Well, a couple things have happened in the last week that I am still processing. I have been battling a first-ever case of hives since the class on Saturday. Just when I thought I was getting rid of them, another little setback - well, one that has been going on that we just found out about.
First the 8-hour class. Daniel and I went to our 8 hour mandatory class at Pasadena on Saturday (a week ago, now) and I ended up giving a tearful, impromptu speech. I don't know if it will help or harm us - but I couldn't keep my mouth shut! They had these birthmothers or, "angels" who spoke of one-night-stands, not remembering the birth because they were "so high on drugs" and choosing a family because "he was a good looking CHP." One of them "just didn't have the time to raise a second baby ..." another was too afriad to tell her parents and everyone lived in denial until her water broke! One woman got kicked out when she told her parents, and another one was so happy to be able to give her second baby to the same family she gave her first one to! I sucked it up as much as I could, but then I blew. Of course i waited until the angels flew away and it was just us perspective parents, and the social workers.
I proceeded to tell everyone there exactly how I felt. I told them I have a different perspective - that of BEING the child in the video .. the girl who's "angel" was unable/unwilling to keep her, the one who's biological grandparents wanted nothing to do with her ... and that they are all fooling themselves if they think that just telling the kid to call this woman "Mommy-Susie" is gonna fix everything.
I explained that no matter what you tell a child, they will make up a story in their own mind that will allow them to process this at their own level and they will find their own way to comfort themselves so they don't have to think about the fact that someone gave them away.
I also told them I thought they were foolish for telling my parents 42 years ago that completely closed adoption is the BEST WAY and that they are just as foolish for telling all of us in the room that completely open adoption is the BEST WAY. I said that the BEST WAY is to first teach kids ABSTINENCE so there aren't any "second and third" babies to give up and that if they want to figure out how to help these adopted kids feel better - then they should focus on the CHILD not the adoptive parents, who want the prize, not making the birthmother feel less shame, but they should think about the CHILD for once!
I told them they should neither force a child into a relationship with the birthparents, and they should not deny the child access either.
I went off - I was crying and talking and talking and I couldn't stop. I felt God comfort me as I thought to myself, "well - I just blew our chance of ever getting a kid from THIS agency ..." I kept feeling comfort as I was going on and on and taking over the entire lecture. I knew that even if ONE person in that room heard me, it was worth it. So - then, on the way home, I broke out in HIVES and have been trying to get rid of them ever since!!!!!
After it was all over, one social worker came up to us and said it was brave of me to speak out and that I brought up some points that they never thought of and how it was the first time they actually had an adopted person from that agency speak. We still wonder if there are now red lines and sad faces plastered all over our application!
That was the Speech part. Now for the setback ...
Daniel called the head of the agency, not just the Orange County part, but the entire agency and let them know we were disappointed at how we haven't been assigned a social worker yet, especially since we jumped through every hoop and completed all our assignments in November. FYI once we get assigned a social worker, our profile book can be put into circulation and the birthmothers can start viewing us as potential parents. This is the main goal, to get our book seen by as many birthmothers as possible so maybe we can actually have a "choice" of a healthy baby. For the last 4 months we have been arguing with Holy Family Services because they kept saying stuff like, "you don't have your fingerprints done yet - and we know, and the Buena Park Police knows, and our BANK knows we did it in November. Then they kept saying our reference letters weren't in. We assured them over and over all our friends sent them in. It stated on the instructions that they were to be turned in within 7 days. That was in january. We kept asking, "who - which ones?" but they didn't answer us, they just kept saying, "they aren't all in." We told them we would get copies and we were so upset because here we are waiting and waiting and that was the only thing holding us back the last 4 months. Well, finally, they gave Daniel a name. He called our friends and found out the letter was never sent. Part of me was so hurt because I feel it's obvious how important this is to us. The other part, and luckily the larger part says, "God knows and He is the One who has the timing down, so He knew this would happen and He has the right baby at the right time IF there is even a baby to be had. Still, I am trying to get over the disappointment of feeling let down. I guess I better get used to it - everyone says your kids will let you down, so this is good practice since I love these people so much. Now I just wonder what the agency thinks of us after all this and how it reflects on us.
I still am not over the hives - I don't get what they actually are, all I know is they itch and I wish they would go away. I try and not think about stuff, I try and just let it go ... I guess it's better for me to write about it all because I obviously am not the kind of girl who holds stuff in very well.
