Sad, but not heartbroken ... Letting Go.

I didn't think this is how it would "end" or that I would ever be writing this. I still am not sure of what God has in store for us, but, we are taking our first steps away from this adoption journey.

I have been feeling it for a few months now, but recently have been talking with Daniel about it on a regular basis. How can I do this alone? He is working 2 jobs and only awake about 2 hours each night when he is home. We can't build a family with those circumstances, though I know many have done so in the past and will do so in the future. I think that the difference is that we have a choice here, and nobody in their right mind would choose to be a single parent.

My fibromyalgia has been acting up, I am in pain alot of the time. That's not the main reason though. There is no "main reason."

When we began this adoption, during all the prayers, planning and contemplation, we agreed that when I turned 46, we would abandon the hope and move on. We didn't know there would be a Sonora at the time. I don't know if that would have changed our direction. We thought that me being 46 was a little late and a little unfair to a baby to start the family. Well, our family is already "started" so a HUGE part of me says, "keep going, you're already in it for the long haul."

Another reason for our hesitance is the possibility of visitation. We felt that an open adoption was the best choice for us and the way to go for our adopted child. That meant that no matter who the birthparents were, we wanted some kind of contact so our child would never have the looming questions and insecurities I did during all my childhood. We wanted the option for our child to know their birthfamily if they wanted. We wanted to provide visits if our child wanted. We wanted to have full medical information access as well. When you think about this and realize that there are many people out there that you wouldn't want to spend a holiday with, much less an afternoon ... imagine possibly having to do it for the rest of your life. Daniel and I, as a couple, were willing to open our hearts and home to a birthparent, grandparents, siblings. Daniel and I as Sonora's parents are unwilling to do the same. We don't want to split up our children for one to go to visitation, we don't want to chance having to bring Sonora to visit her siblings birthparents if they are "unsafe" people. Lots to think about.

Another aspect is finances. We were in a completely different place one year ago. We were living on a property where Daniel was managing 17 residences and a case manager for those families. We were living there free of rent and with a full paid salary. We were renting our home and getting an extra income. We were hopeful to not ever come back to the condo and someday buy a second home and keep the condo as a rental. A friend of mine, Rick Bernard, often says, "make your plans in pencil and hand God the eraser." Which goes in hand with the old saying, "want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans." We had a good run. We lived the "high life" so-to-speak for awhile. When Daniel got laid off in October, it wasn't just the loss of our main income. We had to move out immediately and pray that we didn't lose our condo as well. We went through our entire savings while Daniel diligently looked for a job. Thankfully, he got 2, but it still doesn't add up to the one he had and we are to put it mildly, "struggling to stay afloat."

I think of how people look at "Octomom" and judge her for continuing to bring children into the world when she has no means. Would we be any different? I mean, not the amount of children, but the part of not being wise and admitting our practical limitations to ourselves? If we got a boy, how could we get another home with another bedroom? I know they could share for a few years, but eventually ... and even if we got a girl? I mean, anyone who's been over lately knows, there's barely enough room for all of Sonora's dolls, let alone a real-live baby with diapers and formula and another closet full of clothes.

This is a choice. A conscious decision. I trust God that in stepping away from the adoption at this time, we are making the right choice. The right decision. For OUR family. He knows what's best for US. Obviously, Sonora was not a choice we were able to make, but she was a dream come true and God certainly knew what He was doing when He blessed us with her. We are not losing our approval for being foster parents. We do not know what the future holds, and the possibility of adopting an older child certainly isn't out of the question.

I am getting ready to give away all of the baby things ... the treasures I was saving for the unknown child, Sonora's younger sibling. I can't explain to someone who has not gone through an adoption what this feels like. I can't, in good conscience, compare it to a miscarriage after having been pregnant, myself, but I can compare it to the adoptive mother's version of a miscarriage. I know what it's like to get the phone call that says there is a baby and the extreme disappointment after finding out it wasn't meant to be. I went through all of that. Just because I ended up getting pregnant and having our amazing Sonora, it doesn't discount the fact that we prayed for THIS baby, this precious baby that we believed would come into our home and change our lives forever. We didn't all of a sudden forget about this baby when we were changing Sonora's diapers and when I was nursing her to sleep. I was planning to nurse this baby as well, and I was always saying, "what's it going to be like when the new baby comes? I can't wait to see Sonora as a big sister." This baby was a daily part of my life and in all of my dreams of our family's future. No, I haven't blogged about this baby for awhile now, but that doesn't mean this baby wasn't in my heart and part of my daily life. I will miss knowing and loving and planning for this baby. I don't want to say goodbye, but I feel I must. Daniel doesn't want to say goodbye either. He is still hoping, but he also realizes that if I "can't" do it, we "shouldn't" do it. We haven't called the agency yet. Part of me thinks that *letting go* is just a way for God to surprise us again ... just like He did with Sonora. I picture me hitting "save now" on this blog, and then getting a call later today that there is a baby girl waiting to be picked up! After the shock and awe of Sonora, nothing would surprise me anymore.

I am not happy. I am sad. I am not dissatisfied though. That's why I titled this "sad, but not heartbroken." I think that even before Sonora, I was not heartbroken. I always wanted to be a mommy. I trusted God even if it wasn't meant to be. Now, I am a mommy. Not the way I planned for sure, but better than I could have asked for, hoped or imagined. Isn't that God's way?