Accentuate the Positive

Well, on the upside of swollen ankles ...

I now get to have a temporary disabled person's parking permit. I think that will do me good when I am in parking structures!

My doctor called me tonight and we were talking about the infectious disease specialist's diagnosis vs the surgeon's diagnosis, and he thinks the surgeon is right. He said that the Septra I took should have wiped out strep if I had it. So now, looks like we'll be relying on the results of the biopsy on the 12th.

Daniel is at the Dodger game with our friend BJ right now. Many of you know BJ as my favorite server at the German Deli. I have watched BJ grow up over the years and now he is a teacher and just got his first class. He's been praying for us and sends me encouraging e-mails. He asked if there was anything he could do for me, and I said, "you could sit with Daniel at a Dodger game." I figure that when he is at work, Daniel worries about the job situation, and when he is at home, he is busy waiting hand and foot on me and worrying about me and Sonora. So, I thought he could use a break from it all. Well, BJ went and bought the tickets and blessed us, so Daniel and him are somewhere probably in the middle of the 5th or 6th inning right now, eating a Dodger Dog. Meanwhile, my friend, Patricia took me to Friday's for dinner and came over hand hung out with me for awhile. After she left, the phone rang and it was friends from church inviting us over for a BBQ on Friday. I am telling you, you would think all this attention and all these invitations would make us feel popular. In reality, they are a relief. A distraction. A welcome blessing.

I don't feel like we are so busy and full of plans, I feel like the Lord is leading these people, these friends to us to bless us and nurture us through this awful territory we are trying to navigate. I feel like I want to just laugh and enjoy myself, and when I am with everyone, I do. I tell jokes, and ask about them and how they are doing, but inside I am just thinking, "Keep talking. Stay focused on them. Keep interested in what they are saying. You care about these people ... show it." I force myself to not let my mind wander or dwell on myself. I lose patience so quickly now. I don't care about people's goings on and daily happenings. I care about them, but not what they do, and certainly not about what their friends are doing. But, I sit and listen, because if I wasn't facing these problems, I would be full of interest, and patience, and advice and concern. I would care more. So, I try and act like I do. Act as if, become as if. I think someday, I may be the one who is rambling on and on about what Sonora did that day and my friends who are so past kids already will be like, "who cares?" on the inside, while they smile at me and feign interest on the outside.

I know everyone thinks stuff like this, but everyone doesn't admit it. I trust that you all know me enough to know that I really do care. I am just overwhelmed and don't have a lot to give right now. I don't want to worry about offending anyone right now. I want the freedom to fall on my butt and sit there and cry like a baby if I need to. I don't want to suck it up anymore, or hold it in so I look stronger than I am. I want to just be able to crumble without anyone telling me to suck it up one more time. I feel like saying, "oh yeah? wanna trade places for a day?"

I also want to be this amazing witness in my time of weakness and emotional anguish. I want to be the strong tower so everyone will be encouraged thinking, "If she can go through all that and still praise God with a smile, then so can I."

I go back and forth from courage to fear. It comes as quickly as it goes, and then comes back again.

Well, I am so tired ... woke up too early and went to sleep too late ...

that means anxiety attacks galore!

Tomorrow I get to see Sonora on Ultrasound again ... can't wait!