Well, after a night of no sleep, all I needed was for Daniel to be in a snappy mood. I am sure that NONE of you can even picture him in a snappy mood, but believe me, he is more than entitled ... well, except for in this house.
I have worked so hard to make our home a safe place for us, even in the midst of all these trials. I have made sure we avoid chaos, stay out of people's business that could make us feel overwhelmed, I have tried to be exceptionally kind and supportive during this drama week. Well this morning, Daniel didn't know if he was going to have an interview or not with the Mission. I asked him to wear a shirt and tie, just in case. He is in no way in the mood to show them any respect right now, he feels totally disrespected and angry and most of all hurt. I said, "well, if you don't know if today is the day they call you in, then at least have a shirt and tie in the car so you will be prepared." He would have worn a tie to any other interview, I am not asking him to do something out of the ordinary.
Well, something snapped in him and it wasn't pretty. I sat there with my tongue bitten and my heart racing and all I wanted to do was scream, instead, I said, "You will act with integrity regardless of how they treated you. The shirt and tie isn't for them, it's for you. You are my husband, and my husband is the kind of man who carries himself properly, regardless of what the world around him is doing. And also, my husband ALWAYS talks to me in a nice tone, because I certainly have earned it." I was so hurt. It is the first time in all this mess that there was anything aimed at each other besides total safety and support. I hated that feeling. I wasn't fighting for the shirt and tie, I was fighting for us, and for Daniel to keep his integrity and to not waiver, even in the smallest things, just because other people have. I said, things are not half as bad as they could be. He said, "oh yeah, well what if I don't get hired back on at the Mission?" I said, "that will be NOTHING compared to if you don't get hired back on AND I end up having breast cancer. And, even if I get cancer, it can be worse, we could lose the baby. Believe me, it could get a million times worse! So regardless of how worse it gets, we have to make it not an option to turn on each other, and if we do, we need to immediately acknowledge it and apologize and make it right. We need to be strong for each other because it could get so worse ... we have no idea how bad it could get."
It took a long time, too long in my opinion, but he finally calmed down and we got over it. He just left for work. He found out his 2 best friends there called in sick today. That is exactly what I am talking about. I said that I am proud of him for not calling in sick ... no matter how sick he feels about all of this. He is still employed there, even if only for a week, and if he goes out, I want him to go out with his character in tact. I reminded him that if he leaves, he still needs a good reference for whatever future position he may apply for.
It was just a lot of work this morning ... just getting through the morning. It isn't over for either of us. I am sure he is driving to work right now regretting snapping at me, his biggest fan, and I am here still wound up ... heart still racing and still feeling a little wounded.
I don't know where to place the tears. On the table where Daniel doesn't have job security? On the table where I see the infectious disease specialist today? On the table where I am afraid of the results they will give me Wednesday concerning the biopsy? On the table where Sonora's well being is probably being compromised by all my stress? Honestly, there are enough tears to go around. I also have close friends and family who are going through major trials. Marriage problems, problems with their kids, health problems ... all kinds of horrible things. I usually am a support to others during difficulties, but right now, I am barely hanging on. I have decided to not cry, to not let anything out, because I am afraid once I start, I may not stop until Christmas!
Yes, we are in a crisis mode. Yes, we trust the Lord to get us out. No, we have no idea the direction He is taking us. Yes, we will follow Him no matter what. Yes, we are just like you ... sitting there wondering how in the world is all this happening to just one couple. No, we don't think it's "fair" but we realize that life isn't about being fair. Sept. 11 wasn't fair. The tsunami wasn't fair. Hurricane Katrina wasn't fair. We still think we have it made.
Today started out bad ... ugly in my opinion, but it could get worse. Also, believe it or not, it could get better. I could go to the infectious disease specialist and they could tell me exactly what is wrong with my breasts and maybe even be able to cure it without harming my baby. I could find the answer today before I even get the biopsy results back! Daniel could go in and one of the 5 jobs he applied for could pay more than his current position ... don't laugh ... it could happen!
Anything is possible. So, I will stop being a worry wart, and start having some hope. It's been awhile since I have felt it. I have claimed it, but I haven't actually felt it.
Please, keep us in your prayers, especially Daniel today. In fact, skip me altogether and double up on him!
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