I hate emotions.

I didn't even want to write it because I didn't want it to be true. Yesterday I got an e-mail from my friend Christy telling me that baby Grayson went to heaven and Becky was about to deliver him. I finally get what it means when the bible says to mourn with those who mourn. I have been to many a funeral and have understood the "rejoice, they are with the Lord" line that everybody uses. I guess it's because so many funerals I have been to involve people who have suffered with cancer or some other horrible thing that made living the worst of the 2 options.

I am so sad, I am actually grieving. I hate it that we have emotions when it feels this bad. The other day when I was able to look at Becky in the eyes, she knew that somebody "got it." I was that person who had been there. Not today. My outcome was the success she was hoping for. Now I feel like a bitter reminder of what could have been instead of an inspiration. I am not the go-to girl who can look at her with the compassion I long for, the kind that comes only with experience. I feel useless. I called my brother and asked him what I can say or do to help or make any of it better and the answer I dreaded is the answer I got: "Nothing." He said if I opened my mouth, something ignorant would come out and the best thing to do is to let her know I am sorry for her loss and I am praying. That, to me, is obvious. I want to do more, to say more, to somehow cushion the blow, but it is between her, her husband and God. I know my Jesus is big enough, strong enough and everything else enough ... why do I keep feeling the impulse to say "but ..." though?

Just like when my friend Keith died ... that night I held on to Daniel a little tighter than usual. Last night I held on to Sonora a little tighter, read her extra stories and let her sleep in my bed with me a little longer. I didn't want to go to sleep because it would mean that the first day was over that Becky didn't have her baby. I turned on the news and saw the missing toddler story and remembered many like it in the past. Before, they sickened me. Now, they terrify me. I hate emotions. I want to just live in perfect faith, knowing that NO MATTER WHAT it will be okay. NO MATTER WHAT God will be glorified through whatever circumstance comes my way or anybody else's way. Not only do I want to know it, I want to trust it enough to feel it and to be able to rejoice when the trials and tribulations come ... my trials, Becky's trials and everyone else's. I want to be like those ridiculous musicians on the Titanic who were like, "oh well, the ship is sinking, let's go down doing what we love to do best ..."

Here's the best thought I can muster up today to make myself feel better:

Someday: Heaven.