. I used to really enjoy sitting and having the feeling of becoming one with the couch, the way your head just falls back into the pillow and how you are enveloped in the cushions.

Now ... not so much.

I view them as a death trap. If I even come remotely close to a soft couch, I would rather stand on my swelling feet than find myself stranded like a turtle on it's back. There is NO WAY on God's green earth that I have figured out how to get up, or even roll to get out of a soft, sinky couch. It's a curse on women who are more than 8 months pregnant that Eve certainly didn't figure in to the whole fruit tasting equation.

Today I was putting tiny little bottle parts into the dishwasher to rinse and sanitize, and I accidently turned sideways into the corner of my kitchen counter and just about impaled myself in the belly button. What the heck was that all about? I thought I sucked in enough air in the room when I gasped to create a significantly tight enough vacuum seal to impress any Zip-Lock bag employee.

I snuck 2 m&m's ... a red one and a white one, and felt incredibly guilty ... and then just as I was closing the lid to the container, I dropped one ... the white one. Now, when things hit the floor, they stay there till Daniel gets home. Anyone who knows me knows this is otherwise an atrocity that is completely intolerable, but I can't bend down to pick up anything off the floor anymore.

My belly button decided to take a turn ... it has now fallen below the equator line and is facing south a little ...

There is a small bump below my "horizon line" of vision that I rarely (if ever) see because I don't spend alot of time in front of the full length mirror. That bump is otherwise known as Sonora's shoulder. Wow ... amazing.

I don't have that black line up and down my belly that alot of women have, but I have a row of small bruises now where all my shots are entering my skin just above my undies line across both sides of the belly. Lovely.

Sonora loves the theme music to Little House on the Prairie. She couldn't care less about Dancing with the Stars music.

Daniel refers to my tennis shoes at feet corsets. I am not kidding.

We have several nicknames already for Sonora. Most common are Sonora Borealis, little kicker, noogie nugget, baby love, lil one and whatever else comes out of our mouths in that sing-songy talk to a baby voice ... but neither of us talk baby talk to her ... we hate that.

Will I remember all the kick counting I have done? All the blood testing and recording of numbers before and after each meal?

Will I remember how I can't bend my legs because they are swollen behind the knees?

Will I remember how Daniel put on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air marathon hoping that it would fake me out as to what time I was waking up when I would have problems sleeping? I swear, it was the only thing I could fall asleep to ... I would wake up and see it was on and think, "oh, it's still on ..." and then I would sing along with the theme song every time a new episode began and eventually fall asleep. Daniel would periodically wake up to either me snoring (purring) or to me singing, "I pulled up to the house around 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabby, "yo Holmes, smell ya late-ah" Seriously ... this was a nightly occurance for a few weeks!

Will I remember what it feels like to have her kick against Daniel's or my hand?

Will I take for granted being able to get in and out of the easily shower again?

Will I remember what life was like before I was a mommy? Will I look at scrapbooks and say, "what was it like before she came? I don't even remember!"

I am ending my life as a childless woman, as part of a couple with no responsibilities to anyone except each other, and we are self-maintaining. I am in awe of what is about to happen!

Oh man, she is bearing down on me right now and I HAVE to get up and move ... and remember to breathe ... oh man ... this hurts ... I will write more later ...

A message from Daddy ... (Sonora is 37 weeks!)

Hi Everyone, Daniel here ...

Though the changes have been a little more subtle than Antoniette's, I think you'll see the preparing that my body has done over the last 9 months to become a dad! Like most dads, I specialize in being goofy and having fun, but recently, the excitement has overwhelmed me as I start thinking about our baby. Only 9 more days to go.

Many people have told me I'll be a great dad ... people that I trust, like many of you. Like most men, I don't enjoy asking for directions ... I like reading instructions even less. So, please, in the days to come, I humbly ask you to give me your best fatherly advice! I think I'm ahead of the game since I'm actually asking before I get lost. Darn ... there goes that humility thing ...

When I think about being a dad in today's society, especially a dad of a little girl, it's scary. My desire to protect her is affected by my desire to see her take risks, to be challenged and to succeed, and I don't want to hamper her growth.

This little girl has already reached out of the womb and grabbed a hold of my heart. Every time I talk to her, she jumps and moves inside of Antoniette. Many of those times have brought me to tears.Today I was in a restaurant with my in-laws and my wife and saw a family of 4. The little boy was constantly interacting with his mom and the little girl was constantly interacting with her dad. It made me think that I need to protect and nurture my relationship with my wife so our daughter will interact with BOTH of us.

