Feeling Vulnerable

So, today I am here hoping that Danielle will call us.

I want this little girl.

I want this little girl for a couple of reasons. I think she is a fighter. She, somehow, got her weight up to 7 pounds in the middle of being fed drugs every day of her life in the womb so far. She needs a safe home, and I know I can give that to her. I know alot of other people can also provide a safe home, but for whatever reason, I want this little baby girl. Not just becuase she is a girl, either. I was thinking about it, and thinking how I was so against any drugs at first, and how the Lord is softening my heart, and how He is preparing me for whatever is coming our way. He may just want me to open up, and then end up giving us a baby with no druggie birthparents, we may actually get totally blessed with some nice woman who just "made a mistake" instead of a person who had the kind of lifestyle that would require giving up her child, or many children. This little girl's siblings live with their father, so what does that say about the birthmom? I don't really want to deal with her at all, but I still want this little girl. It feels weird to admit it to Daniel, to myself and now to you. I feel really vulnerable, and I want to make sure that if we don't get picked, that I am still fully able to praise God with all my heart because I trust Him and know He loves me and wants the best for me. I hate these moments of weakness. I hate feeling like I want something to the point of being disappointed if I don't get it. I like just living each day totally content where the Lord has me and I like hoping, but I don't like feeling let down. I don't want to be sad when Friday rolls around and there was no call for us. I don't even want to know about all the "potentials" I just want to get a call that says, "come get your baby" and be done with it. That's not how it's happening. So I gotta just roll with the proverbial punches and watch this all happen in slow motion. Thanks for joining me, thanks for being there. Thanks for praying for me. I am a little tired right now from being sick all weekend, and from other stuff that is going on. I really appreciate your reading these blogs and following me (us) along this journey.