First the 8-hour class. Daniel and I went to our 8 hour mandatory class at Pasadena on Saturday (a week ago, now) and I ended up giving a tearful, impromptu speech. I don't know if it will help or harm us - but I couldn't keep my mouth shut! They had these birthmothers or, "angels" who spoke of one-night-stands, not remembering the birth because they were "so high on drugs" and choosing a family because "he was a good looking CHP." One of them "just didn't have the time to raise a second baby ..." another was too afriad to tell her parents and everyone lived in denial until her water broke! One woman got kicked out when she told her parents, and another one was so happy to be able to give her second baby to the same family she gave her first one to! I sucked it up as much as I could, but then I blew. Of course i waited until the angels flew away and it was just us perspective parents, and the social workers.
I proceeded to tell everyone there exactly how I felt. I told them I have a different perspective - that of BEING the child in the video .. the girl who's "angel" was unable/unwilling to keep her, the one who's biological grandparents wanted nothing to do with her ... and that they are all fooling themselves if they think that just telling the kid to call this woman "Mommy-Susie" is gonna fix everything.
I explained that no matter what you tell a child, they will make up a story in their own mind that will allow them to process this at their own level and they will find their own way to comfort themselves so they don't have to think about the fact that someone gave them away.
I also told them I thought they were foolish for telling my parents 42 years ago that completely closed adoption is the BEST WAY and that they are just as foolish for telling all of us in the room that completely open adoption is the BEST WAY. I said that the BEST WAY is to first teach kids ABSTINENCE so there aren't any "second and third" babies to give up and that if they want to figure out how to help these adopted kids feel better - then they should focus on the CHILD not the adoptive parents, who want the prize, not making the birthmother feel less shame, but they should think about the CHILD for once!
I told them they should neither force a child into a relationship with the birthparents, and they should not deny the child access either.
I went off - I was crying and talking and talking and I couldn't stop. I felt God comfort me as I thought to myself, "well - I just blew our chance of ever getting a kid from THIS agency ..." I kept feeling comfort as I was going on and on and taking over the entire lecture. I knew that even if ONE person in that room heard me, it was worth it. So - then, on the way home, I broke out in HIVES and have been trying to get rid of them ever since!!!!!
After it was all over, one social worker came up to us and said it was brave of me to speak out and that I brought up some points that they never thought of and how it was the first time they actually had an adopted person from that agency speak. We still wonder if there are now red lines and sad faces plastered all over our application!
That was the Speech part. Now for the setback ...
Daniel called the head of the agency, not just the Orange County part, but the entire agency and let them know we were disappointed at how we haven't been assigned a social worker yet, especially since we jumped through every hoop and completed all our assignments in November. FYI once we get assigned a social worker, our profile book can be put into circulation and the birthmothers can start viewing us as potential parents. This is the main goal, to get our book seen by as many birthmothers as possible so maybe we can actually have a "choice" of a healthy baby. For the last 4 months we have been arguing with Holy Family Services because they kept saying stuff like, "you don't have your fingerprints done yet - and we know, and the Buena Park Police knows, and our BANK knows we did it in November. Then they kept saying our reference letters weren't in. We assured them over and over all our friends sent them in. It stated on the instructions that they were to be turned in within 7 days. That was in january. We kept asking, "who - which ones?" but they didn't answer us, they just kept saying, "they aren't all in." We told them we would get copies and we were so upset because here we are waiting and waiting and that was the only thing holding us back the last 4 months. Well, finally, they gave Daniel a name. He called our friends and found out the letter was never sent. Part of me was so hurt because I feel it's obvious how important this is to us. The other part, and luckily the larger part says, "God knows and He is the One who has the timing down, so He knew this would happen and He has the right baby at the right time IF there is even a baby to be had. Still, I am trying to get over the disappointment of feeling let down. I guess I better get used to it - everyone says your kids will let you down, so this is good practice since I love these people so much. Now I just wonder what the agency thinks of us after all this and how it reflects on us.
I still am not over the hives - I don't get what they actually are, all I know is they itch and I wish they would go away. I try and not think about stuff, I try and just let it go ... I guess it's better for me to write about it all because I obviously am not the kind of girl who holds stuff in very well.
Lately I have been running out of patience, and I have been overwhelmed with frustration at life in general, not just aspects of the adoption process, but everything. There are SOOOO many wonderful things to praise God about, and here I am on Easter Sunday typing this blog because I am tired of answering everybody about when is the baby coming, and what are you guys "doing" about it and all kinds of other well-intentioned and caring concerns. Well, let me just say, we are (have been) DOING everything in our power and everything that has been required of us to get through this obstacle course unscathed and as quickly as possible. We don't know what or who God has in store for us, but we trust Him with everything we have.
And there is another testimony of why today is so special - a day to acknowledge HIM in our lives, not just a day to buy pretty dresses and eat chocolate eggs.
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