Cautiously Optimistic ...

At 11:15 AM, while I was at Mommy and Me with Sonora, I got a call from Holy Family Services saying that there is a baby girl about to be born, due June 17th, "would we like our profile to be shown?" I said, "We've wanted our profile shown for the last 5 years, yes, we would love a baby girl. I found out very little information about the circumstances. Birthmother is 39 years old and has other children, but does not have custody of any of them. No information was given about the birthfather, except that she knows who it is and thinks there will be no problem getting him to sign away his parental rights. She is not requiring visitation, just 4 pictures a year, which is ideal for our family situation. She does, however, want an identified adoption, where she is given our last name, which I don't have a problem with. She is open to meetings later, which is perfect for health history concerns!

Just yesterday, Daniel called me and told me he got his own route at the Gas Co, which is a SUBSTANTIAL pay increase in 90 days. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.

Right now, emotions are high. I want to dive in with hope and hope and more hope. I want to be so excited and get the house ready and wash all the little crib sheets and get the bassinet out, all the stuff you do when you know your baby is only a month away. On the other hand ... the logical, realistic, almost pessimistic hand, I know that we may not be chosen, and even if we are chosen, things could change drastically, even after the baby is born. Birthmothers have 3 months to rescind with no questions asked. They have 6 months to rescind with certain exceptions. Birthfathers may reclaim a child up to one year if they claim they were never informed. Lots of "ifs" going around in my head.

It's a girl. We have everything we need ... Tressa said that we could have everything back if we needed. I haven't even taken down the crib yet ... was it meant to be? So many things would indicate "yes" ... especially the fact that we wouldn't have to have visitation and worry about Sonora's well being, or splitting up the kids. They can share a room, so we wouldn't have to move. Wow, I can't believe it could happen.

Yes, we let it go, but we couldn't bring ourselves to make the call to the agency and cancel yet ... maybe this is why!

Can you see why we ask for prayers? Does it make sense to you that we seek God's divine hand in leading us through this emotional roller coaster? We want to rejoice and be so full of faith that this is His plan unfolding so we can say to the world, "LOOK! Look at what God did?" Or, selfishly say, "see? I knew it, I had that kind of faith!" but in reality, I don't have that kind of faith. I have the kind of faith that says, "even if it doesn't happen, my God blesses me with everything I need, and more. I am satisfied with all of His provisions and am content with all that He has already given me."

It's not wrong to hope and let myself dream ... it's okay to wish and wonder what it would be like for Sonora to have a baby sister and for another little one to enter our lives forever. And it has to be okay to be disappointed if it doesn't happen, but not crushed. I know the plans that God has for me, to prosper me and to bless me. I trust Him ... baby or no baby.