I think:
- What's the point of all this money being spent?
- What's the point of childproofing our entire home?
- What was the point of getting CPR certified NOW if I have to do it all again in a couple months?
- What's the point of having to rely on other people to determine the fate of my future?
- What's the point of everyone's weaknesses being exposed?
- Why can't I just have kids the natural way?
- Are we not supposed to be parents?
- Is there some really really big surprise around the corner that God is chuckling about that I am clueless about?
- Is God protecting us from more pain?
- Is there some really huge lesson we're "just not getting"?
What is the point?
Here's the point:
I am making myself available for His will and His purpose.
If God uses me for this, to parent a child or children, He will decide if and when a baby comes.
He will decide how it gets here and by what means.
He will bring it to us and entrust us with it because HE chooses and we trust Him.
We accept responsibility to raise a child unto HIM, not unto ourselves and our selfish desires.
The more I realize and accept this, the more I am ready, able and willing to seek Him and His ways, not my ways.
The more I become patient. And when I practice patience consistently and faithfully, the more I am calm and content in ANY circumstance. The fruit of the Spirit as found in Galatians 5 are present in my life.
Just because I am not forcing my way through barriers doesn't mean I don't want a baby. It means I am not willing to do "anything" to get one. I am not willing to compromise my integrity, I am not willing to put us in financial ruin to satisfy my maternal leanings, I am not willing to destroy friendships, I am not willing to lose my valuable relationship with my husband. I have a list of things I will not do in exchange to get what I want. I am not willing to dumb myself down to make others feel superior. I am not willing to lie to make myself look better than I really am.
So yes, I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I think I would make a great mom. I think Daniel will make an awesome father if given the opportunity. I do not have an unrealistic sense of entitlement. We are not "owed" a baby. For whatever reason, the Lord has seen fit to lead us to this particular agency and we don't feel nurtured or well taken care of. We have to rely on friends to do things to get us through when we'd rather do it all ourselves. We don't like it, but we know that He has a plan.
So yes, I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I think I would make a great mom. I think Daniel will make an awesome father if given the opportunity. I do not have an unrealistic sense of entitlement. We are not "owed" a baby. For whatever reason, the Lord has seen fit to lead us to this particular agency and we don't feel nurtured or well taken care of. We have to rely on friends to do things to get us through when we'd rather do it all ourselves. We don't like it, but we know that He has a plan.
We may not understand it, but we trust it. Completely.
1 comment:
I know that there's so much to think about, and questions to ask, I feel it too; the streching of our faith in this process ultimately in God to hadle all of the details and order all the chaos to be gone. The things that we've learned about each other and about our God are valuable. Thank you for being my bride and enduring all that these circumstances require of us. The depth of your honesty is amazing. I don't just feel that you'd make a great mom, I know it!! Thank you for loving so deeply and being willing to risk your heart to go forward.
Love,
Punk
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