I have a hopeful excitement with just a touch of dread when I think about the actual c-section and the aftermath (recovery). I will be so excited to see our baby, and also have the prayerful concern for my wife that I should have. I can't wait to actually hold my baby next to my wife, I can only imagine it like a dream.

As Sonora grows up, I look forward to getting to know her, her personality, favorites (colors, teddy bears and all that stuff ...) As she gets older, what's she gonna love? Books? Foods? Some other boy? That's scary. In my presumptuous thinking, I will get to see all those things ... but that's what it's like when you have dreams. I'm tearfully blown away that I get to be some body's dad. I love my little Sonora. And I just have to take some time right here to say thank you to Antoniette for enduring all the hardships of this pregnancy and helping me get to this dream come true.

It has meant so much to me to be a part of fellowship ... at our church, with our family and our friends. Thank you all, for all of your prayers.

Love,

Daniel ... Daddy to be

Who wants to know???

We were told to make a phone tree so that we can tell one person and they can tell 2 people all the details and stuff, etc ... when Sonora is born . We aren't going to text everyone because we don't have free texting on the phone and last time I was sick, when we texted people asking for prayers, it was awesome but we got so many texts back that our bill was 175 over the normal amount! We figure we probably shouldn't do that again.

If any of you would like to be a contact person that we could tell and send a picture to via cell phone to your e-mail, I can send you a list of people to forward Sonora's birth-day details to so you can see the little miracle you all have been praying for! If you go to church with us and are willing to call a few people and let them know she made it safely, etc ... then please let me know so that Daniel doesn't have to do it that night, and we don't have a million phone calls while I am recovering from surgery.

I am getting so excited, I can't even believe ... only 10 more days!

Nine Months (click to enlarge photos)

a little to the left ...

Oh my gosh ... what is with the itching? It seems like wherever clothes touch my body, I itch. Wherever nothing touches my body, I itch. Where there were clothes and I take them off (brastrap, socks, elastic waist from pants ...) it begins itching about 3 minutes after the clothes come off. I was in bed last night and I told Daniel, "Something is biting me!" And it felt like sharp miniature teeth were digging into me and he looked and I swore up one side and down the other there was some sort of spider, or bug biting me, how dare he not see it! I kept trying to tell him to look on the bed, look on my back ... what the heck was it? It ended up being the fluid going back into the indentation my brastrap left from me being swollen all over. The tops of my feet itch when I take my shoes off ... you name it. I will not miss the itching ... at all!

I will miss the little kicks I get from Sonora (who must know I am writing about her because she is kicking right now ...) I will miss it so much ... feeling her every move. That is the ONLY thing I will miss about being pregnant. I am so not good at being pregnant. I am not the pretty, glowing, calm, serene pregnant momma ... I am a raging, itching, pain-filled bundle of nerves that are exposed and raw from all the illnesses I have dealt with. I am so excited that she is almost out and I can get to being her mom, not just a carrier. I can't wait to be able to look her in the eyes and someday, hopefully soon, she will recognize me and I will see it. I can't wait until I get to watch Daniel be a dad to her, and watch them interact without my belly skin in between them. It will be awesome. I can't wait to stop pricking myself 8 times a day and giving myself 4 shots a day. That will not be something I reminisce about at all.

It is so weird, to be in the middle of one of my life's biggest blessings and be so annoyed at things like shots and itching. I feel so unappreciative ... I mean, I am very thankful to God for Sonora, but I don't get why it had to be so difficult. Whatever ... only 1 week and a couple more days and BAM! I get a little baby girl ... seriously, I am still blown away by the entire thing.

Calling all friends ...

Well, I am to the point of being unable to drive safely. Many of you have asked if I need anything to just "let you know" so here I am ... letting you know.

I have a minimum of 5 appointments per week. Some last about 20 minutes, some are 2 in one day back to back and some are at least an hour each, like when we do fetal monitoring. If anyone is able to give me a ride to and from any of my appointments, please call and I will give you my schedule and you can pick a day which is best for you. I figure with all the people who offered, nobody should have to drive twice. Today I was in so much pain, I just cancelled my appointment altogether. I only have 1 week left after this week. I can't even believe it's almost here!

Thanks to everyone who has been praying us through this gauntlet of a pregnancy! We seriously are in awe of what the Lord has brought us through. Sonora is kicking away, never lets up ... hasn't let the cramped quarters cramp her style. I was told she would move less and less ... but she is like an ADD kid on a highly caffeinated sugar drink! Always moving ... thank God ...

Well, anyway, I need to get my swollen feet up. Hope you all have a great night.

Love,
Ant~*